Anti-list
Backward Bucket List
Things I don’t ever, ever want to do before I die
I’ve noticed several bucket list articles popping up on my Pinterest lately.
What, people don’t use Pinterest anymore?
Anyway, I usually read through them quickly and I become utterly baffled. Who decided it would be fun to put together a list of shit that sucks or might kill you, and force yourself to do these things before you die?
Instead, I’ve come up with an anti-list.
*If you’ve participated in any of the adventures listed below, please comment and answer the following questions:
Why the hell?
Did you truly enjoy it?
Would you do it again?
- Sky diving. Don’t start with me about “It’s the rush”. I get a mad rush from ordering a hot fudge sundae and then saying, “Add peanut butter” in a high-pitched breathy voice. That’ll do it for me.
- M/M/F Threesome. Look — let’s be honest. An actual purple, pulsing, veiny dick isn’t that pleasing to look at in the first place. Would you really suggest I look at 2 at the same time? One shaft in my mouth and another in my (insert a hole)? No. That’s too much crank.
I have 2 quotes to support this.
“I’ve always said, I like my coffee like I like my men. I don’t like coffee.” — Ellen DeGeneres
“A penis, when seen in the right context, is the most wonderful sight for a woman. But in the wrong context, it is like a monster movie.” — Michael Scott
3. One of those murder mystery dinner parties you can find on Groupon for an absolute steal. NO! GOD. As much as I like parties, tell me how the hell my mute-in-public ass is going to enjoy this. I would likely choke on my dinner thinking about what words I would have to say, and then it would become a real crime scene.
Or worse yet when it was my turn to speak my part, I would swiftly slither from my seat to a safe place under the table, leaving everyone uncomfortable and unsure of how to proceed.
4. Stay in an ice hotel. First of all, what the fuck is an ice hotel? This sounds awful.
5. Go Snorkeling. Let me tell you something. I’m 40 and I still have to plug my nose on the rare occasion my head goes under the water. In ninth grade, I was in a beginner’s swimming class with only 3 other people, and I got a D-.
I’m positive she barely passed me just to get me out of there.
Covering my face with a giant sleep apnea contraption, and sinking into the water? I’ll be damned if I’m going to trust that. I’m happy whale watching from a tall, sturdy boat.
6. Learn to play Chess. WHY?
7. Learn how to surf. See number 5.
8. Become a black belt in karate. I can whip your ass right here, right now. No black belt needed. Anyway, that sounds boring and more like going back to school. Imagine all the hours I would waste getting fit when I could be watching Netflix or Daddy porn and eating chips.
9. Take a friend-cation. I like a total of 4 people in real life, besides my kids and my husband. And I usually don’t really like them. A vacation with a bunch of girls sounds like a disastrous nightmare.
What would I do? Read a book when they go out to party? Drink alone on the patio while playing a game on my phone? Tell dad jokes? I’m getting anxious just thinking about it. Absurd idea.
10. Go Glamping. Who in the hell came up with this? For fucks sake people. Don’t get me wrong. If I were to camp, this would be the way. But it seems a bit snooty, does it not?
Yes, honey, I’ll go camping but it’s going to cost at least a grand to get all the fairy lights and other neat-o things we’ll need to make our tent beautiful for my Instagram page.
Suck it, Rita.
What would be on your anti-bucket list?
Thanks for reading ❤ — GC
