Happy Birthday, Elizabeth

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//cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*eMv8AjFfnhSdKseixSI6tw.jpeg"><figcaption>1944: Image copyright: PAImage caption: Princess Elizabeth visited the National Sea Scouts Exhibition at the London Scottish Headquarters in Buckingham Gate.</figcaption></figure>I picked this one because it is the sexiest photo of Elizabeth I could find. Sure, she was 18, but if this photo doesn’t get the Anglophile-o-meter to read “hubba hubba,” then maybe you should eat more roast beef. I apologize in advance for all the rape-culture, cis-gendered heteronormativity, but the Queen holds on to the parts of feudalism and colonialism that she likes, so why can’t I?<figure id="ffff"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*owwOt7lxoQwW4eHcfX8Gyg.jpeg"><figcaption>1962: The leopard-skin coat worn at a Sandown Park race meeting has since been consigned to the wardrobe after conservationists urged her not to wear it — but she has been spotted in other fur coats and hats over the years.</figcaption></figure>Leopard skin! She is wearing a leopard-skin coat. It’s so fucking fascinatingly horrible. I mean, it’s a beautiful coat… because it was once a beautiful animal, amirite? Fake leopard skin doesn’t really compare, does it? I want Bob Dylan to remake “Leopard-skin pillbox hat” into “Leopard-skin Royal Coat” and sing it to her at the Royal Albert Hall on her birthday. Do you see why nobody asked me to contribute ideas to today’s festivities?<figure id="d493"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*nWU

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xquKCumuMRCBlWbnd7w.jpeg"><figcaption>1968: Another royal portrait at Frogmore House in Windsor.</figcaption></figure>God, I love this picture. Mostly because Charles looks like the poster child for adolescent misery. You can imagine him furiously masturbating in one of Frogmore House’s antiquated bathrooms while the handlers bang on his door to go take the picture. He returns the folio of Ann Boleyn and Joanna the Mad drawings to its place behind the heater before calling out that he’s coming. He laughs to himself, because he thinks that’s clever.There are two other things I like about this photo. First, it is another example of my “Prince Philip always looks good, but always looks like an asshole” theory. The second is Andrew’s cuffs. It’s good to know that I wasn’t the only person rocking four-inch internal cuffs, corduroy pants, and a polyester shirt without collar buttons in 1968.<figure id="3700"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*9xkgQT-lZDR7F0uCTGkxqw.jpeg"><figcaption>1980: The Queen and some of her corgis walk the cross country course during the second day of the Windsor Horse Trials.</figcaption></figure>This could be a picture of my mom. The 70s affected everyone. This is what a Queen looked like in the 70s. Maybe you can ease up on yourself for that picture of you sitting in shorts on a Pinto drinking a refreshing, 1 calorie Tab¹.¹ Accountants please note: Native Ad 009–789–006T (Tab account) to be credited to Gutbloom. Transaction #: 0003.</article></body>

Happy Birthday, Elizabeth

1985:Queen Elizabeth II taking the salute of the Household Guards regiments during the Trooping the Colour ceremony in London. Stolen from the BBC.

I’m one of the Royal loving Americans that the English like to heap scorn on. I spent a good part of my younger life having antipathy for the English and loathing Anglophiles before realizing that I was making a huge mistake and that I should embrace my latent Anglophilia. I much happier where I am now.

When I see pictures of the Queen with all of her welfare babies, I say “awwwwwww.”

Hey, this is an Annie Leibovitz image I just stole. Now I’ve ripped off both the BBC AND Annie Leibovitz.

The BBC has a great “full coverage” page for the Queen’s birthday, which is today, April 21st. They also have a wonderful 90 pictures for 90 years. I stole the best and posted them here for you. You see what I do for you, my Mediuman friends? I steal from the Queen to feed you, just like Robin Hood.

1944: Image copyright: PAImage caption: Princess Elizabeth visited the National Sea Scouts Exhibition at the London Scottish Headquarters in Buckingham Gate.

I picked this one because it is the sexiest photo of Elizabeth I could find. Sure, she was 18, but if this photo doesn’t get the Anglophile-o-meter to read “hubba hubba,” then maybe you should eat more roast beef. I apologize in advance for all the rape-culture, cis-gendered heteronormativity, but the Queen holds on to the parts of feudalism and colonialism that she likes, so why can’t I?

1962: The leopard-skin coat worn at a Sandown Park race meeting has since been consigned to the wardrobe after conservationists urged her not to wear it — but she has been spotted in other fur coats and hats over the years.

Leopard skin! She is wearing a leopard-skin coat. It’s so fucking fascinatingly horrible. I mean, it’s a beautiful coat… because it was once a beautiful animal, amirite? Fake leopard skin doesn’t really compare, does it? I want Bob Dylan to remake “Leopard-skin pillbox hat” into “Leopard-skin Royal Coat” and sing it to her at the Royal Albert Hall on her birthday. Do you see why nobody asked me to contribute ideas to today’s festivities?

1968: Another royal portrait at Frogmore House in Windsor.

God, I love this picture. Mostly because Charles looks like the poster child for adolescent misery. You can imagine him furiously masturbating in one of Frogmore House’s antiquated bathrooms while the handlers bang on his door to go take the picture. He returns the folio of Ann Boleyn and Joanna the Mad drawings to its place behind the heater before calling out that he’s coming. He laughs to himself, because he thinks that’s clever.

There are two other things I like about this photo. First, it is another example of my “Prince Philip always looks good, but always looks like an asshole” theory. The second is Andrew’s cuffs. It’s good to know that I wasn’t the only person rocking four-inch internal cuffs, corduroy pants, and a polyester shirt without collar buttons in 1968.

1980: The Queen and some of her corgis walk the cross country course during the second day of the Windsor Horse Trials.

This could be a picture of my mom. The 70s affected everyone. This is what a Queen looked like in the 70s. Maybe you can ease up on yourself for that picture of you sitting in shorts on a Pinto drinking a refreshing, 1 calorie Tab¹.

¹ Accountants please note: Native Ad 009–789–006T (Tab account) to be credited to Gutbloom. Transaction #: 0003.