Summary

The article emphasizes the importance of active listening in building a strong and respectful relationship.

Abstract

The author reflects on the significance of listening in relationships, drawing from personal experiences and observations. Highlighting the difference between merely hearing and truly listening, the article suggests that active listening not only demonstrates respect and value for one's partner but also enhances understanding and anticipation of needs. The author distinguishes between active and passive listening, noting that while one cannot always actively listen, picking up on subtle cues is crucial. The environment in which communication takes place is also presented as a critical factor affecting the quality of listening and the overall health of the relationship. The article concludes that listening and the resulting actions are fundamental in strengthening the bond between partners.

Opinions

The author believes that listening is a key component of a solid relationship, more effective than following generic self-help advice.
Listening is seen as a way to show respect and build stronger relationships by anticipating and fulfilling a partner's needs before they explicitly ask.
The author suggests that actions speak louder than words; showing love through actions is more impactful than verbal expressions alone.
Listening is categorized into active and passive forms, with the former being too demanding to maintain constantly, yet crucial for understanding a partner's needs.
A supportive environment is deemed essential for good listening, as it fosters mutual respect and open communication.
The author reflects on personal experiences, such as understanding his daughter's need to vent and his wife's non-verbal cues, to illustrate the nuances of listening in relationships.
The author acknowledges that sometimes it's necessary to remain silent and allow a partner to express their frustration, trusting in the foundation of respect and understanding built through listening.

Attention! It Helps Build a Rock Solid Relationship

What I learned between failures and success in love

A component of every solid relationship I have observed is how deeply the couple listens to each other. I can use myself as a prime example.

Read any self-help book, and you’ll find myriad ways to improve or strengthen relationships. I don’t doubt that most or all the steps outlined do help, but I wonder if people get overwhelmed with all the advice.

Will it work for my relationship? What if he’s different? What if that’s what she hates?

Listening

When you listen to someone, you are showing them that you respect and value them. But it goes deeper than that. It not only shows them, but it also builds a stronger relationship because you can do things in anticipation of what they want before they ask for it. I can’t think of any other quality that works this way.

“How did you know?” my wife asked me when I picked up something she needed before she told me she needed it. “You mentioned something the other day about it,” I said. She hadn’t told me what she needed explicitly, but she said something that told me it was important to her.

One game we play involves eating out. She’ll say, “Where do you think I want to go?” I’ll name a place, seemingly picking it out of thin air. “How can you know,” she says with surprise, as I’m right almost all the time. “I just think of what you’ve been talking about, what I think you’re in the mood for and choose which place we’ve been to that matches that thought.”

Talking

You can talk until you’re out of breath; you can tell them you love them twenty times a day. Your partner might even like to hear it. But at some point, you have to put it into action. As my first wife said, “Don’t tell me, show me.” So it’s not only writing advice!

Of course, you need to talk sometimes to communicate, but if you haven’t been listening, chances are you’ll say something that will upset them. It may not be intentional, but as I’ve learned from my second wife, if I think of saying something based on the cost of an item or activity, I’d best think about it and keep my mouth shut.

Types of Listening

I believe listening falls into two categories, active and passive. You can’t actively listen all the time; it is too demanding. The key is to pick up on the subtle clues your partner drops and understand what those mean.

My new wife remarked one day at how I listened to my daughter.

“She comes home and immediately launches into a long-winded, one-sided conversation with you while you’re working on the computer. Your back is to her, but this doesn’t stop her from talking. Every once in a while, you’ll turn and acknowledge her and then go back to ignoring her. How come?”

“I’m not ignoring her, but I know that part of the reason she’s talking is to vent energy. So I let her vent. But I’m listening for the times I need to respond, and in those times, I do,” I said.

Environmental Impact

A critical factor in listening is what environment is present. In a friendly, supportive environment, listening is improved. Your partner wants to listen to you because they feel respected. The exchange becomes mutual because it’s encouraged, and the line of communication remains open.

In a critical environment, the line of communication is damaged and sometimes severed. The partner has to weigh everything they want to say because they’re unsure what the response might be. They also expect a negative comeback.

As my first wife said, “You should just look at what needs to be done and do it.” I said, “My problem is, I choose one thing to prioritize, and you choose another. So it seems no matter what I choose to do, it’s not what you want me to do. But you only tell me I’m wrong after I’ve started the work.”

If I find I’m tuning out my wife, I review the environment. What stresses is she under that I’m not aware of or not taking into account? What am I doing that’s hurtful, but she’s not telling me? This helps me quickly resolve an issue when it requires action.

Other times, I’ve learned from her feedback that when she’s very upset with me, it’s best if I remain quiet while she works through it. I can do this because the foundation we’ve built through listening and respect allows us to be who we are, knowing that we focus on what’s best for each other.