Authenticity In the Age of Entitlement

Healing vicariously through others, and expecting them to do it better.

In the name of authenticity, we’ve gotten confused about a lot of things. Authenticity means being genuine and faithful to our true selves. It’s the true self part that confuses people. The reason it’s confusing is that most people have no idea what it is. So in the name of a so-called ‘true’ self, we enjoy shaming other non-true selves, in the hopes that that will make us feel truer.

It’s actually quite exhausting. But it happens all the time.

You’re Not Authentic, You’re An Attention-Seeker

Aren’t we all just seeking validation? In some way or another, as Celine says in Before Sunrise, isn’t everything we do not just an attempt to be loved a little better. A little more?

Consider it for a second.

One of the perils of the social media culture is that there is a tendency to only share and consume the ups of life. The blissful and beautiful moments. Not the mundane or bleak moments. The reason is simple: people want to be liked, and no one will like you if you are boring or messed up.

This validation-seeking fragility of human nature is very intentionally exploited by social media. In fact, the founder and ex-president of Facebook, Sean Parker, confesses that the addictive features of Facebook were purposefully developed.

The founders thought: “How do we consume as much of your time and conscious attention as possible?” and decided the answer was through dopamine hits. Like buttons. Follower numbers. Anything to fuel — or challenge — the ego and to reaffirm our social-validation-seeking behaviors. Anything to get people to post more and scroll more. And suddenly you don’t even know how or why, but you need more.

So down you go, into the void. Every little sign of validation becomes an extra confirmation, and so you carry on, looking for the next quick fix that will keep you steady. Everything is instant, just waiting for you at the click of a button. Friends. Likes. Food. Sex. The sky is the limit. Who wouldn’t want to push that button?

But once you do, it’s difficult to stop.

Your Perfect and Happy Life Isn’t Authentic, My Crappy One Is

Still, when used wisely, social media is an excellent tool. It can bridge people together across oceans, and provide insightful perspectives on things and others. And of course, much of our authenticity does in fact come from sharing the happy moments of our existence.

But the line gets fuzzy when authenticity meets privacy. In the realm of social media, where sharing and vicarious living become a two-for-the-price-of-one package deal, it becomes difficult to set limits. Especially when other people start to make you feel as though you owe it to them to share all your struggles and vulnerabilities in a 100% transparent way.

In the name of authenticity, many people deem that they are entitled to call others out on their non-authenticity.

If you only post good things, you’re a fake and shouldn’t be lying to the world. An angry mob of entitled police folk will come at you, reminding you that no one’s life is that great. They will unkindly remind you that you are being toxic, and of course, that you must be attention-seeking.

On the other hand, if you post real things, you’re loved for being relatable. That is until you decide to keep certain things to yourself, by which point you are not being transparent anymore. Why aren’t you being transparent? Privacy, it appears, is basically like lying to the world…

Being vulnerable online can be great to build authentic communities. But it can also quickly turn uncomfortable when others feel entitled to it. Interestingly though, sometimes, our vulnerability and healing should be kept private.

People online are not martyrs who should live unveiled in the name of world healing.

In fact, selecting which sides of yourself to share online is not very different from selecting which sides to share in real life, in this case. You wouldn’t be vulnerable with a stranger in the same way that you are with a close friend. You choose who you feel comfortable being vulnerable around. Who you feel safe with, and who will ultimately support your healing, and not shame you during the process.

Why then has social media culture developed this sense of entitlement to know about other people’s lives? Why is someone fake for healing privately? Not showing your full self is not synonymous with fooling people or bragging about having a good life. In other words, as Florence Given says in Women Don’t Owe You Pretty:

“You don’t owe anyone (your) trauma” — p.83

We are scared of our pain, and that’s why collectively we avoid showcasing it

People have a tendency to avoid pain. It turns out, it’s not a fantastic thing to feel, in the end. What’s ironic is that we also have a tendency to recall bad memories more than good ones. In an attempt to evolutionarily protect us, our bodies choose to store what has previously harmed us more than that which was good.

So, we remember pain more but are simultaneously afraid of it. Great. But that’s not it. We also feel more motivated to avoid negative self-definitions, than to actually chase positive self-definitions. And of course, negative stereotypes are not only easier to form, but they are also more resistant to change than positive stereotypes.

Thus, just to clarify — we are all feeling the pain. Many of us are actively avoiding it, but ultimately, recall it all too well. And finally, as a means to soften that burden of denial, we project onto others.

In effect, our sense of entitlement regarding the “real selves” of others is more of a reflection of our own deep-rooted fears. Judging someone else’s fakeness is certainly easier than addressing one’s own.

Fakeness is just one of the many masks of avoidance.

When a person posts all their successes and highlights, they appear abundant, problem-free, and striving. If you happen to feel stuck, problem-full, and lacking, that can feel like a real kick in the face.

The point is, that’s not the whole story. And neither are your issues. The whole story is the process by which you choose to heal your projected insecurities. You are not entitled to hold someone you don’t even know accountable for your own insecurities. You are not entitled to be disappointed when someone you don’t know isn’t who you wanted them to be.

Is it the pain we are afraid of, or is it of healing?

Pain is uncomfortable, but healing means change. Humans notoriously avoid change because it is unknown, and therefore almost more uncomfortable than the pain. It is an active process. It requires and involves your input. You can’t just feel it, you need to do something about the feeling. You need to shift.

So naturally, other people become the perfect scapegoat. “Why don’t they change? Why are they that way?” we ask. It seems so obvious from the outside. It is so easy to spot out the in-authenticities in others when we know what they are in ourselves. It’s also easy to judge them because it means not having to judge ourselves.

So there is a projection in the place of healing.

It seems so silly. Why do we expect others to do the heavy lifting for us while we throw rocks at them? Why do we think it’s helpful to heal vicariously through others? Why do we hold others accountable when we should be holding ourselves accountable?

In the end, you’re only entitled to yourself. No one owes you your personal healing. You owe it to yourself.