Attack Of The Quiznos

Summary

The article satirically describes a fictional "Fast Food War" with Quiznos at the center, using humor and poetry to depict the absurdity of the conflict.

Abstract

The "Attack Of The Quiznos" piece humorously portrays an escalating fast food competition as a full-fledged war, complete with weapons like mustard and microwaves. It describes the battlefield with rib dips and baguettes, and even alludes to submarine warfare with food-themed projectiles. The author acknowledges the absurdity of the narrative and the declining readership it may be causing, yet remains undeterred, predicting posthumous recognition for their creativity. The article concludes with a tongue-in-cheek news update and a teaser for a continuation in a "Cage Match" feature.

Opinions

The author is aware that the concept of a fast food war might seem ridiculous to most readers.
There is a self-awareness about the potential loss of readership due to the eccentricity of the content.
The author expresses a defiant pride in their work, suggesting that their creative efforts will be appreciated in the future.
The piece takes a playful jab at the possibility of being recognized as a "creative genius" only after death.
The author seems to enjoy the creative process and the unique voice it brings, despite current reader engagement.
There is an expectation that the theme will be revisited, indicating a series or recurring feature related to the "Fast Food War."

“…while somewhere, a classic Italian weeps…”

As the Fast Food War rages on, ever more violent and deadly than before, we hear rumors that mustard, microwaves and other weapons of mass distraction are set to be employed.

Rib dips lined the battlefields wielding baguettes as batons. From submarines, they’d fired torpedoes, tasty bullets, Cuban bombs. An ultimate club was loaded, ready, set to fire on the soft and toasty flatbreads with whom they’d once conspired, while somewhere, a classic Italian weeps…

Seriously, I know most think this absurd and my quickly depleting readership is proving that to be true, but hey, I like doing it anyway. Besides, someday, after I’m dead and gone, some fool who wouldn’t know creativity if it bit him in his quiznos, will declare me a creative genius and the masses will come running to read what is already gone. And that’s the news for today!

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