Talk About Splitsville…
Auditioning for Letterman’s Stupid Human Tricks
With My Extra Special Talent
Wanting to become a ballerina required incredible flexibility. Not just in adapting to whatever was thrown at you. Like the time I learned a dance on the bus taking us to the show, when someone got injured that morning. (I swear I didn’t trip her before the trip to get the “break”.) But also the flexibility to literally bend so out of bounds - it would make Gumby look like he was perpetually planking.
In my teens, I usually intentionally fell asleep in some sort of a contorted lifelike pretzel. Such as “the frog”. Our teacher told us if we emulated the amphibians’ legs at night, we would wake up with superior “turn out” of our hips.
And hip replacements a couple of decades later, as it “turned out”!
One particular stretch that eluded me, however, was rolling through a middle split position like in this video (also not me):
I could get to the position to set me up for the roll or “swim through”. But I wasn’t budging. I kept practicing. No movement whatsoever, as my “constipated” hips betrayed me. Weeks went by.
Just when I thought it would never happen, my brother made me do it. He was taunting me with some Halloween candy just out of my reach while I was stretching. My strict diet had me thinking of cheating all day. And that was plenty motivation for this sweet tooth to reach far enough to grab a chocolate bar, inadvertently yet ecstatically doing that move in the process. Finally!
I did it over and over again so as not to lose the ability. (And also because there was more candy to be had.) I noticed the trick was not only good for being limber, but also “swept” all the dust off the floor. I got an idea.
“I should go on Letterman’s Stupid Human Tricks!” I announced to my family with enthusiastic eyes bugging out.
“Doing what?” They asked bristling in anticipation of what I was about to share.
“Being a human broom with my swim through move!” I said exuberantly, whilst demonstrating.
Their eye rolls said it all. I obviously needed to add some more panache.
For those of you who don’t know about that segment…
When I showed them again, I strategically pinned a cleaning rag to my blouse, donned a white bow tie and gloves, and humanly hoovered the contents of the vacuum cleaner bag I dumped in front of my middle split. This time they found it somewhat amusing and giggled at least. They asked if I even knew the process for getting on the show.
Those were the days long before Googling, let alone home computers. There was no quick method to find out about auditioning. Especially since we didn’t live anywhere near New York City, where the show was taped.
Time went by and eventually my interest waned as I chased joining a dance company, over making a fool of myself on Letterman. Probably for the best.
But I can still uniquely sweep the floor like no one else.
And that, my friends, is precisely what happens when you come clean about desperately needing to split.
Thank you for reading my story.
Thank you to Michael Burg, MD (Satire Sommelier) 😬at https://medium.com/tag/doctor-funny
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For more, please see my book: http://amzn.to/3s01fDv