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so make me feel completely helpless. I long for justice in every situation, I don’t want to settle for a compromise, I want to meet all of my expectations, and I want to be strong enough to care for everyone around me. I hate acknowledging that I can’t be everything for everyone. It makes me feel weak and shameful. It makes me acknowledge my humanity and that requires me to think in between the binary that I often want to live in.</p><p id="f302">Dealing with uncomfortable and shameful emotions feels completely overwhelming for me. I often need to remind myself that emotions are temporary and that they will pass like they always do. This is most difficult to acknowledge when shame and guilt take over. Those are the emotions that make me feel stuck. Those are the emotions that used to drive me to self harm. These emotions make it difficult to eat, to do chores, to even cry and process. I just feel frozen. This feeds into my helpless feelings.</p><p id="a4ee">I am very thankful to have a good therapist to work through these feelings with. I finally feel like I have a support system of friends and professionals to help me stabilize when I get this depressed. With that being said, I think that it’s important to share what the bad days look and feel like. Before getting diagnosed with autism, my breakdowns felt like something completely out of my control. I didn’t have language to explain why I would get to such a terrible place mentally until I learned about adult autism.</p><p id="d5df">Now I have sign posts that tell me when things are getting da

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rk mentally. I’ve learned to expect that I will eventually get into a situation that causes me autistic burnout or complete over stimulation. This is just a reality that I and many others live with. I’m learning to be more practical in accepting myself in my weakness, but sometimes I just fall down the rabbit hole of despair.</p><p id="480e">🦋 💖 ✨ Please make sure to ✨ 💖 🦋</p><p id="2283">👏Give 50 claps 👏</p><p id="4054">📖 Stay on the page for at least 30 seconds 📖</p><p id="1c4d">💬Comment your reflection of the article 💬</p><p id="b315"><b>My writing is completely supported by readers like you.</b></p><figure id="6848"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*wiAAVn9u-wU1Aq4x"><figcaption></figcaption></figure><p id="421c"><b>If you value my work, please consider supporting me by buying me a coffee using the link below</b></p><div id="8d36" class="link-block"> <a href="https://www.buymeacoffee.com/myexistentialdiary.blog"> <div> <div> <h2>B is 💖 🌈 🦋 I write poetry and stories about my life 🦋 🌈 💖</h2> <div><h3>Hey! 🤗 My Name Is "B". ✨ I am a queer 🌈, autistic, nerdy scientist (B.S. in Astrophysics) 🤓 who sees the world in…</h3></div> <div><p>www.buymeacoffee.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*nrxd8-DvQGm4v2HK)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Autism and Shame (Goodmorning by Bleachers)

“Woke up I’m in the in between honey,

one foot out and I know the weight is coming,

because I left it by the bed last night”

Have you ever carried a weight that meets you when your head hits the pillow at night and right when you wake up? A kind of pain that is inescapable and impossible to ignore. I’ve been dealing with something like that recently and it feels paralyzing.

I’m idealistic and rigid to a fault at times. This is a characteristic of my autism that makes me strive towards great things, but can also make me feel completely helpless. I long for justice in every situation, I don’t want to settle for a compromise, I want to meet all of my expectations, and I want to be strong enough to care for everyone around me. I hate acknowledging that I can’t be everything for everyone. It makes me feel weak and shameful. It makes me acknowledge my humanity and that requires me to think in between the binary that I often want to live in.

Dealing with uncomfortable and shameful emotions feels completely overwhelming for me. I often need to remind myself that emotions are temporary and that they will pass like they always do. This is most difficult to acknowledge when shame and guilt take over. Those are the emotions that make me feel stuck. Those are the emotions that used to drive me to self harm. These emotions make it difficult to eat, to do chores, to even cry and process. I just feel frozen. This feeds into my helpless feelings.

I am very thankful to have a good therapist to work through these feelings with. I finally feel like I have a support system of friends and professionals to help me stabilize when I get this depressed. With that being said, I think that it’s important to share what the bad days look and feel like. Before getting diagnosed with autism, my breakdowns felt like something completely out of my control. I didn’t have language to explain why I would get to such a terrible place mentally until I learned about adult autism.

Now I have sign posts that tell me when things are getting dark mentally. I’ve learned to expect that I will eventually get into a situation that causes me autistic burnout or complete over stimulation. This is just a reality that I and many others live with. I’m learning to be more practical in accepting myself in my weakness, but sometimes I just fall down the rabbit hole of despair.

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👏Give 50 claps 👏

📖 Stay on the page for at least 30 seconds 📖

💬Comment your reflection of the article 💬

My writing is completely supported by readers like you.

If you value my work, please consider supporting me by buying me a coffee using the link below