Attention Shoppers: Shopping Cart Rules Are Now In Effect

Attention Shoppers: This is Brie, the supermarket cop. Aisle 9 is temporarily closed to traffic… because of a 10-cart pileup by the Juicy Juice.

Anyone with information on the perp who caused the pileup, contact me or Fred at the manager’s station. There’s a reward. — A $10 off coupon on chicken pot pies.

FRED: I’ve got this, Brie. By the way, you’re looking hot. Damn! I forgot everyone can hear what we say near the mic.

Attention Shoppers: This is Fred, the store manager. Buy one package of store brand tomatoes and get the second one free. We’ve got great prices on produce. Great looking tomatoes, too!

BRIE: Thanks, Fred. You’re such a flirt.

Attention Shoppers: Please observe the 2 mph speed limit. Anyone caught exceeding the speed limit, will be ticketed and fined $25 at checkout.

FRED: I need the mic, Brie.

Attention Shoppers: Look for savings on fresh prawns and shrimps, locally grown… someplace else.

BRIE: That’s in the circular. Talk about beating a dead… seahorse.

Attention Shoppers: Aisle 9 is still closed to traffic. There’s a cleanup in progress from the apple juice spill that caused the 10-cart pileup. A juice splatter team is currently on the scene.

FRED: Stop hogging the mic! You should be directing traffic in produce. There’s a backup in bananas!—

Attention Shoppers: Yes! We have Chiquita bananas at half price today… if you can find them among the crowd of shoppers.

BRIE: Blah. Blah. Blah. Bananas. Another circular item… You just love hearing yourself talk.

Attention Shoppers: Please don’t text while carting. There’s a rise in shopping cart incidents. Shoppers are sideswiping the elderly and snagging their wigs.

FRED: Get off your ass, Brie, and head over to produce! People are packed in the aisles, bruising the bananas!

Attention Shoppers: There’s a price drop today on all brands of bananas.

BRIE: I’m not the problem! It’s the braindead cashier at Checkout 6. The line is backed up all the way to your bruised bananas.

Attention Shoppers: Avoid the traffic jam at Checkout 6, 7, 8…

FRED: Give me the damn mic! (Wrestles mic from Brie) You think you’re better than me because you used to be a cop. Well, look where you are now because of your DWI.

BRIE: You’re in no position to judge me. Your wife’s been arrested five times for public intoxication.

FRED: At least she’s not a whore like you.

SMACK!

FRED: Ow… You slapped me!

BRIE: You called me a whore! — Because I’m not sleeping with you.

FRED: Why did you dump me?

BRIE: Because you’re married!

FRED: My wife and I are separated.

BRIE: Because she’s in rehab!

Hold on, Fred. I just received a text about the security footage from Aisle 9. This is an interesting development…

Attention Shoppers: We know who caused the 10-cart pileup in Aisle 9.— It was Fred! He’s caught on camera spilling Juicy Juice all over the aisle. — shoppers slipped, carts crashed — it was a real vaudevillian mess. Fred, why did you do it?

FRED: I can’t handle seeing you every day, so I acted out. My shrink would call it a psychotic break.

BRIE: Oh, Fred. I miss you, too.

Attention Shoppers: This is Rita, the acting store manager while Fred’s on medical leave. Shopping cart rules have been temporarily suspended until we replace the supermarket cop, who suddenly quit and left with Fred.

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