Bad Relationships Sucking Your Time And Energy?

Tips on how to create positive collaborative connections and protect yourself

Connecting with others and building relationships is of the utmost importance. We all need each other and wish to help others. There is no denying that. If you try to live in a bubble, it doesn’t work especially if you are trying to grow — professionally or personally. People need people.

I love to network and connect with others. I love to collaborate and help others. But sometimes I admit it can end up being discouraging, disappointing, or a waste of time.

How is that so?

Everyone always says,

“Be a giver!”

“Pay it forward!”

“Give, give, give!”

My Golden Rule of networking is simple- Don’t keep score- Harvey Mackay

That sounds great and I love it! But let’s also be realistic. If you keep giving and giving to someone and they keep taking with nothing in return, how does that build a relationship? And you are using your time, energy, resources for someone else and maybe you could be spending more time on your business or development.

How do you handle it when the relationship doesn’t end up being as collaborative as you were hoping?

When do you pull the plug and move on from someone?

That’s the stuff none of the personal development leaders like to talk about because it’s icky and sticky. But, they are smart, and I am sure they have boundaries and have learned when to say to no and when to move on.

The tips and tools that are most commonly talked about are super important so don’t neglect them. Send thank-you notes, write reviews, and testimonials (podcasts, books, FB, etc.) and pay to forward with ideas and referrals. It’s good to listen to someone’s podcast before asking to be on it. Saying you already gave them a rating and review is gold!

The currency of real networking is not greed but generosity. — Keith Ferrazzi

I greatly learned from a of couple instances this past year. I do not regret the steps I took in the experience, for it served me to be smarter and value my time and experience.

I have learned to aim to manage my expectations on the front end with the following tips and ideas.

1. Take the time to research someone before jumping in and helping.

Taking time to do some background research is something I have had to work on. If you are thinking of collaborating with another businessperson, get to know then and also check out their social media. Do they post a lot? What are the qualities of their posts? Do they look to be sharing, tagging, commenting, or creating posts that help others? Or are they only about themselves and their business?

Often someone will promote another person as an “expert” and that you should connect with them. You want to take their word for it, but after you do a deep dive into them you realize they are not all the other person built them up to be. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t connect with them. It’s good to take a little bit of time studying so you can be prepared for when you do finally connect.

2. Manage your expectations, notice behaviors from the beginning.

This story recently happened to me. I host two weekly podcasts and I had reached out to someone to connect and say hello. Immediately without me even asking she emailed me back, “Yes I would love to be on your podcast.” I hadn’t asked her to be on my podcast yet and I doubt she even listened to it. She is an established author and has been in the coaching space for many years, so I rolled with it. In the time between that initial contact and the podcast, I communicated solely through her admin. Her admin was lovely; however, I never built a relationship with the guest. The ironic thing is that she coaches on topics in the relationship space but was too busy to spend time building one with me. Luckily, I noticed this right away, so I managed my expectations and moved forward with grace.

On the flip side, if this was going to bother you, either have a discussion upfront and agree to some terms or turn it down and not move forward trying to connect. Have to confidence to say no and ask for the relationships you desire to come your way.

3. Notice your energy and protect your energy.

Recognizing your energy and having positive energy is one of the most important skills you can acquire. Are you connecting with someone out of a genuine desire to be kind and helpful? What is your energy around the connection? And then how is your energy as you move forward in the relationship?

I dealt with a situation where I found my energy changed. The person I was helping was not collaborating and was also not grateful. Unfortunately, it ended up sucking my energy into a negative zone. I was spending too much time helping this person and needed to do a hard analysis. I realized that they were not reciprocating or going reciprocate and since I had plenty of things to work on my business, I decided to move away from helping them any further. I was glad I did. The moment I made that decision, the thought dwelling stopped, and I saw positive changes in myself and things I could spend time focusing on.

Just like relationships take time, take the time to do some pre-work. This thought process is also relatable for people to protect themselves against scams or being taken advantage of in general. We have all heard those horror stories of someone stealing wealth, identity, or personal property.

Relationships can evolve and change in time, as well. They can start slow or disappointing and then years later surprise you. Or they can start great, and then you move on and never speak to them again.

Learning early on that everyone has a place and time in your life, will help manage expectations and the relationships you build will be a great partnership.

Your network is the people who want to help you, and you want to help them, and that is really powerful. -Reid Hoffman