Attachment Style Issues? Here’s How to Break the Pattern

Summary

The article suggests that attachment style issues in relationships are often symptoms rather than causes, with the underlying problem being an imbalance in mutual excitement and emotional risk-taking.

Abstract

The article critically examines the concept of attachment styles in relationships, positing that the focus on attachment theory may be misplaced. It argues that the majority of the time, simply working on changing one's attachment style will not resolve deep-seated relationship issues. The root cause is identified as an imbalance where one partner is more emotionally invested than the other, a situation that both partners may have unconsciously prioritized based on their desires for either intense feelings or a sense of safety. This imbalance leads to a mismatch of needs where the 'anxious' attacher eventually seeks security, while the 'avoidant' becomes dissatisfied with a lack of emotional depth. The article emphasizes that addressing attachment style may influence future partner selection rather than repairing the current relationship. It suggests that for a secure attachment, both partners must reassess their priorities and choose someone who aligns with their emotional needs and readiness to engage in a relationship at the same level.

Opinions

Attachment Theory is criticized as being mostly irrelevant when it comes to fundamentally changing relationship dynamics.
The "anxious" attacher initially seeks intense emotions but later realizes the need for safety and consistent adoration.
The "avoidant" attacher prioritizes safety and control, often choosing a partner who is more emotionally invested, to avoid vulnerability.
The core issue in relationships with attachment issues is an imbalance where one partner is more into the other, driven by their subconscious priorities.
Working on attachment style may not change the current relationship but could influence the type of partner chosen in the future.
A secure attachment is more likely when both partners have matching levels of emotional investment and readiness to explore deeper feelings.

Attachment Style Issues? Here’s What’s Often Secretly at the Root

(And no, it’s not your childhoods)

Unpopular opinion: Attachment Theory is mostly bull$hit.

Why? Because from what I’ve observed, eight times out of ten working on attachment style isn’t actually going to fundamentally change your relationship. Because what we call “attachment style” is a symptom, not a cause.

Here’s what I often see at the root of relationships with significant attachment issues, and why “working on your attachment style” is often not going to change those issues within that relationship.

However, understanding the root of the pattern can help you change that pattern going forward, and may be able to help you untangle the issues within your relationship if they are smaller ones.

At the Root of the “Anxious” Attacher:

This person wanted to feel big feelings. They got into a relationship to love deeply, to go on the magical adventure of romance, to feel all the butterflies and sparks.

They chose a partner they were deeply excited about — a partner that could make them feel those things. And they stayed with that partner because even through the pain of anxiety (and perhaps sometimes because of the pain of anxiety…), they are often still feeling those things.

At the Root of the “Avoidant:”

This person wanted to feel safe. They wanted to feel confident, powerful, important. In control. Secure. They wanted to feel adored.

They chose a partner that made them feel accepted and loved— a partner they sensed was more excited about them, who could given them the attention and deep comfort they craved without the avoidant having to worry about things getting too emotionally risky for them.

(Ironically, it’s the “avoidant” who was the most anxious about hurt and loss, and that’s why they made the “safe” choice.)

So what’s the problem?

Well, over time, the anxious attacher will realize they don’t just want big flashy feelings, they want safety and reliable adoration too. The avoidant will realize that safety without the getting to explore the adventure of big feelings just feels like a flat trap they got themselves into.

The problem isn’t the “attachment style,” it’s that one person is more into the other, and both people chose that because of their priorities.

Eight times out of ten, working on attachment style isn’t going to change the relationship with the person that you picked: it’s going to change the kind of person that you pick for a relationship.

There are exceptions, of course, but in cases where the attachment issues are significant, both partners may be better served by being in a relationship with someone who actively wants to give and share on the same level that they do.

Attachment Style Issues? Here’s What’s Often Secretly at the Root

At the Root of the “Anxious” Attacher:

At the Root of the “Avoidant:”

So what’s the problem?

Picking a Foundation for Secure Attachment