My Boyfriend Joined An Ashram To Be With Another Girl — Authenticity in Self-Enlightenment

A journey you cannot perform

I am a sucker for self-improvement, mental health, and spirituality — anything that can help me understand myself better and unpack my childhood trauma. So many of us go on seeking and questioning the world to understand life better. It is a challenging journey and one that doesn’t stop. Ever.

Self-enlightenment has many definitions. I don’t know if I can call myself enlightened, but one thing for sure is that I am more accepting of myself now. I feel that I live more authentically now as a person. I think authenticity is a big key to self-enlightenment that is not discussed enough.

In my mid-twenties, I met a guy. I was enamored, infatuated, caught feelings, all of it with him. He was funny, witty, smart, and looking for something more to life. We explored the city together and talked about our hopes and dreams. We got together because we were both looking for meaning and purpose in this world.

Here is where things get funny.

At that time, I was volunteering at an outreach center, promoting a certain Vedic culture– Gaudiya Vaishnavism or Hare Krishna. A couple there ran an ashram for men, and they had an opening. I told my then-boyfriend.

For those unfamiliar with the term ‘ashram,’ it often refers to some variation of a monastery or a place to study. This particular ashram was a place for people to learn more about the spiritual movement under the guidance of the senior couple. There are often rules in an ashram, and a common one is no romantic relationship when you are there. This makes sense because when trying to study, especially about spirituality and yourself, being in a romantic relationship is distracting.

Back to the story.

As you can guess, he joined the ashram. I understood the rule and, secretly, was living vicariously through him. I was happy for him but also sad because it was the end of us. As low as this was, it also pushed me to learn more. Weirdly, in my mind, we were on a journey together, though separately.

He was happy he got accepted into the ashram. It was a great place to stay. He got to learn and volunteer at the outreach center — a sweet deal. We both cried a bit, but this breakup was weird because we would still see each other at the center. This was something we both were not prepared for.

Weeks passed, and we managed this well — or so I thought. He started showing off how many books he had read, to the point that I felt he was belittling me. I understand — learning about yourself and your spirituality is exciting, and you want to share it. That could have been the case, but it rubbed me the wrong way. It felt preachy, judgy, and elitist.

But what got to me the most was this — he went on a date a month after we broke up while in the ashram with my friend.

Words cannot express the rage I felt at that time. So many things went through my mind. We broke up so he could join the ashram, and he went on a date. Or more. Unbelievable!

Looking back at this situation made me realize that authenticity is key to enlightenment and self-discovery.

Authenticity means being honest with yourself, presenting yourself as it is, and living true to yourself.

This is a challenging journey. We, at times, don’t even know who we are. Are we the body or the mind, or perhaps it’s all socially constructed?

Being authentic takes time and so much self-reflection that it certainly has driven many insane.

But do we even have a choice? Can we live while being inauthentic?

The answer is no — you cannot hide your true self and desires.

We must understand that whatever is in the heart will come out — we feel, think, and will.

Our insecurities, needs, and traumas will come out — one way or another. What we can do is acknowledge it and deal with it in a healthy way as we can.

Many people think that enlightenment is a performance. If you act a certain way, read enough books, get baptized, or be able to quote sastras, then you are enlightened! You and I know that this is not the case.

In pursuing enlightenment, many suppress and push down their desires and needs. They may seem enlightened from the outside, but it is complete turmoil on the inside.

True enlightenment is not performative; it is authentic.

Along the way, while I was in that community, I met many that joined the group and left or did things considered inappropriate — mainly using substances or having relationships where they weren’t supposed to, like my ex.

I truly felt hurt then, but I now think differently about the situation. Sometimes, we suppress our feelings and need to feel accepted by someone or a group. Or to make us feel better about ourselves in a weird way. It may be easy initially to act a certain way, but it will get harder and eventually manifest itself in every aspect of our lives.

As was the case with him, he had a desire for companionship which is normal. The thing that went wrong was not being honest about it. He left the ashram a year later, and I wonder if he found what he was looking for then.

But what’s better than pretending? Living life as you are. No apologies, true to yourself, no more denying your feelings and needs — authentic.