AuDHD: A Breakdown of My Traits

Teasing out the Autism from the ADHD.

An itemized look at the traits of each, neither of which are exhaustive.

Since diagnosis, it feels like I am constantly uncovering or discovering life-long quirks that can be assigned to one or the other, but have otherwise just become a part of who I am.

ADHD:

100MPH in all directions, all the time.
Cannot relax or sit still, ever.
Racing ‘dialogue’ of the mind. (Multiple thought streams playing at once, paired with an ear-worm song serenading as a lovely, and quickly annoying, background music)

Talk quickly, move quickly, think quickly, drive quickly — IMPATIENT.
Spontaneous.
LOUD.
Excitable.
Enthusiastic.
Misses details (too much attention required — and/or it’s just boring).
Scatter-brained.
Disorganized.
IMPULSIVE. Everything- Right. Now. Present moment only — there is no later.
Speaking of later. (“Oh, I’ll get to that later…. or… I’ll clean up that mess later…or…Big deal! Let's have fun, now! I’ll worry about that other stuff later…). Spoiler alert: Again, there is no later…ADHD refuses to pay attention to or accept this small detail though.
Seeks out the FUN in everything. (Why yes, I do believe I will apply war-paint to my face for the neighbor kids' laser tag birthday party this afternoon…duh?)
GRAND new ideas, daily. And they ALL must be announced to everyone near and far with intensity and enthusiasm! And also executed, right now! Well…maybe not like, this exact moment… ya know…later.
Sensory-seeking. Always in need of more. More, more, more. Stimulation. Stimulation. Stimulation.
Forgetful/flighty.
Distracted (Not just in the mind but also physically: Start something…see or hear something else and jump ship…not completing what was originally started. Now do this 37 times in a day. Rinse & Repeat.)
Verbal Mess. Start and stop, start, re-start, stop, side quest, pivot! (DAMNIT WOMAN! JUST SPIT IT OUT!)
Internal processor is set to HyperSpeed…quick thinking. Always 10 steps ahead of others and frustrated nobody is keeping up.
RSD/Emotional Dysregulation
Driven by emotion.

ADHD Summary:

My ADHD is my wild child. My impulsive, free-spirited, hippie-dippie, out of this world -ALIVE- being, who wants to do it ALL and NOW. She possesses so much energy and is always on the go. One thought after another…and another…and another…yet doesn't possess an ability to keep track of her fleeting thoughts or ideas (nor does she want to- ew). With little to no patience and a motor set at idle-high, she refuses to stop for or give attention to, any of the boring, gross details. She wants to push all the boundaries, break all the rules, and grab life by the horns. If she isn't kept in check, she has the ability to be a bit destructive.

A rather charismatic and chatty gal, she awkwardly (and perhaps intentionally) fumbles her way into the center-stage spotlight — dancing, singing, and entertaining her way through life. She is full of all the feels and isn't afraid to share or open up about them. She is full of fantasy and fairytale, always fashionably sporting the latest rose-colored-glasses. A dreamer at heart, she refuses to see anything but the best in all that life has to offer.

For better or for worse, she bulldozes through life - albeit with a big heart and plenty of enthusiastic song and dance.

AUTISM:

Structured and systemized (admittedly, a bit pathologically…)
Thrives on (and demands) routine.
Extremely punctual.
Intolerant of change. (I only like changes made on MY terms — sounds selfish, I know. But it’s the truth.)
Innate desire for understanding everything, inside and out.
Needs definitive answers, conclusions, clear understanding.
Compartmentalized. (Meaning — Okay. I have an answer/conclusion for this. Check. Moving on.) For instance: I can have a blowout argument with a loved one and as soon as I feel we have met a resolution — I label it as having an answer, the problem has been fixed, glad that is behind us, and immediately rolling into asking about plans for dinner. Not dwelling, reliving, or harboring resentful, unmet feelings after a resolution has been made. We said this. I mean what I said, as well as believe what you said. That is all. Out of sight, out of mind.
Tendency to be literal.
Basic. (No need or desire for excess, frills, more than bare-bones necessary, minimalistic)
Poor Interoception (not recognizing internal cues: hunger, pain, needing to use the restroom, etc)
Alexithymia. (Difficulty recognizing own feelings)
Extreme Sensory Processing Disorder. (Pretty sure I could write an entire 10 articles just about the daily struggles of sensory-overload).
Stimming.
Social hermit. If left to my own vices, I might only step foot off my property twice/month. That would be the max-limit I would offer ADHD to be social — and it would be limited to a select few individuals who met the requirements of my socially high standards. (NO: superficial small talk, niceties, fake or socially-acceptable-scripted anything, please and thanks)
Disliking forced eye contact. I can make eye contact and I can keep eye contact if required of me, however, you better believe somewhere in the conversation I will be internally checked out and arguing with myself as to how many seconds I spent staring in their eyes vs. looking away, if they recognize me doing this, if they are weirded out by my internal breakdown of appropriate eye contact and doing D) all of the above. I tend to more naturally keep eye contact when someone is speaking to me, but when expected to speak myself, it is not naturally comfortable to look directly at someone while speaking, especially if I am on a special interest rant of some sort or needing to carefully focus on my thoughts and what I am trying to express.
Special interests and fixations/obsessions.
Rumination.
Emotional Dysregulation (from overstimulation).
Driven by logic and reason.
Black and white thinking/understanding. All or nothing mentality.
Verbal breakdowns. Stumbling/fumbling on my words or thought process. Stopping mid-sentence to almost, ‘re-center and try again’. It so often feels like I can never quite explain or express myself the way I want to in my head — it gets stuck somewhere between my brain and my mouth, and then I get frustrated, and eventually spit out enough information to feel semi-satiated, but deep down just feeling exhausted and defeated. This is why I love to write…all the time in the world to adequately express my truth.
Meltdowns/Shutdowns.
A outward perception of lacking empathy (this is not the internal experience)
A lot of time and space alone.
Innate sense and obligation to integrity and justice. Right and wrong.

Autism Summary:

My autism is my logical, often robotic-like, dutiful, people-pleaser. My inner (and outer) control-freak. The one who gets immense enjoyment from making schedules, to-do lists, and sets of rules to systematically follow. Always amending and perfecting the rule-maps to help better navigate life, with limited, rigid boundaries for unwelcomed change or error. She has an eager and curious thirst for deep-knowledge regarding anything that interests her or challenges her existing beliefs. On the contrary, she isn't always naturally filtered in her otherwise semi-dismissive, matter of fact attitude as to why she has no interest whatsoever in said subject, and or the entire idea is a waste of time, pointless, and completely irrelevant. Not intentionally, of course. This often can be perceived as selfish, narrow-minded, unempathetic, condescending, or know-it-all to the outside world. She often ruminates about these mis-perceptions, feelings of rejection or being misunderstood, the constant difficulty of connecting with others, and can spend quite a bit of time studying and hyper fixating on self-help, mindfulness, psychology, and how to be the ‘best version’ of herself.

She is the last person in the room to understand the joke and the first person to point out an overlooked detail. She avoids social situations, and prefers most often to home-body and keep to herself. Home offers safety and security, where she feels a sense of control over her surroundings and overall sensory-input. She easily becomes overstimulated with unregulated sensory input or an abrupt change in plans, which can result in a meltdown/shutdown (adult version).

She often thinks and processes in a slower, more methodical and linear-like fashion (which is significantly impacted and influenced by sensory and stimulation).

To be quite frank, her entire daily life and functioning ability is 100% reliant upon and influenced by the sensory input and stimulation of her environment.

BOTH (Plot Twist! A few things they share together):

Loves to shake shit up a bit. This often looks like outside of the box thinking: Questioning norms, bucking routines, challenging ‘tradition’, demanding a concise answer/explanation, asking for clarification when expected to otherwise just get it, just follow suit, or do as you're expected, defying authority and pushing the boundaries from a place of justice or principle.
Special Interests. If ADHD were in full control, it would be crazy, grandiose and wild ideas/new hobbies every week, with an impulsive follow through (if any), lasting for 48 hours or until the whiz-bang-fun wore off. If Autism were in full control it would be hyperfixation, special interest ideas taken to structured extremes (Schedule 10am: Read book. Idea: Read ALL the books in the series for 9 hours straight, and actually , better yet — put this on the calendar for every first Sunday at 10am, forever with no end date or until all books have been read in the series, at which point a new series will be found and scheduled appropriately). And then check the to-do box as completed to give ADHD a hit of dopamine.
Big Ideas. I have to say, if I had to claim a neurodivergent superpower, it would be this. ADHD is great at coming up with some pretty grand, and oftentimes, pretty amazing ideas. However, it is the autism that takes those ideas, carefully assigning a risk vs. reward flowchart, followed by a structured to-do list of every detail and task needed for creation from the bottom up, then creating a color coded and itemized Excel budget sheet, adorned and pre-filled with all the fancy mathematical formulas, and finally…after all the information is gathered, studied, and processed, EXECUTES the idea — like a boss.

#goteam