UN-HEARD OF DEPP

Bad Boy Johnny Depp Absconded With My Cheeseburger Down His Pants

All in the name of method acting

I was waiting in line at a McDonald’s in Iowa — the land of cow shit and corn. The only thing people flock to more is one of the many convenience stores on many thoroughfares. Someone held up the line trying to get a selfie with Tobey Maguire.

I squinted. The abundance of bracelets and lack of a bad attitude gave him away. I could tell it was Johnny Depp.

Hipster Caleb saw too, but he would never acknowledge such a mainstream rebel. He was suffering from the early signs of starvation, waiting for his nuggets for more than 5 minutes. It was hard to tell why he left. Was it because he was too on-trend to get caught in a cancerous tumor on the massive ass of corporate America? Or, that he realized he had his floppy stocking cap on inside out? He gave up Johnny’s cover when he stormed out yelling, “Hansen was in love with Booker!” His obsession with late-eighties teen-drama heartthrobs outshined the state of his chicken nuggets.

After Johnny completed the greeting, I was finally able to order. It was difficult to hear him. Random people called him Captain Jack Sparrow while he mumbled. They threw ketchup packets and french fries at his face. A noisy mess.

Johnny hunt-and-pecked his nail-polished fingers through my order. I added things to my triple quarter pounder that I wouldn’t get, just to see how ‘method’ he was. His eyeliner began to run and he gave me a pleading look. He looked like he wanted to take a bolt to the head. Johnny may have wished for a similar fate to the cows he saw close by. They lolled on a semi-trailer next to dumpsters shared with the Kwik-e-Mart next door.

He delayed plenty of fine people from rolling to their SUVs and pickups. Their mobility scooter joyrides through Walmart would have to wait.

Johnny snuck out the side door and whisked away in an unmanned Tesla.

The manager hurled a bag at me, spilling my nuggets and stray french fries.

They fucked up my order. Well, they did give me onions and cheese congealed at the bottom of the bag, so it wasn't a total loss.

They also reminded me the ice cream machine was down.

I blame Johnny.