BACON

From the files of the Bacon Committee

2 February 2035, Case # 611616111101101

To the Federal Bacon Committee, June 28th 2030

re: Bacon Privilege consideration for Jason J Jimerbody, Esquire, the 3rd.

Dear Sirs (and Madam),

I am writing in the hope my application for this year’s Bacon Privilege will be accepted, and that I shall finally be among those lucky few who are afforded the honor and responsibility of twelve strips of Bacon.

Sirs (and Madam), I was a great proponent of the Livestock Emancipation Act of 2025. I, like all decent citizens of this country, believe completely in the Act. I rejoiced when all meat manufacturing was outlawed, and all animals kept in captivity for the purpose of slaughter and consumption were freed and subsequently placed in animal trauma counseling. I voted for the tax increase to subsidize the healing process of our porcine, bovine and poultry cousins.

But like other concerned citizens, I too began to feel the terrible tug of bacon withdrawal. I watched in horror as the condition began to take hold of more and more of my fellow Americans, and though I did not condone the violence that began to sweep the nation, I understood the desperation that heralded it. As gangs of riotous bacon-deprived citizens began roaming the streets, as the first of the notorious black market rashers of illegal bacon began to circulate, as every porcine cousin, so newly freed from captivity, was in danger of being pig-napped and served for breakfast, I was among those who called for reason.

I applauded the emergency sessions called unanimously by both parties, in both houses of our great government, who finally put aside their differences, reached across the aisle, and in what constituted the first bipartisan act in modern memory wrote the now famous and much-beloved “Bacon Amendment.” This great law, which saved our country from falling into madness and war, was the beginning of a new age of trust and forgiveness between our two governing parties, who had so long been locked in gridlock and mutual distrust. The fairness of the Act, along with its seamless enactment and rollout was, and still is, considered one of the finest examples of Democracy at work.

Each year, according to the Bacon Amendment, a limited number of our brave porcine friends are chosen to sacrifice themselves for the peace of the nation and become Bacon. As you know, any citizen may apply to receive this annual Bacon Stipend, granting them twelve strips of this delicious and soul-succoring substance. Of those who apply, only one hundred are chosen.

I have never questioned the fairness of your selection process, dear Sirs (and Madam), of the Bacon Committee, but sadly each year I have submitted my application, and each year I have been passed over for Bacon Privilege and left in Bacon Limbo.

I have resorted to surviving on tofucon, quinoacon, and occasionally have choked down notbaconbutoddlynotunlikebaconcon. Each year my bitterness has grown.

I am the president of my local chapter of Massage A Pig and Sing To A Pig. I have volunteered to help counsel those afflicted with Bacon-mania and Bacon withdrawal.

In short, I am a model of Bacon civil service. I have proven in every way that I am cognizant of the great responsibility that comes with Bacon Privilege.

I must have Bacon, I beg you.

Even as I write this my hand begins to shake and the light grows dim. I can no longer see my path in life, nor do I find joy in those activities that used to amuse me. As my desire and despair has grown, my ability to function at work and home has begun to fail. I can no longer satisfy my wife sexually. Subsequently, my wife has left me, taking my three children with her. I do not care.

I only know that I am hungry and I need to be fed. Do not cast me aside again this year; choose me, I beg you. Give me Bacon, or give me death.

Yours,

Jason J Jimerbody, Esquire, the 3rd.

POSTSCRIPT TO CASE FILE

Having reviewed this case in depth, I, Bacon Agent code name Greaser, have concluded the following:

It was a bureaucratic oversight which led to Mr. Jimerbody’s Bacon Privilege acceptance notification being sent to the wrong address five years in a row. Evidently, a Mr. Jason J Jimerbutt was awarded Mr. Jimerbody’s rasher of bacon over those five years. For failing to report this oversight, Mr. Jimerbutt has been taken into custody. But the mistake was not discovered in time to save the unfortunate Mr. Jimerbody, who at the time of this writing is missing and believed either dead by his own hand, or to have joined the Bacon Resistance Militia, who are currently under siege in their compound by the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Bacon.

Although it is my duty to be impartial and present facts to the esteemed members of the Bacon Committee, I feel I must add a personal note of regret. We failed Mr. Jimerbody, who, like many others, fell through the cracks of the Bacon Act. I humbly assert that, in view of recent upsurges in Pig Piracy and Pignapping, as well as Bacon Rights groups, it may be time to revisit those aspects of the law that leave individuals such as Mr. Jimerbody in bureaucratic bacon-limbo.

END POSTSCRIPT