At First, I Said Yes To Him And Regret That Decision

My love story with a narcissist

When it comes to romance, listen to your mind and your heart. In healthy partnerships, the two individuals have been aligned.

Good relationships free your true mind.

They allow you to exhale easily to feel safe and pampered.

To quote one of my dearest friends, a good partnership is an “elevator”. It brings out your best self. You don’t have to bury parts of yourself.

You want a partnership where you can not only fall in love but stay and eventually grow up in love.

My Love Story With A Narcissist

I first met Fred at a music concert, he sounded amazing. He was hilarious and flattering.

He made great romantic gestures such like — he brought me a huge bunch of flowers every time we met, he drew pictures of me, and wrote songs for me. It was incredible!

I have a soft spot for an artist. They are often romantic and fun.

I was going through depression, even though I never told anyone. Fred was always there to cheer me up. Soon my feelings for him began to grow.

I giggled uncontrollably at his jokes. He has this funny way of making big problems seem small and always had a solution to every problem I brought to him about work, at home, or with friends.

I trusted his judgment and never argued when he gave me advice. “Trust me, this is for your own good,” he said.

I felt I had found someone who understood me completely. Who would always be there if I needed him?

It’s being eight months since I’ve been with Fred, he has never cheated on me, not once. That’s why I loved him the most.

But after a while, things in our relationship started to look off.

He kept telling me I was 100% perfect, which sounded great, but I was starting to feel insecure that I was going to do something wrong and trigger his anger.

I wondered if he really was in love with me or if he loved an ideal image of me.

For example, one day we went to a party with people he wanted to impress, and he literally dressed me up.

He forced me to take off my sequence dress and gave me loose jeans and an oversized shirt to wear. I was upset but did it anyway.

My boyfriend is super dramatic when we were with other people too. He always needed everyone’s attention and couldn’t stand it when I talked to other boys or girls.

One night we were in a group of friends and another man was telling a story, so my boyfriend started cartwheels in the street.

Another time, two friends passed by my apartment. We were talking about something girly, so he started putting weird pratfalls on the floor.

He often does sneaky stunts like these, especially when we’re with our friends or when we go on a date in a public place, but I thought it was cute and I often laugh about it.

After a while, my best friend pointed out that he might be a narcissist.

How is this possible? He was just the perfect gentleman that any woman would die to be with.

I didn’t take what my best friend had said for guaranteed, so I did some digging on how to know a narcissist.

Narcissists take everything so personally because beneath their awesome bravado lies a deep self-loathing — they need to be backed up by constant external praise.

Traits of Knowing That He Is A Narcissist

Narcissism exists on a spectrum from a person with a few traits to someone who meets all the criteria for a personality disorder.

Narcissism in itself is a ubiquitous pattern of grandeur (in fantasy or behavior), the need for admiration and lack of empathy, beginning in early adulthood and present in different contexts, as demonstrated by five (or more) of the following:

1) Has great self-esteem (e.g. Exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).

2) Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.

3) Believes that it is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should be associated with, other special or high-status persons (or institutions).

4) Requires inordinate admiration.

5) Has a sense of entitlement (i.e, unreasonable expectations of particularly favorable treatment or automatic adherence to one’s expectations).

6) Is interpersonal exploitation, that is, taking advantage of others to achieve one’s own ends.

7) Lack of empathy: Refuses to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.

8) Often jealous of others or believes that others envy him.

9) Shows arrogant and haughty behavior or attitudes.

The Moment of Truth

Fred has shown at least five of these traits. I had failed to notice them because I had grown to love and trust him so much.

I had always accepted everything he said because I thought he was more experienced than I was in the matter.

My boyfriend likes to show off by putting others down. I remember he picked me up from work one day.

I told him I was promoted as a PR assistant that day. This promotion was unexpected and I was so excited to share it with him. My boyfriend’s countenance changed and he got angry. He quickly changed the subject to that of his achievements.

It is extremely difficult to disagree with a narcissist or solve problems. Besides their inability to see your opinion, they cannot own their stuff.

Their extreme defensiveness hinders their ability to learn, which affects your ability to grow as a couple. Narcissists just aren’t good partners.

I can no longer be in a relationship where my needs are constantly overshadowed, despite my best efforts to convey them.

The Turning Point

After a careful analysis of the possibility of growing up as a couple. I decided to end the relationship.

It’s so hard for the narcissists in your life to really see and understand you for who you are because they are focused on themselves.

Their needs are more important than yours. Talking about how you feel becomes tiring and frustrating because they can’t really appreciate your point of view and you have to sugarcoat everything to not set them off.

He had told me how he endured several heartbreaks, now I finally understand why.

I can no longer be in a relationship where my needs are constantly overshadowed, despite my best efforts to convey them. At some point, I stopped trying to communicate with them because it didn’t seem necessary to me.

After my birthday on January 5th, we had a long conversation and I told him I wanted us to break up. I told him I had to work to regain my self-esteem. That I don’t feel like myself anymore.

He felt like I was betraying him like the others. He cried all night and promised to change. But I have lost all hope that we’ll ever be a happy couple again.

Some narcissists never change and it is a hard truth that I have to accept.

You can keep the fantasy that if you nurture them enough, they will eventually take care of you. Unfortunately, this will be the case more often than not.

In real life, narcissists have to cut down on others to build themselves up. Even if you’re in the face of a new relationship and the charm offensive is blindingly shiny, keep an eye out for clues that not everything is okay.

If he has to criticize others for showing how great he is in comparison, he will likely do the same to you.

Don’t just pay attention to how he treats those around him, but also check out his past relationship story. Is it filled with long-lasting friendships or riddled with relationships — romantic or professional — in which he has inevitably been wronged?

If he readily condemns those he cherished before, chances are the dark light will shine on you too at some point.

Falling in love can throw you off balance, but staying in love will keep you firmly rooted. An absolutely essential ingredient of a good relationship is emotional security.

How To Protect Yourself From A Narcissist

When progress is made, you need to take care of yourself. Provide yourself with a strong support network.

Make sure you have good friends with whom you feel safe enough to share your truth — good friends, a good therapist, a spiritual leader. Don’t filter the story; share it unfiltered. Telling the truth is very liberating.

1) Learn to notice and take care of your needs, perhaps for the first time.

2) Set boundaries clearly, calmly, and firmly. Know where you start and where it ends. Start small. It’s okay not to like the same movies. You don’t have to change your mind to appease him. You can fight to defend yourself. Put on your invisible armor so that if he’s overreacting, you’ll be clear it’s him, not you.

3) Work through your own anger to empathize with the narcissist in your life. He never got what he needed and his self-hatred far outweighs his self-esteem, although it seems to be the opposite. Have tremendous empathy for yourself and compassion for your partner. And know that understanding it doesn’t necessarily mean staying in the relationship.

4) Listen to your intuition, that deep place of knowing. You deserve to be happy, free, and peaceful. You deserve a certain and unconditional love!