I’m Not Photographing That
The Constant Negotiation Between Living and Curating
Crossing through the clouds was some kind of bird, blazing a trail through the waning storm, seemingly straight into the sun. What a sight, what a moment, what a shot. One that I would not get, one that I refused to get. My camera is left dangling there, no longer an extension of my me, just a hardware sidekick.
Normally, it’d be fixed in front of my eye, me trying to cradle the world into one shot. Desperate for a decent composition I’d contort and bend myself in ways that would seriously concern Olympic gymnasts. Anything to get what I wanted out of this landscape, in the pursuit of the fleeting, and wanting to make time standstill. However noble I make this sound — I basically just want a damn good photo.
Lately, I’m doing this less and less, or rather, with more consideration. Not for the lighting, or angle, but for what I’m sacrificing by practicing such fervent documentation. Every piece about the internet will pontificate about the harm of always being on social media and attached to our phones, but this isn’t that piece. I am merely taking stock of myself and my engagement with what’s beyond the lens.
Being the photographer of your group means you’re expected to always be at the ready to snap the best, most snackable content for everyone to then post. There may be the mom, the partier, and the asocial ones of all bands of friends, but now there is also a social media manager. Somehow, probably due to my own incessant need to carry an actual camera around, I became that one. Dutifully, I filled this role for them and myself, until now.
I love what photography has given me. A keen and inquisitive eye for the spaces I occupy, and how everything can look like a still from a movie once your senses are tuned to that enough. I love being able to walk into a room and spot the scene for a good photograph, that makes walking around this life much more exciting and interesting. Although, it also creates a distance.
If I’m always in search of a photograph at any given moment, then when am I taking the time to actually just be? Existence in the present is a lifelong struggle for most of us, and it’s made even harder by attaching a camera to your hip for any occasion. Walks in the park are not made any greener, hangouts with friends are not made more fun, and parties are not made more celebratory because of me taking photos. So, what am I doing?
All these questions and more I ask myself every time I go to pick my camera up. Does this really need to be memorialized? Is this going to take away from my enjoyment of this? A digitized scrapbook is not a replacement for lived experience, no matter how much we try to convince ourselves of this. I love being a photographer and sharing my work, but not at the expense of interacting more physically, socially, and consciously. I feel as if I’ve turned into a tourist of Earth rather than a participant.
Make no mistake, I will still be snapshotting my way through the world, but gone is the obligation. Beauty, in all its forms, can be restored to just that. Not everything has to be a photo op or a publicity stunt. I believe in my photography, I feel a sense of confidence about it that I lack in most other areas of my life, and it is that faith that reassures this new philosophy. My work will not suffer by reabsorbing myself into the grand mess of life.
Instead, I would like to think it will do the opposite. If I want to be a better creative then there is nothing better than getting into the dirt with everyone else. I can’t do that behind a piece of plastic and gears. There is something lost when just being a voyeur. The thought of looking back at my catalog of work and seeing everyone else living life while I hid behind this camera has created a catalyst in me that I want to ride into a more involved partaking of the human experience. That can only be good for art, even necessary.
The bird has flown off, and the sun has hidden away for another day, but I still stand here. Under the umbrella of stars, I place my camera onto the ground and walk out into the still night, unbeknownst to the internet, to you, to anyone really and I have to say I don’t feel as if I’m missing anything at all. I am not taking a photograph — this moment will be all mine.
In a completely hypocritical turn, if you would like to see some of my photographic work just look below:
