AuDHD: How to Manage the Contradictions of Autism and ADHD

A Guide to Controlling the Chaos in Your Mind

If you have both Autism and ADHD, I don’t need to tell you about the constant conflict going on in your brain.

I’m sure you know it all too well…

ASD and ADHD have many overlapping symptoms, but they also have unique aspects to them. Aspects that often contradict each other, and make having both very challenging.

So let’s talk about those differences and strategies that may help you cope with them.

(And if you want to watch instead of read, I posted a YouTube video on this topic! Check it out here.)

Concentration

ASD: Likes to concentrate on one task at a time.

ADHD: Frequently jumping from one task to another.

Context

I find that certain tasks need my full attention/focus, and other tasks need distraction or extra stimulation to get them done. But, too much going on at any given time is a recipe for overwhelm and shutdown, no matter the type of task.

I’m sure this is the case for many people, but it’s important to understand exactly what this looks like for you. Which tasks need your full focus and which do you need to multitask to complete?

There may be tasks that other people have told you need your full focus, and that may be true for them, but not true for you.

For example, in High School, my history teacher got mad when I did my calculus homework in her class. Because that meant I wasn’t paying attention. Somehow, that made sense to her, even though I had a good grade in her class…

I tried to explain to her the only reason I was paying attention was because I was doing calculus. She, of course, didn’t get it. She made me stop doing my homework in her class.

When I couldn’t do other work during her lectures, I would doodle, daydream, or fall asleep. I couldn’t pay attention. I couldn’t help it. And I suffered. My grade fell, and I had to find time outside of her class (time I didn’t have) to complete my homework.

I wanted to listen, but I needed to do something else at the same time. The lecture itself wasn’t stimulating enough. Giving my brain something stimulating to do at the same time, helped the other part of my brain focus.

Many neurotypical people won’t understand this. When you try to explain, they won’t believe you. They’ll think you are making it up to get out of whatever thing they want you to focus on.

Other neurodivergent people should understand this though.

It’s important to listen to yourself and what you need rather than what others have told you or what is “normal”.

If you have a choice, try to educate, or avoid, people who don’t let you do things the way you need to do them to get them done.

There are no set rules for how to do 99% of things. As long as you are not harming someone else in the process, do things your own way.

You are not the same as everyone else. (In a good way, even though it can be challenging at times.) Don’t let what everyone else does dictate the way you do things.

You have to find what works for you.

Strategies to manage/cope

I recommend taking a week or two to observe yourself, pay attention to how you do things, and take notes/make a list.

Categorize tasks as “Singular Focus” or “Multi-focus”.

Singular focus tasks feel like torture or are impossible to do when there are other distractions. (Note: these distractions can be in your environment or in your own brain.)

Multi-focus tasks feel like torture or are impossible to do when you don’t have other things to focus on or distract yourself with while you do them.

For these tasks, you may also want to note which activities you like to pair with these tasks. For example, I like to watch YouTube videos on my phone in the shower. And, I listen to audiobooks and take notes on my phone when I go for walks. For good reason, I don’t listen to audiobooks in the shower, and I don’t watch YouTube videos while on walks.

Once you have this information, you can review the list, and make adjustments in your life.

For singular-focus tasks, it’s important to set yourself up for success. Make sure you’re in the right headspace and environment. Are you wearing comfortable clothes? Is the room at the right temperature? Lights on or off? Do you need headphones or earplugs? Do you have the necessary 1–3 beverages? Remove distractions from your environment (and brain), and meet your sensory needs.

For multi-focus tasks, how you do these will vary depending on the day, your energy level, and the kind of task. But most days, you’ll want to make sure you have two to four things you can move your focus between. Thinking counts as a task, so make sure you have space for that too, if you need it.

Some days, you may need to be watching a show, cooking, and cleaning the kitchen to get the kitchen clean.

On other days, you may need to hyper-focus on cleaning while deep in thought to work through something.

It will all depend. Be flexible and be kind to yourself.

Once you start paying attention and doing things your own way, this will get much easier.

Structure & Impulsivity

ASD: Needs the same structure and routine. Carefully plans things before they happen.

ADHD: Needs new and exciting routines (easily bored). Makes impulsive decisions, plans, and purchases.

Context

I find this one particularly challenging, for many reasons.

I could eat the same food every day, no problem, and that’s what I prefer to do. Then one day, it becomes “not right”. Nothing’s changed, but it’s different. I may try to eat it a few more times out of preference for my routine, but then I have to ditch it, and usually never eat it again.

I’m that way with many things, and it’s frustrating. I’ll settle into a routine that I like and is working. Then, a strong desire for something completely new comes on, and I want to change everything.

There have been times when I’ve acted spontaneously on making these desired changes. Then, my ASD brain freaks out.

Suddenly, a change I made intentionally becomes impossible to cope with. It’s especially hard to cope when you make a decision that throws your life into a tailspin, but you didn't know it would.

People with ASD often have a preference for consistency and things we know we like. New things can be overstimulating and difficult to cope with emotionally, so we have a strong preference for sameness. Consistency helps us stay regulated.

But, when you also have ADHD, you have a desire for newness, excitement, and adventure. Gotta get that dopamine.

It’s important to meet your need for both.

Strategies to manage/cope

The best way I’ve found to cope with this is to plan your spontaneity, newness, and change. Build it into your routine.

Yes, it sounds counterintuitive, but your ADHD brain will get into it all the same. It’s also necessary.

It’s debilitating when your ADHD self changes something that is important to your ASD self because you haven’t built enough newness into your routine. That debilitation is what we’re trying to avoid.

By building newness, excitement, and adventure into your routine, both sides can get what they need.

For example, I like to hike. I try to include it in my routine 1–2x per week. It’s the perfect combination of sameness for ASD and newness for ADHD.

I can prepare for varying conditions on the trail, and for the most part, I know what to expect. At the same time, each hike and trail is different and a new adventure.

You may not like hiking. But, you can find other things you enjoy that provide a consistent experience, and also, something new every time. Try making a list of those things and building them into your regular routine.

Another way to cope with this is to have routines and structure around specific tasks, but avoid a strict daily routine.

I like to have more fluidity in my day-to-day. I don’t enjoy a rigid, structured routine. It doesn’t provide enough variety for my ADHD brain, and it makes me feel trapped. Also, some days I have more energy than others, so having a strict routine sets me up for failure.

Instead, I prefer to have routine and structure around how I do things, but flexibility around when they get done.

This allows me to plan my days based on how much energy I have, provides more variety, and still satisfies my need for structure.

Interests

ASD: Intense knowledge and focus on a few interests.

ADHD: Quickly changing interests and hyper-fixations.

Context

Special interests and hyper-fixations look different for everyone.

Some people have a specific interest and dive deep into that specific topic or subject. Other people's special interests are more broad and span many subjects. Some people have more fixed interests and others change over time.

Interests and hyper-fixations can show up in a different way when you have AuDHD vs. someone who has only ADHD or only ASD.

A lot of people with AuDHD may struggle because our interests seem too broad to fit within the ASD camp, but too narrow to fit within the ADHD camp.

With closer examination, you may find you have some combination of both.

My special interests tend to be broader subjects (like business, psychology, and human behavior). I also have a deeper interest in a range of specific topics within those subjects.

Learning is also a special interest of mine. It doesn’t even matter what the subject matter is. If it’s weird or sparks curiosity, and I can learn something new, I’m into it.

For this reason, there are a few subjects I know a lot about, and many subjects I know a little bit about.

But, I also like to try new things and will go down a huge rabbit hole of learning everything about it when I do.

So I have my primary lanes, but I also, often, veer into others.

Strategies to manage/cope

Give yourself a lot of grace and remove the pressure to fit into a certain box.

Whatever you like, go with it.

Get full-ass into the things you’re into. It doesn’t matter if your interests fall within one topic or many. It doesn’t matter if you’re consistent or if your interests change often. Who cares.

If you pick up a new hobby, get super into it for a period of time, and then put it down and move to something else, that’s OK. You can be into something, and then put it to the side for a while, that doesn’t mean you can never pick it up again.

Despite what other people have told you, you can be a little more fluid here.

You also don’t have to be super into everything all the time. You can find a middle ground and be casually interested in something you used to have an obsession with.

I know it’s not in our nature, but you can find a middle ground if that’s what you want. Or not. It’s up to you.

Something that’s really helped me — once I know something is a tendency of mine because of my AuDHD, it’s easier for me to gain control over it.

Both ADHD and ASD tend to have “all or nothing” thinking. Sometimes this is a good thing, but sometimes it isn’t. Because I know that is my tendency, but I don’t always agree with it, I can look out for it. And I can choose if I agree with that thinking or not.

Society always wants to put us in a box and slap on a label.

Other people create pressure for us to find our own box and label because it helps them understand us.

But, when you’re the type of person who doesn’t fit in a box, it’s not beneficial to us at all. That pressure can be harmful to our self-esteem.

I reject that. We can understand ourselves without having to fit into a box. And it doesn't matter if other people understand us or not.

You can be or do whatever you want at any time, you don’t have to stay in one box. You can jump from box to box, or rearrange your boxes any time you want.

Perspective is everything here.

Allow yourself to dance to the beat of your drum. It’s OK if other people don’t understand you. It’s OK if you don’t understand you all the time.

Do the things you enjoy. It’s that simple.

In Conclusion…

Understanding what you need, when you need it, is a skill and it takes practice.

Many people struggle with this, not only people with AuDHD.

Yet, it can be especially difficult for us when our needs are often conflicting. And they vary depending on the specific situation, environment, and circumstance.

Give yourself some grace. You’re human. And humaning is hard. You’re doing a great job.

Whenever I’m struggling, I find it helpful to think of myself as a scientist or a detective. Rather than immediately judging or being critical of myself, I tell myself I need to learn more, research, or investigate. And I give myself time to do that.

I ask myself questions, pay more attention to myself, and make observations that I use as data points. Then, I use that information to figure out what I need to adjust or change to make it work for me, or not do that thing at all.

You might struggle with something, but that doesn’t mean there’s a problem or something that you need to “fix”.

That thing might not be for you. And that’s OK. Not everything is for everyone.

Sure, some things in life are unavoidable. And you’ll need to make adjustments for yourself to get those things done. But other things, you can and should avoid them if they don’t work for you.

Automate. Delegate. Delete.

Part of the beauty of life is there’s no “right” way to do it.

There’s no instruction manual you have to follow. Outside of not breaking the law, you can live your life any way you want.

From the Roman Emperor and Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius, “just do the right thing. The rest does not matter”.

So, find what works for you. And as long as you’re doing the right thing, the rest doesn’t matter.

Is there anything you’d add? Leave a comment!

I frequently write about mental health and personal development from a neurodivergent perspective, so follow if that’s interesting to you.

Also, check out the Neurodivergent Network, or my YouTube Channel.

Thanks for taking the time to read this article. I hope it provided you with insight or a newfound perspective!