Summary

The article emphasizes that true attractiveness and success in relationships and career stem from self-confidence and a positive mindset rather than just physical appearance.

Abstract

The author reflects on their past struggles with finding love and a fulfilling job, initially attributing these challenges to their looks. Over time, they realized that attractiveness is not solely based on appearance but also on having confidence and a relaxed attitude towards life's minor issues. The article suggests that people with high self-esteem often achieve greater happiness in personal relationships and professional opportunities. It outlines several strategies to boost confidence, including challenging negative beliefs through cognitive behavioral therapy, focusing on positive aspects of oneself and life, seeking supportive relationships, becoming more assertive, staying fit and active, eating a balanced diet rich in omega-3, and trying new experiences.

Opinions

The author believes that confidence and a positive outlook are key factors in attractiveness and personal success.
They argue that obsessing over physical perfection is misguided and less effective than developing self-esteem and a confident demeanor.
The article posits that people with confidence are often more liked and successful because they radiate an attractive energy.
It is suggested that challenging negative beliefs through techniques like CBT can lead to a more positive self-image and better interpersonal relationships.
The author emphasizes the importance of focusing on one's positive traits and enjoyable aspects of life to combat feelings of misery and improve overall happiness.
Supportive relationships are seen as crucial for building and maintaining self-confidence, while negative relationships can harm self-esteem.
Assertiveness is encouraged as a way to communicate needs effectively and gain confidence, even if it may initially cause friction with others.
Regular physical activity and a healthy diet, particularly including omega-3, are recommended for their mood-boosting effects and contribution to mental well-being.
The author advocates for trying new things as a means to develop skills, interests, and self-assurance.

Attractiveness Isn’t Just About How You Look

Feel better, grow in confidence, boost your mood

As a young person, I used to feel confused and frustrated that I couldn’t find my soul mate, or a good job — the two things I wanted most in life. I focused on trying to improve my appearance, and I practised text book answers to interview questions.

I’m sure trying to look my best improved my chances of finding a job and a partner — but only to a point.

I became obsessed with trying to be perfect and it wasn’t until many years later, that I realised my perception of what people find attractive was flawed. I’d been way too focused on the way I looked. I was anxious about a lot of things, and I lacked self-esteem. That’s not attractive.

I realised that the people who were finding happiness in love, and those leaping into good careers, were the people who had confidence and who were chilled about the small stuff!

They weren’t necessarily people with great looks, but they often had bags of confidence, and that made them popular and well-liked. They got opportunities in work because they radiated confidence. It made them popular and successful.

People who are confident radiate something that’s attractive.

Boosting confidence

I eventually gained a little confidence. I found a good man and had an OK career. But what about other people, who like me when I was younger, feel shy or lack self-belief?

Of course, looking good can make you feel good and gives you confidence, but beyond a cursory look at appearance, for meaningful relationships and lasting ‘luck’ at work, you need to work on your self-esteem issues.

There are some tried and tested ways of doing that and I’m going to look at some of them here.

Challenge negative beliefs

Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) encourages people to challenge negative beliefs, such as ‘they won’t like me’.

In a CBT therapy room, you have to explain why you think someone won’t like you, then come up with a list of opposing arguments to show why that’s not true. There are often many good reasons to challenge negative assumptions and beliefs. It works.

If you’re having trouble with negative beliefs, try this approach — you might surprise yourself.

Focus on positives

Focusing on the things you don’t like about yourself and your life is bound to lead to misery. Try focusing on positive things that you do like — such as your kindness, your willingness to listen — whatever you feel are your best traits. And focus on the things in your life you enjoy — good friends, fun hobbies, Medium?

If you focus on the things that make you miserable, it will make you miserable. So change your focus to give more attention to the good stuff in your life. Hopefully, some of the bad stuff will work itself out in time and you’ll feel happier.

Seek out supportive relationships

This might be easier said than done, but it’s absolutely true that people who lift you up will give you confidence, while those intent on tearing you down can have a devastating effect on your self-esteem.

It’s better to spend more time with the people who lift you up, and less time with people who bring you down. The attitudes and mindsets of the people you hang out with affect you. So mix with people who have a positive and supportive outlook on life. It might brighten your day.

Learn to become more assertive

Speaking out can sometimes help you get what you want and help you gain confidence. I used to keep quiet, convinced that everything I said was stupid. Now, I’m more outspoken — because people aren’t psychic and they don’t know what you want unless you tell them!

Sometimes being outspoken can rub people up the wrong way, but it becomes easier with practice and it can slowly lead to more confidence. Sometimes, it gets you what you want too!

Being fit and active can help

Fitness can help — the chemicals released in the brain when you’re active can give you a mental boost which can lift your spirits and make you feel more confident.

You’ll often feel better when you’re active. It’s better than feeling tired and lethargic from sitting around all day.

Eating well is important for your mental health

By eating well, I mean making healthy choices — lots of fruits and vegetables, nuts, beans and pulses. These foods are beneficial for your mental health.

Try to include a source of omega 3 in your diet, because it’s essential for proper mood regulation. If you don’t have a source of omega 3 in your diet you might feel blue.

Try something new

Trying new things, and taking on new challenges, can help you develop new interests and skills. Positive hobbies, goals and pastimes can help you feel positive and upbeat about your life, and give you confidence. So, what are you waiting for? Try something new!