Attempting to Understand the Sassy Man Apocalypse

A dive into masculinity, relationships, and homophobia

Merriam-Webster provides three definitions of sassy:

• impudent speech
• vigorous, lively
• distinctly smart and stylish

These definitions don’t quite seem to capture what some people on social media are calling the “Sassy Man Apocalypse.” It was a phrase coined on Twitter in 2022 and has moved over to TikTok.

I’m far from an expert in any of these areas, but as someone who discusses masculinity and gender norms, I decided to do a little research by reading articles, finding videos, asking friends and associates, and yes…even watching a little TikTok.

So, you would think I was able to answer the question after all of that, but not really. There are so many perceptions of what constitutes a “sassy man” and whether we need to worry about an apocalypse.

However, common threads run through the definitions and the concerns.

Too feminine

Sassy men don’t follow the masculine norms set forth for cis, heterosexual men. Some aspect of them is considered more feminine and for some women, too feminine.

This can relate to body language like rolling their eyes, or it can be something as simple as being too excited while they talk.

Taking care of your skin is also too sassy. Lotion is allowed to prevent ashiness, but anything further than that seems to be too far for people complaining about this apocalypse.

One definition of a sassy man I found especially interesting was “too expressive.” It is difficult to define this phrase, but you can probably picture it. The man is a little too excited when he speaks. He is a little too emotional. His passions are on his sleeve and his problems are usually not solved with violence, although they likely love the drama.

Gender war?

The sassy man discourse probably stems from gender wars prevalent online. Despite wanting to date each other, there seems to be this animosity between genders.

“Men ain’t shit.”

“All women are gold diggers.”

One complaint I’ve recently heard is about how men are too soft now. They want to receive the treatment and live the lifestyle usually reserved for women in traditional relationships.

For example, one discussion started because a woman said her boyfriend asked why he always had to text her first. He believed if he didn’t text her, then she never would text him. She said he was right, and she would also be angry if he didn’t text. Like a lot of this discourse, it is a silly little thing, but the discussion did make her more aware of her previously subconscious actions.

Is it wrong for a man to want to feel desired as well?

Women never pay

Another Tiktoker, Trellthetrainer, went viral after sharing a story in which he asked a girl to pick up food before she came to the house. He didn’t spend much thought when it came to spending money on her, so he didn’t think it would be a problem.

She said if he gave her the money, he would get the food. It would put her in her “masculine energy” if she had to pay for it.

Trellthetrainer said the night went as planned and he picked up the food himself, but he did look at her differently after that.

This isn’t the end of the story though. It turns out Trellthetrainer’s videos are all about grooming and enjoying a “softer” lifestyle. It didn’t take long for him to be labeled as sassy.

Is sassy about putting a woman into her masculine energy by failing to perform traditionally masculine duties?

Men are the catch

Simone Biles and Jonathan Owens are the ones who lead me down the sassy man discourse. Simone is the most famous gymnast in the world. Most people who know very little about any type of sport at least recognize her name or face.

Her husband, Jonathan Owens is a football player but not nearly as well known as Simone. In a recent interview, he explains how he didn’t know who Simone was before they met. He also claimed he was “the catch” in the relationship.

I admit, this one rubbed me the wrong way, and I had to ask myself why. A big part of it is because I don’t believe his story. It doesn’t matter though. It is their marriage and their business.

I also have to admit I still have some very old-school biases I haven’t quite broken away from when it comes to relationships. I’m not sure if I even realized it before hearing about this situation, but in my mind, women are always the catch.

This mindset leads to men who want to feel loved being called sassy. This mindset leads to people predicting an apocalypse because some men step outside of traditional gender norms for their own happiness.

The response

“Men need to toughen up.”

“Put your big boy pants on.”

“I need a man who can make me feel secure in my femininity.”

“He asked why can’t men get roses for Valentine’s Day” (With a confused face)

“When my mom asks why she doesn’t have grandkids yet, I’ll show her this video.” (In response to a grooming video.)

I usually hear women say they are looking for a man who shares his emotions and cares for himself. I asked some women in my small bubble what these “sassy” men were doing wrong.

Most of them agreed being true to oneself, being emotionally open, and taking care of body and mind were all important to them and important in a partner.

Many of them knew about the sassy man Tiktok craze before I even asked them about it, and some of them were already fans of “sassy” men on the platform.

Yet, when asked if they would date a sassy man, none could say with certainty. They could say without question they enjoyed their content and would enjoy hanging out with them, but the guarantees stopped there.

The main complaints were attitude and a lack of masculine energy.

Attitude- Some women said a sassy man’s attitude was the main issue. These were described as men who “talk too much” and “think they know everything.” Surprisingly, these traits sound traditionally masculine to me, but one woman added, “A man with a nasty attitude is just as bad as a woman with a nasty attitude.” There is still something “too feminine” about how this “attitude” is presented and perceived.

Energy- Many women do not want to be put into their masculine energy. This is something I heard a lot, and from what I have gathered, it is about fulfilling traditional roles. No one complained about working or financially helping in a household, but they did want to be treated on dates and receive thoughtful gifts. They didn’t want to be responsible for a majority of the bills. They didn’t want to have to take out trash, put air in tires, or wash the car. It isn’t about not being able to do those things, it is about the flow of the energy.

Again, I did my best to navigate the endless pit that is TikTok and I spoke to as many women as I could in my small bubble, but this is still a very small sample size. It is still difficult to pin down one definition of a “sassy man” and why some people consider it an apocalypse. Hopefully, it is obvious everyone desires something different in a partner.

My thoughts on sassy

I attempted to find how the word sassy became almost synonymous with feminine or gay when applied to men, but I didn’t have much luck. I did find several conversations on the topic, and the connotation is there.

This is my biggest issue with sassy. It is being used as an insult to call a man’s masculinity and sexuality into question because he is not following trite masculine expectations.

It is also grabbing the low-hanging fruit of equating gay to bad. When I grew up, gay was used to describe any negative event, situation, or person.

“That’s gay.”

At least some of the more enlightened people understand society enough to be aware they shouldn’t just use that term as an insult now, but it looks like Sassy could become the replacement.

It starts by identifying anything someone dislikes in a man as “sassy.” Already the idea has grown so much that it is difficult to find a definition worthy of covering the scope of what is considered sassy.

In my opinion, people should get off of social media, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. People have their preferences and it is okay. Let people live their lives. They say there is someone from everyone else.

I consider myself to perform most traditionally masculine roles and I enjoy them. I like to pay for dates and hold open doors. I could also call some people calling me sassy. I do a little extra facial care. I have a ton of empathy. I’m very passionate about some of my nonathletic pursuits. Some people will find LG possesses the perfect balance of qualities for them, and some people won’t like it.

The only apocalypse I see is the obsession with groupthink and negativity online. It starts as a pinprick and slowly spreads into mainstream thought.

Like most things, if we focused on what we enjoyed and allowed individuals to live their own lives, (as long as they aren’t hurting anyone) everyone would be a lot happier.