Backwards Billy
And the noggin doctor
Stephanie, Dr. Goflenhauser’s secretary opened the door and peered in, “Mrs. Topplewink is here.”
“Ah yes. Send her right in.”
A diminutive woman with pink hair entered the office.
Dr. Golfenhauser stood, “Greetings, Mrs. Topplewink. Please come in and have a seat.”
After shaking hands Mrs. Topplewink sat in the comfy chair in front of the desk and the doctor sat back down in his desk chair then glanced at the file on his desk.
“I’m glad you’re here. I always first consult with the parents before I start any sessions with the child.”
“Well, I’m sorry the boy’s father wouldn’t come. He’s got this crazy fear of doctors. I guess you could say he’s got doctorphobia.”
“Yes, well that’s okay. It’s a common fear and it’s called, latrophobia.”
“Oh.”
“So what is the problem with…” He looked at the file, “your son Billy?”
“Best as I can describe it, I have to say that my boy is backwards.”
“Backwards? How so?”
“Well, you know how it’s normal to be awake for sixteen hours a day and sleep for eight? And how the sixteen hours of being awake is your actual life and when you’re sleeping the dreams aren’t real? Well Billy has it all backwards. He thinks the time he’s asleep is the real part and the time he’s awake is just a dream.”
“That’s interesting. How old is Billy and how long has he been displaying these symptoms?”
“Let’s see… He’s eight goin’ on nine and I guess he’s been backward all his life so far. Back when he was a baby all he ever wanted to do was sleep. But that’s kinda normal for a baby, right? He was real easy to put down for a nap. He was asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. And we didn’t have to be quiet when he napped. There coulda been a rock and roll band playing in the room and he’d sleep right through it.”
“It was wakin’ him up that was hard. He never wanted to wake up. He would nap for four or five hours and I had to forcefully wake him up otherwise he’d just keep sleepin’ forever. I mean there were times when I thought he was dead or something. Unlike other kids, though, that just continued as he grew. Other kids would get up soon wantin’ to play or eat but my Billy just wanted to keep sleeping.”
“Does he have any siblings?”
“Huh?”
“Does he have any brothers or sisters?”
“Oh. He’s got an older brother and sister who are twins. They’re twelve goin’ on thirteen. The sister is smart as a whip and the brother is dumb as rocks just like his daddy. Billy pretty much just keeps to himself. He’s like that at school, too. His teachers tell me the biggest problem with Billy is keeping him from dozing off. Seriously, for a while there I thought he might be a little retarded — like his daddy — but I had him tested and all the docs say he’s normal as far as his learnin’ goes. And I’ve been to a lot of docs about Billy. And none of ’em can figure out his problem. That’s why I’m so glad you’ll see him Dr. Gobblehausen. Everyone tells me you’re the best noggin doctor in the tri-state area.”
“Yes, well, uh, thank you. You can just call me Ralph.”
“Oh thank God. I was practicing your name but I don’t know how many times I can say it.”
“Have you spoken with Billy about this?”
“Oh, you betchya. I tell him he’s backwards and that he’s got it wrong; that when he’s awake is his real life but he just says stupid things like, ‘But Mom I only need eight hours of awake a day. If I’m awake longer than that I’ll miss out on life. I try to explain to him how that’s backasswards but he just doesn’t get it. When I’m talkin’ to him he thinks it’s just a dream.”
“So tell me doc. Is there anything at all that can be done about him? Maybe some electrocution therapy or even noggin surgery?”
“Oh I don’t do electro-shock therapy and I’m not a surgeon. I think this can be dealt with through traditional analysis. First, we’ll need to uncover all his fears.”
“You mean like if he has any phobias that are making him weird?”
“Yes, well, you see everyone has phobias. It’s not weird at all. I had a phobia when I was a kid. It’s called arachibutyrophobia.”
“What the hell is that?”
“It’s a fear of getting peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth.”
“Oh my God! My cousin Shiranda has that! What did you do?”
“I quit eating peanut butter.”
“I’ll have to email Shiranda that cure.”
“Yes, well anyway, through therapy I’ll be probing deep into his psyche to find what is causing this strange perception of his. It will probably take many sessions.”
“Well, if you think noggin surgery would work quicker you got my blessin.’”
Just then, Stephanie opened the office door and peered in, “Tabitha is here.”
Dr. Goflenhauser’s head fell to the side as he abruptly woke up, “Uh, yes. Could you stall her a moment and get me a cup of coffee first?”
“Sure.”
Dr. Goflenhauser took off his glasses and rubbed his face. He quickly noticed that there was no Mrs. Topplewink sitting in the comfy chair. Looking at the clock he realized that he had only dozed off for about five minutes. And Tabitha! Oh yeah, the little girl with alektorophobia (a fear of chickens).
Dr. Goflenhauser stood and stretched. He should have gone to bed earlier the night before. He sat back down as Stephanie entered the room with a cup of coffee in hand and a little girl following her.
“Hello Tabitha. Please have a seat.”
Copyright by White Feather. All Rights Reserved. This is a work of fiction.
Speaking of phobias…
