Toxic bosses are everywhere. You might be one of them.

Plus some stuff you can do about your toxic bossiness. You know, if you want to.

Toxic Boss Syndrome

It’s a disease, and it’s infecting workplaces everywhere. It’s spreading well beyond the environments we’ve grown accustomed to. Once confined to school buses and middle school cafeterias, bullying has made it’s way into the workplace. Albeit with a sinister twist. The bullying is no longer physical, in most cases. That’s too obvious, too out in the open, and definitely grounds for separation (even with a really, really good lawyer — you know, the ones that defend elected officials).

No, the disease has mutated as it’s penetrated cubicle farms around the globe. It’s symptoms are now even more debilitating than a blackened eye or a charlie-horsed leg. No longer physical, the scars are psychological and emotional. Easily explained away as evidence that the bullied are too soft, too sensitive, probably don’t belong in the workforce to begin with.

The infected are everywhere. Look around. It’s obvious that they haven’t been vaccinated. Sabotaging their teams, making sure they get in the last put-down, touting their greatness. In the worst infections, we even glorify them — we put their “tough love” approach on a pedestal in The Devil Wears Prada, or we elect them President.

Have you been infected? Are you a carrier? Highly possible. Here’s a quick way to self-diagnose.

You might have Toxic Boss Syndrome if…

…you’re frequently surprised by news involving your team.

You hear things about your team from other people, and these things surprise you. Narendra delivered the project early. Rachel has fallen a bit behind on the program schedule. Todd is recovering from surgery after falling into a well trying to save a litter of puppies. This one is really surprising — you had no idea Todd spelled his name with two “d’s.”

There’s a good reason you don’t know these things. Your people fear you, don’t trust you, and don’t tell you anything because your typical response is to treat them like they matter less than the dirt underneath your thumbnail. In fact, they’ve tried to tell you these kinds of things before, and you’ve literally been more interested in the dirt underneath your thumbnail.

How to seek treatment: *Find a different job. One far, far away from people. Probably even far, far away from dogs. Unless they’re wild dogs. In that case, strap on some raw meat and get to work! You’re well-suited for that development opportunity. Let’s circle back on that next quarter and see how it’s going. I’ll bring a fresh supply of meat.

…your people never meet your expectations.

99% of the time, your people fall short of your expectations. The expectations you have in your head, anyway. You rarely actually take the time to verbalize them or write them down. It’s better that way. The true top performers should intuit what you want and deliver to that, right? Isn’t what you want obvious? It certainly is to you. They must not be as smart as you.

Sometimes, though, you really do need to be clear. Like when your boss’s boss’s boss is asking you for something. Or when there’s an opportunity for you for positive exposure and visibility to senior leadership. Or when you need to sabotage someone’s work so that you can play the hero by saving the day. But even on the rare occasion that you take that extra step and spoon-feed your people by telling them exactly what to do, they still fall short. Time and time again. So why bother? Forget exceeding expectations. You’d do a happy dance if one of your people just MET your expectations. If your cold, dark heart can ever remember the joy and freedom of dancing, that is.

How to seek treatment: *Tell your boss that you need better people. When she pushes back and reminds you that recent rising stars placed on your team have all asked for transfers within six months, argue. Suggest that they really shouldn’t be considered rising stars, and that the other managers who’ve labeled them as such couldn’t manage their way out of a paper bag. Reinforce this point at every opportunity. If your boss isn’t open to this suggestion, go above her head, and keep going until someone listens. Perhaps even recommend that you take responsibility for the recruiting department, so that you can finally get some decent talent on board. Your company’s Chief Human Resources Officer would be a good audience for this recommendation.

…you believe trust should be earned.

That phrase trust but verify? Um, no thank you. Trust needs to be earned through blood, sweat, and tears. We don’t just give it away, especially to a new employee. Your direct reports need to be micromanaged down to the level that you know where they’re at and what they’re doing at all times. Because how else do you know they aren’t chit-chatting in the cafeteria for hours on end, wasting the company’s valuable resources?

Nope, trust is earned. And only then can you give your people a little bit of freedom to do their job in the way that they see fit. The evidence you’ve collected only proves your point. In several years of managing, nobody who’s worked for you has ever been able to prove worthy of your trust. When somebody finally does, you’ll trust the hell out of them. Until then? Nope.

How to seek treatment: *Not much you can do here, unfortunately. Your need for absolute control over your people is well-founded. They’re untrustworthy and incapable, lucky to have been hired in the first place. It really is that simple. A radical solution would be to fire them all and fly solo. You’re practically doing their work for them anyway. Heck, it might even be easier to just do it all yourself. It’s risky, though. Getting rid of your team means you have no direct reports, which means you’re no longer a manager, which means you’re… gasp!… an individual contributor. The shame! On the other hand, if senior management sees you doing the work of six, that’s a sure path to a promotion and getting a team back. It’s a tough decision. Godspeed.

…you give praise for behaving like you.

This is a tricky one, but stick with me. Pay attention to the kinds of things you reward with praise and positive attention. Great bosses give positive feedback for positive results and the behaviors that lead to those results. Toxic bosses give positive feedback for behaviors that spread the boss’s toxicity.

Here’s an example. Susan works for Tom. One of Susan’s projects has fallen behind, so Tom decides to get more involved. He goes with her to a project team meeting. Susan asks Jim, one of the team members, why he didn’t update the communications plan last week. Jim reminds her about the meteor that crashed into his apartment building last week, sending all of the residents scrambling to find short-term accommodations. It had been all over the news. Besides, he reminds her, he had two other higher priority deliverables last week that he still managed to complete. Susan stares icily him. “Two out of three isn’t good enough, Jim. Doesn’t the high school gym where you’ve been sleeping have wi-fi?” After the meeting, Tom praises Susan’s toughness. “You showed real leadership, Susan. We can’t be bending over backwards every time one of our people is suddenly homeless.” Susan tries to keep up with Tom as they leave the conference room, but it’s tough with the crutches she’s using. She had knee replacement surgery after work yesterday.

You may find yourself caught in a dilemma here. Giving positive feedback goes against every natural instinct toxic bosses have to berate and belittle. BUT, they also want to see their toxicity spread. Anything that leads to a more dysfunctional work environment plagued by backstabbing, sabotage, and workplace bullying is worth doing. The ends definitely justify the means.

How to seek treatment: *Talk loudly and frequently about the personal sacrifices you’ve made along the way to your position. Maybe then people will finally get what it takes to be successful around here. The late nights you’ve worked to make up for your people’s inadequacies. The weekends you’ve spent at the office. How you strategically selected the family counseling services in the building across the street from your office so that you wouldn’t need to take so much time away from work traveling to the appointments.

…there’s nobody on your team who could do your job.

It’s obvious, isn’t it? Just as soon as the company hires someone even partially capable of filling your shoes, you’ll be on your way to the corner office. Frankly, that’s the only thing holding you back. It’s the trouble with greatness. Like the post-Michael Jordan Chicago Bulls, if you were to move on your team would sink into a multi-year malaise. Rome without Caesar. Enron without Skilling. Jonestown without Jim.

You’ve actually considered proposing that you take your current responsibilities with you to your next promotion. Otherwise, you may never get there.

Take Donnie, for example. Loser can’t even walk by you in the hallway without flinching. Of course, there was the dugout incident at the company’s charity softball game last summer. Face it, you’re not even sure yourself if the bat did actually slip out of your hands. If Donnie could actually hit the ball out of the infield, maybe you wouldn’t have had to make sure he spent his next at-bat getting his chin stitched back together at the St. Francis emergency ward.

How to seek treatment: *Eventually, you’re going to have to face the facts. Your team and current responsibilities are holding you back, and the only way to get that promotion you should’ve had 7 years ago is to leave. Resign. Maybe then this place will finally realize how they’ve taken you for granted. They’ll come running back to you, tail between their legs, admitting what a colossal mistake it was to let you escape. Promotion to Director? Nope, Executive Director. Company car? Name the model. Make sure to mention all of this to Human Resources during your exit interview, just to plant the seed. They’re just as incompetent as the team you’re leaving, after all, so you’ll have to tell them how to do their job on your way out.

I’ve worked both with and for toxic bosses, so I know that it isn’t a laughing matter. It’s impacted my physical and emotional health, and the relationships I have with important people in my life. Writing this was cathartic — laughing helps. But I’ve only been able to laugh about it after years (literally) of recovery. If you’re suffering under a toxic manager or in a toxic work environment, I hope you were able to laugh a bit as well.

For a less lighthearted look at the issue, check this out: