Atlanta Spa Shooter Adds Another Notch To Batman’s Hate Crime Legacy

Move over, Spiderman. Batman is the real menace to society.

2021 Atlanta Spa shooter admits in a confession report that they carried out the mass shooting simply because they thought Batman would be present.

When asked why they went after Batman, the shooter claims, “Because he caused the coronavirus! He spent way too much time with bats, and caused a global pandemic.”

When told that Batman doesn’t exist, the shooter claims,

“Just because you don’t see it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. I don’t see the coronavirus, but it’s prevalent. Batman is clearly there.”

When asked why the killer thought that Batman would frequent an Asian Massage parlor in Atlanta, the killer responded.

“Because Batman is Chinese! Have you seen where those bats came from?”

The killer refused to admit that their motivations are purely racial and that they have no substantial proof.

“Look, we shooters have been hunting for Batman for years. We don’t know what Batman’s identity is. The media portrays a white billionaire named Bruce Wayne as the identity, but that is false. Bruce Wayne doesn’t exist in Forbe’s richest men in the world. Hell, Bruce Wayne doesn’t even exist in the yellow pages. The liberal media is covering up his true identity.”

The killer then pulled up a Parler message board on their Android phone and listed the following shootings that were all motivated to take down Batman.

• 2012 Aurora shooting — killer believed Batman was visiting the premiere of the conclusion of his 3-part biopic. Killer was motivated to attack a theater.
• 2015 Charleston Church shooting — killer believed that Batman was black, as the killer believed that no white man could be that physically gifted. Killer was motivated to attack an African-American church.
• 2016 Orlando Nightclub shooting — killer believed that Batman was homosexual, as he usually spends many nights with an old white man for company. Killer was motivated to attack a gay nightclub.

When asked why the massive hate for Batman, the killer responded.

“We sons of America are fed up with an orphan taking revenge on American patriots within the shadows. We have a law process to try people for crime out in the open. Taking out these poor souls before law intervention isn’t the American way.”

The killer slammed their fists.

“We get it, your parents died. No need to complain about it and ignore the law. Superman lost a whole planet, and he still saves the world under legal conditions!”

The killer ended their rant by proudly ripping off their zipped, black hoodie to reveal a Superman logo T-shirt.

We later spoke to the Atlanta police, who were shocked that a killer would take innocent lives to hunt down an imaginary character. Captain Jay Baker spoke in a press conference.

“I feel for the killer. I, too, hate it when non-law enforcement civilians do a much better job at enforcing the law than us. Our feelings are hurt, and the killer was honoring us.

“We should be careful about accusing the killer of racial motivations for this silly action. Yesterday was a really bad day for them [the killer] and this is what they [the killer] did.”

The shooter’s lawyers, however, argued that everything the killer said is made up. The lawyers painted the story that the shooter wasn’t a racist/hateful person, but rather a victim of a mental illness. The lawyers argued that the shooter was suffering from porn addiction, and was simply angry that those Asian spas didn’t provide the happy ending massages the killer requested for.

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Thanks for reading! If you want to read more of my work, see my profile’s Table of Contents page.

If you’re a new user on Medium and feel that I’m funny enough to bing all my content in one day, you’ll need a membership fee to get unlimited access. If you want to subscribe for a membership, then please use this link. If you use this link instead of signing up like normal people, then I get paid.

Seriously. Please sign up through my link. I desperately need money to pay off my debts to the Yakuza.