At 48, Perimenopause Has Fucked Up My Sex Life

An unsexy but very important topic

I used to be obsessed with sex.

But these days I seem to forget it even exists, let alone desire it or an orgasm.

After I turned 40 I had a bit of an existential crisis. I decided to change my body and then ferociously went out dating after being single (parenting) for years.

Dating turned into just fucking which turned into exploring Tantra which then turned into exploring BDSM.

I was having the time of my life, seriously.

So much so I decided to study sex and completed a Grad Dip in Sexology.

I started blogging about sex then started writing on Medium and eventually succeeded in writing for Sexography.

I pictured myself helping thousands of women explore their right to pleasure.

But here I am at 48 wondering what the hell happened.

Mapping change

Initially I thought my libido had changed because I’ve now settled down somewhat after meeting a fantastic man and getting married for the first time.

Really, this is the longest I’ve been in a healthy functional relationship.

Gold star for me! Thanks therapy.

Of course, in the beginning we fucked like rabbits. He wasn’t into the same things I was, being fairly vanilla, but he was open to things.

Admittedly it wasn’t the same, but the trade-off was a stable, loving, secure relationship. (Better) sex can be learned and intimacy can deepen over time.

I’m good with that.

Then life happened including career burnout, moving houses, raising a teenager, a pandemic, a pregnancy scare, the sudden death of my mother and weight regain.

I attributed my waning interest in sex to all of those things. We sleep in seperate beds too because I’m a sensitive bunny and light sleeper.

So that all makes sense right? We just needed to put in more effort, right?

And isn’t this was happens to everyone? The familiar becomes less sexy as the novelty of a new body fades, and the mundaness of a stable relationship and life kicks in.

But where has my desire gone? Where have I gone?

A confronting reality

Slowly over a few months then a couple of years a slow fear crept in. I started to wonder in horror if maybe I wasn’t attracted to my husband anymore.

Writing out that fear is hard.

Why wasn’t my body responding the same anymore? I still love him and find him deeply attractive.

Maybe, I worried, it’s because I’m used to more intense crazy sex and our sex life is not like that. Sometimes yes, but mostly no.

Is that why I don’t get as wet? Why sex suddenly seems to hurt sometimes?

Maybe it’s because of the weight gain and my discomfort and self-consciousness in my body. That would make sense too.

But then I realised, wait, am I masturbating less also?

Am I thinking about sex and pleasure less too?

What the fuck is going on? I love sex! I love orgasms! Why is my brain and body not caring so much anymore?

It felt like a part of me — a MAJOR part of me — was fading away. Part of how I saw myself and my (sexual) identity was changing. Without me knowing why or what to do.

It’s like a button in me has just switched off.

It’s been very confronting. I’ve felt like a fraud and a traitor given how much I advocated for pleasure for women, and who my husband thought I was.

Suddenly I was shutting up shop without meaning to.

I felt guilty and ashamed and so so confused.

I stopped writing about sex; stopped writing on Medium. My passion waned, my fears and embarrassment grew and my inspiration was gone.

But why??

Until it dawned on me: Fucking hormones.

This shit is real

Could I be….going into perimenopause?

I’m in my 40s, isn’t that when things start happened?

The dry vagina (fun, fun!), the waning libido, the insane busting-for-the-loo feeling, the crankiness, the anxiety. I noticed too, that I seemed to stop caring. Part of me was deeply alarmed and missed sex, but another part just didn’t care [side note: This is due to falling oestrogen levels. It’s a real thing that we stop giving a shit].

Whoa.

Honestly, I had no clue. Like millions of women and men (including doctors) I was pretty ignorant of this stage of life.

I’d heard the word perimenopause and only vaguely knew what it meant. I was more familiar with menopause and if I’m honest, I’d picture ‘older’ women well in their 50s and 60s with short hair, sensible slacks and a dullness about them when I think of menopause.

How stupid am I. Or rather, uneducated about this stage of (my) life.

What I now know is the perimenopause is the ‘time around’ menopause. What I also now know is that menopause (naturally ocurring, not surgically induced that is) can occur between the ages of 45 to 55, with the average being 51. Menopause is actually one single day: the day it’s been 12 months since your last period. After that you’re post-menopausal.

So if menopause can be between 45 and 55, that means perimenopause — which can begine up to 10 years earlier — can technically begin from age 35.

That’s right, the ‘hormonal chaos’ of waxing and waning oestrogen and progesterone can begin in one’s mid-30s.

Holy shit.

More fun stuff about being female, oh yay.

Get educated or get miserable

Once I started wondering about hormonal shifts I started doing some research. I couldn’t believe what I didn’t know.

It turns out that we have oestrogen receptors all over our body. Target tissues for oestrogen are not just the uterus/ovaries/vagina/cervix and breasts, but brain, heart, blood vessels, liver and bones. So this means that literally every part of your female body will be impacted by falling hormones, whether you notice it or not.

I finally started talking to my husband about my suspicions. I was alarmed and told him that we need to be prepared for the possible tsuami of experiences that lay ahead for both of us.

I emphasis both of ‘us’ because we’re both being hijacked by my hormonal shifts. It’s extremely important to remember that, for any other person who loves a woman in their life: Managing (ageing) bodies is a team effort.

Bless this man I married because he heard me: He found a podcast and listened to all the episodes. Then it was him educating me about perimenopause! Sure, he may have also done that because he was just as worried about our sex life as I was, but who cares.

We’re important to each other so we do what we need to do for the relationship, including our sex life.

I won’t lie, things still aren’t great in the bedroom. But they’re less bad. At least now we know what’s going on.

I/we may be powerless to an extent to my hormones but there are many many things we can do to ‘manage’ my body and brain changes and still keep fucking.

In fact, this has the potential to bring us closer as we navigate an inevitable stress in and on our relationship.

Pretty cool really.

On the flipside of all these changes, I’m REALLY looking forward to not having to worry about falling pregnant. About the freedom menopause brings for many women, now no longer bound by their hormones and biology.

Perimenopause is the start of a long journey. A transition, and some would say an initiation into an even better part of life.

Bring it. I’m ready. We’re ready.

Thank you my beautiful body.