HUMOR
At Horizons Milk, We’re Always Thinking About How We Can Make Life Better for Our Cows
Our cows are happier than you will ever be.
Hey there! Thanks for stopping by our section of the dairy aisle to briefly consider spending $7 for half a gallon of milk!
We can assure you that Horizons milk isn’t just any milk. It also isn’t soy milk, cashew milk, almond milk, pea milk, hemp milk, rice milk, coconut milk, “oat milk” (that one is really a reach), flax milk, or (and you know this day is coming) human milk.
It’s plain ol’ cow milk. The difference is that we treat our cows better than 99% of humans treat each other.
After our cows wake up at a leisurely 10:00 a.m., they’re fed a troughful of organic muesli and then given a hoof massage.
After that, tiny robots are attached to each cow, to gently and thoroughly extract every last ounce of white gold from their bodies while quietly playing Sara Bareilles songs.
Have you ever seen a cow brush? Cow looovvve to be brushed.
Remember when Sue Sieberling used to brush your hair in fifth-grade reading class and how much you loved that? Or when you go to Best Cuts and somebody with more tattoos than a merchant marine washes your hair and massages your scalp for five seconds because “it’s included in the price” and frowns if you say no?
But here at Horizons, we don’t just throw up a cow brush at the end of the barn and call it a day. We assign a college graduate to each and every cow to brush them until they gleam more than Taylor Swift after a three-hour set.
And shade. Don’t even get us started about shade. We hire PhD candidates to stand beside each and every cow with an umbrella while they graze on our pure, organic Grass™.
And did we mention the coats? We give our calves coats to wear while they’re being ripped away from their mothers. We wouldn’t want them to catch a chill while they’re being shipped to the stockyards.
We’d like to take a moment to dispel any rumors that our Ultra Mega Dairy Conglomerate is just another cog in the wheel of Big Ag disguised in hippie-dippy trappings to lure unsuspecting and none-to-bright consumers who are just trying to do the right thing by giving pure, nutritious milk to their children.
Haters gonna hate.
All the other dairies are just jealous of our Michael Kors muck boots and the annual retreat our executives take to Turks and Caicos.
We here at Horizons are going to keep doing what we do best — treating our cows better than many people treat their children and continuing to charge $14 a gallon because our milk does actually taste better and at least you can sleep at night thinking you’re doing something to save the planet and not go to Hell by being nice to cows, even though you’re still eating hamburgers, but at least they had a good time while they were here.