This is what’s tearing your relationship apart and this is how you can fix it
Sometimes the things that bring us together are also the things that pull us apart.
by: E.B. Johnson
There are many factors that go into attracting us to our partners. We can be drawn to them for their looks, their sense of humor, their ambition. We might even feel drawn to someone just for the way they carry themselves, or interact with the people around them. Whatever the reason we find ourselves falling for someone, one thing is certain: the things that bring us closer to our partners and spouses can also be the very things that tear our relationships apart.
If you’ve found yourself in a relationship that’s fraught with tension and anxiety, the underlying factors for your conflict might just be the exact thing that’s pulling you away from the person you once loved. With a little compassion and a big dose of understanding, you can overcome the stress these divisions cause and get back to the root of the love that you share.
The ways attraction can actually divide you.
While physical appearance, similar interests and even similar personalities can bring two people together — it can also drive them apart. Sometimes, it is the very things that draw us toward someone, that are the same factors that repel us from them when life becomes too much to bear.
Similar personalities
They say that opposites attract, but the same is true for those with very similar personalites. More often than not, we’re attracted to people who are similar to us and that’s a good thing, because those with similar interests are likely to have happier and more fulfilling relationships. The trouble with similarity in our romantic partnerships, however, is when those similarities occur in areas like neuroticism, depression or disagreeableness. These negative traits can come together to create toxic environments that destroy both partners over time.
Physical attractiveness
The physical desire and attraction we have for our partners is important, but it can be a driving factor behind implosion when it becomes the basis for a relationship. Attractive individuals are more likely to end relationships in order to pursue new relationships, often because they are less able to resist the constant pull of a new romantic opportunities they are offered.
Astronomical expectations
While high expectations can do a lot to encourage our partners to excel and thrive, it can also destroy their self-esteem and tear our relationships down from the inside out. Unrealistic expectations leaves couples unprepared to handle inevitable problems, and make them less likely to put in the effort it takes to resolve deep-seated conflicts.
Secret relationships
There’s something about sharing a secret that can draw two people together, but too many secrets can lead to serious problems in your relationship. While intimate secrets can be thrilling in the short-term, they have some toxic long-term effects that can lead to an erosion of trust and relationship confidence. Keeping too many secrets places a burden on our relationships that is hard to overcome.
Signs your relationship is in trouble.
If your attraction is driving you apart, there are a number of concrete signs you can look for. From self-centered demands, to emotional coercion — there’s always a sign that your relationship has hit the rocks. It’s up to you to spot the signs and accept them for what they are.
Missing in Action
Finding yourself with a partner who is unavailable either physically or emotionally is one of the most common signs of poor attachment tendencies.Our partners should be there for us in our moments of need, and that includes both physical and emotional support. Going after those who continue to abandon you is most often a sign that you’re repeating past traumas in an attempt to either confirm or deny the lessons you learned from those traumas.
Emotional coercion
One of the most toxic (and most common) relationship patterns is emotional coercion or manipulation. This involves using grief, happiness and anger — or the threat of them — to get what you want, regardless of how it affects the other person. This is one of the most destructive patterns going, and frequent on both sides of the partnership.
Increased selfishness
Almost all bad relationships are characterized by selfishness and unreasonable demands. If you or your partner behave as though one has power over the other, you’ve found yourself in an unhealthy and unbalanced situation that needs to be corrected before you both lose your sense of self.
Controlling behavior
Partnerships are all about an equal give and take, but that balance can be easily disrupted by our unhealthy and toxic bonding patterns. For those of us struggling with childhood trauma, we can often find ourselves in one-sided relationships in which one partner assumes the role of the parent and the other the child. No matter which side of the equation you end up on here, the results are the same: an imbalance and festering resentment for all.
Identity merging
Those who suffer from toxic attachment usually have a history of unhappiness, disrupt or disturbance in their childhood. For this reason, they often form unhealthy bonding complexes, which can cause them to be clingy or seek to merge their identity to their partner’s. The danger in this, however, is that we must have our own individual identities in order to thrive. Our authentic self is much of what matters in this life, but that version of self can get lost when you willingly bury it beneath the altar of another person.
Emotional hunger
When you struggle to tell the difference between true love and emotional hunger, you can find yourself trapped in a desperate situation, in an even more desperate relationship. Desperation for attention or affection is never a good reason to start a relationship, and it will never lead to a healthy relationship. In order to be happy, you have to be whole, but that’s a process that can only be completed with time — on your own.
The best ways to pull your relationship back together.
Coming to a crossroads doesn’t have to mean coming to an end. If the things that once brought the two of you together are starting to drive you away from one another, use these techniques to get things back on track and save the love that once united you.
1. Practice honesty
Being open and honest about our feelings is hard, especially when those feelings are uncomfortable or negative in nature. It’s hard for people to just come out and say what they think, but it’s a necessary part of any healthy relationship.
Honestly allows us to connect on a deep and meaningful level, and it allows us to cultivate the trust that is needed to foster a sense of safety. Be frank with what you want to say, but don’t be brutal. Honesty only works when it’s delivered with compassion and respect. Don’t trample the feelings of other people — no matter how you’re feeling.
Expressing ourselves indirectly or burying our hurts deep below the surface are not constructive and only give our partners an unclear idea of how to respond. If your spouse or other-half has heart you or upset you, tell them so, and tell them exactly how it’s made you feel in no uncertain terms.
2. Drop the blame game
It’s one thing to tell our partner how we feel, it’s another to dive into an all-out blame festival. Learn how to discuss your disagreements without blaming one another.
Making statements that directly assault your partner’s character are damaging to a relationship and counter-productive to finding solutions. Let them know, instead, how their behaviors made you feel and focus on descriptions rather than the specific behaviors your partner engaged in.
Understand that neither of you is perfect and that compassion and compromise are key. Be honest about how you’re feeling, but try to see things from their perspective as well. For the most part, we’re all doing the best that we can, and our intentions are good, if not selfish and a bit misdirected.
3. Consider a different perspective
When it comes to resolving disagreements, you can’t just listen to your partner, you have to really try and understand where they’re coming from.
Research has actually shown that taking a more objective perspective is helpful when it comes to resolving romantic disagreements. In one study, researchers staged a simple marital quality intervention and asked partners to write about a specific disagreement they had with their partners.
In this description, they were asked to take the perspective of a neutral third party as they described the event. The couples that engaged in this writing exercise three times a year were shown to maintain more stable levels of marital satisfaction than those who did not.¹
4. Listen mindfully
There’s nothing more frustrating than feeling as though your partner is not listening to you. If you find yourself in the middle of a disagreement with a partner, don’t check out; listen to them mindfully, openly and willingly.
Show your partner that you’re paying attention by using active listening techniques. When they speak, paraphrase what they’ve said back to them and offer up solutions or observations when they invite you to do so.
You can also do a perception check by making sure that you’re getting everything they’re saying correct. Ask them questions that clarify the points they’re making and make sure that you understand the array of emotions they might be showing. These strategies not only help you prevent misunderstandings — they show the other person that you actually care.
5. Firm up boundaries
Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and that respect starts with limitations and boundaries. Our boundaries are a direct show of our self-worth, and setting them takes resolves and courage.
Take some time with yourself and getting to know what you need and don’t need both internally and externally. Communicate those needs to your partner and make it clear where you stand on the issues that matter.
Avoid conflicts that push you both to the brink by setting your boundaries clearly and early on in the relationship. Make it safe for your partner to set boundaries as well and make sure they’re respected at all times (especially in the heat of an argument or disagreement).
6. Keep it simple and leave room for a response
When you’re getting your issues out on the table, don’t dump your entire purse at once. Instead, put your explanations in the simplest of terms and give your partner a chance to respond. Don’t let things smoulder or force your partner to guess, honesty is the best policy so just get your truth out there in it’s purest and rawest form.
Use words that make it clear how you’re feeling, and don’t hide behind hyperbole or phrases like, “I just thought that…” Be clear and concise with what you’re saying, and don’t leave room for assumptions or guesses. Everyone will be more comfortable once all the issues are out on the table in all their ugly nastiness.
Once you’ve had a chance to share your point of view, make sure you’re leaving the time and space for your partner to respond. Listen to what they have to say and refrain from judging or making defensive comments. Only when both of you have the space and the safety to say what you really need to say will things get better.
7. Leave your contempt at the door
The worst thing you can do in the heat of an argument with your partner is show contempt for them. This happens when we make little remarks that belittle our partner or hit them below the belt. It’s a nasty way to settle things and a sure-fire way to make things worse.
Avoid the sarcasm and name-calling and opt for a more adult confrontation instead. While it might feel good (and you might feel justified) going in for a no-holes-barred, winner-takes-all knockout battle, you’re only causing yourself more headache.
The most important thing is to see your partners hurt and have yours seen in return. That’s not possible if you’re both hiding behind nasty words and a dinged up sense of pride that’s more important than your relationship.
8. Take a break when you need it
Not all conflicts can be solved in one sitting. Sometimes, it’s necessary for us to take a breath and take a step back, taking the time we need to gather our thoughts and compose ourselves.
Give yourself space when you feel the implosion coming on, and don’t overextend and conversation that isn’t going anywhere. It’s always possible to pick up where you left off. Take a break and walk away from a conflict that’s going nowhere and live to resolve another day.
If you and someone you love have found yourselves in a really nasty argument, don’t be afraid to hit pause and come back to things when you’re both more emotionally stable and ready to communicate.
9. Let go of the negativity
When bad behavior is the root of a relationship issue, it can be hard to take the high road, but you have to keep the negativity from taking control if you want to make things last.
Responding to bad behavior with more bad behavior will only compound issues and make them worse. When we respond to spite with spite, we end up with a nasty quagmire that can take down our personal and professional lives with them.
Rather than letting the nastiness ramp up, keep it to a minimum and always try to respond to negativity with positivity. Use phrases like, “Sure, but we did learn…” or “That’s one perspective. Another one is…”
Putting it all together…
Our relationships shift and change over time, and that can often result in the things that brought us together, forcing us apart. While physical attractiveness, similar interests and even personal characteristics can bring us together, they can also cause us to grow apart in a number of surprising ways. If you want to pull back together a relationship that’s gathering space, start stepping up to the plate and taking the initiative to get to the root of your issues so you can get back in touch with a better tomorrow.
Know the signs of a relationship gone wrong and know how to engage yourself and your partner in the most honest, and authentic way. Drop the blame game and get honest about who you are, how you’re feeling and what you need. Set your boundaries and let go of the negativity that’s keeping you both hurt, scared and unable to connect like you used to. You can find that passion again, but it’s going to take time and understanding from you both. Embrace the things that bring you together and embrace the things that pull you apart. Only when we stare bravely into the ugly side can we possibly hope to heal it.
