11 Red Flags on My First Date

Another Date With Another Mediocre Guy.

Why am I going out with Steven? He’s average looking. He has facial hair in all his pictures, which makes me think this isn’t a Temporary Pandemic Beard. I fucking hate facial hair. But he’s a chiropractor and after dating broke Thomas for months, my bank account needs someone who can pay for more dates so that I can afford the makeup needed for the aforementioned dates.

My first red flag occurs before we even meet.

Red flag #1: Steven lives by the beach. Guys who live by the beach are the absolute worst. The beach is a cult and nothing exists outside of that beach bubble. Beach dudes don’t have to worry about their flat-ironed hair going frizzy or how fucking cold it gets even in the middle of summer.

Steven suggests a restaurant in his town. You know…the beach town. I cringe internally because parking will be a nightmare. Yelp reviews confirm my fears.

I’m stuck parking far enough away from the restaurant that walking in spiked heels isn’t comfortable. Steven walks to the restaurant from his place.

Red flag #2: the guy picked a spot that gave him the convenience of walking. While I offered to drive closer to him because Del Taco near me doesn’t make for a great date spot, it’s a whole other level of lazy to suggest a place with shitty parking just so that you can walk there.

I walk up and am impressed that he’s at least wearing a nice t-shirt and jeans. He’s also ginormous. A former football player, he’s a giant next to me.

Red flag #3: Steven didn’t make a reservation. The place is packed because there was an outdoor concert earlier that day. The wait even at the bar is over an hour. We trudge to a spot across the street. I’m annoyed because my feet already hauled these heels from my parking spot down yonder and now I’m going even further. It’s awkward to run between restaurants with someone you just met who didn’t make the effort to reserve a table.

We get a spot at the new place. Steven is a regular here and all night gets hugs and conversation from staff. Don’t go on a first date somewhere where you know everyone. It’s obnoxious when they stop to have random small talk conversations while you sit there like a dolled-up idiot.

Within minutes, Steven asks if I’m from New York. Bro, I’m Canadian. I can’t even fake a New York accent. I occasionally get “are you from The Valley” questions but never New York. I think my boldness and confidence take him off guard.

It’s easy to be bold and confident on a date when you don’t give a fuck.

Conversation is easy but moderately one-sided. I don’t care because I’m focused on the enormous butter cake I’m ordering. Steven tells me about a tequila company he invested in that just struck a deal with Costco. This leads to a massive conversation with the bartender over tequila.

Red flag #4: he’s too preoccupied with the wait staff hearing us. When talking about guilty pleasure TV shows, he mentions The Real Housewives. I tell him that I saw Eddie (Real Housewives of OC for those of you with better taste in TV) a few days prior. I joke that when living in Orange County, seeing Real Housewives cast members is like a real-life Where’s Waldo.

I begin to say how I recognized Alexis from the giant fake ring she wore years ago. Steven shushes me and tells me the waitress nearby is best friends with her. I tell him, “you know Alexis is a common name, right?”

Again, Steven shushes me and glances over at the waitress. I take it that he doesn’t want to be caught bad-mouthing her friend. “If you Google ‘Alexis’ and ‘TV’, you’ll get Schitt’s Creek and not The Real Housewives,” I tell him. He doesn’t care.

This is a red flag on so many levels. Firstly, if you’re a person who goes on a reality show specifically for drama then you’re agreeing to be publicly dissected. Secondly, I don’t know the chick, so I can say whatever the fuck I want. Thirdly, I wasn’t saying anything bad (the massive, fake ring was part of a storyline). Fourthly, her season ended in 2013, it’s not exactly prime viewing on anyone’s mind. Fifthly…why am I expected to care about a D-list celebrity friend of a waitress in a restaurant?

The rest of the date goes fine, mostly because I’m buzzed from wine and on a sugar high from dessert. Steven suggests getting another drink at his place. This is when I discover how close he lives to the restaurant and my irritation over my parking situation climbs again.

We hang out on his grassy patio area overlooking the ocean. That sentence makes it sound fancy. Imagine an old condo facing a pool and beyond that is a fence that faces the ocean but it’s too dark to see it. We start making out and he tells me that I didn’t give him any “vibes” that I was interested in the restaurant. He keeps repeating how tiny I am. Then, Steven tries to slide his dick into me under my dress.

I push my hips away and tell him we need to have the mature have-you-been-tested talk. He says he’ll wear a condom. I wasn’t planning on having sex but if the dude will wear a condom then I’m all for it. It’s been a while since I’ve had sex.

Here’s the thing with older guys and condoms: they can bang in them but they can’t cum in them. Steven eventually takes it off and I get on my knees to finish him in my mouth. Somewhere in sexy talk and his dick in my mouth, he indicates that he’ll finish on my chest. Fine by me, I’d rather that than swallow.

Red flag #5: Steven shoots his cum on my face.

The last time someone came on my face was in college. My boyfriend asked and then got upset because I squinted. In my defense, man goo in my contact lenses isn’t my idea of a good time. But at least he asked.

It’s only the lower half of my face but I’m irked.

We hang out on his bed engaging in post-coital chat. Steven asks his Google assistant if he has any patients in the morning and it responds in a male voice.

Potential Red Flag #6: he changed the Google assistant voice to a random dude’s voice. I don’t know why this alarms me; I have no logic behind it. It’s not even a sexy or funny man’s voice. Bro, why you be changing your Google assistant’s default voice?

Steven keeps rubbing his hands over my body, commenting on how tiny I am and how flat my stomach is. That mentally adds to my embedded eating disorder issues, further solidifying my paranoia with weight gain. He asks if my breasts are real. Props to my plastic surgeon. Guys can never tell because they’re small and proportionate to my frame. Homeboy gets hard and it’s time for another round of sex.

His wall is mirrored and I have a fetish for banging in front of mirrors. We’re at it doggy-style but I’m already over it and start cooing how I badly want him to cum.

Red Flag #7: Right before cumming, Steven takes the condom off and gets a few bangs in bareback before finally squirting his white goo on my back. I don’t quite register what he did but admittedly, I don’t immediately stop him when I clue into what happened. I wanted it to be done. It was about a minute of non-condom boning.

Yeah, I’m still processing that one. Taking a condom off without consent is at best an asshole move and at worst, rape.

Red Flag #8: he didn’t clean me off. The bar is low on this one. The first time I had sex with Jon, he grabbed a towel and cleaned his cum off of me which seemed like a sweet gesture. Since then, it’s a standard expectation.

Finally, I tell him I need to go but I’m not sure how to get to my car. Steven tells me it’s around the corner. He walks me outside and points in the direction of my car. If it were daylight, I’d have seen it but in the dark, it’s a spooky situation.

Red Flag #9: he almost doesn’t walk me to my car at night. I ask how I’m supposed to get out because of the closed gate along the condo property. Steven walks, barefoot, to the fence leading out of the condo.

I briefly pause, expecting to say our goodbyes because it seemed like he only wanted to show me to the gate. A random guy is near the gate, so Steven comments that because of that man he’ll walk me to my car. I get annoyed when a guy doesn’t walk me to my car when I’m parked in his driveway (I have to give props to Sean for setting that bar). How can a guy who is 6'3 and built like a linebacker not see that a 5'2 female with unwieldy spikey heels shouldn’t walk alone to her car in the dark at night?

Red Flag #10: Steven tested positive for Covid the next day and didn’t consider it to be actual Covid because the blue line was pale. The. Blue. Line. Was. Pale.

Let me repeat: there was a blue line.

I explained to a guy with “doctor” before his name that it’s like a pregnancy test. Any line counts as positive and yes, he needs to quarantine.

For days after the date, Steven tells me how much fun he had and how he wants to see me again. His Covid is a great excuse for me to not see him anytime soon while I formulate my thanks-but-no-thanks message.

I’ve taken three Covid tests with negative results. Part of me wonders if he got vaccinated because beach folks here tend to be pro-Trump people but as a chiropractor, I assume it was mandatory.

Red Flag #11: he had a beard. I fucking hate facial hair on men.