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Abstract

ir assigned tasks, then you should be writing this article instead of me because I frankly don’t know how you do it.</p><h2 id="97f7">Making kids do chores is a huge chore</h2><p id="4473">Again, let’s be honest. Most of the jobs you can delegate to your children are ones you could do much more quickly, efficiently, reliably, and easily yourself. It can take far more energy to get a nine-year-old to load the dishwasher than to just get ‘er done while he’s doing his homework. <i>If</i> he’s doing his homework, which he probably isn’t. But it’s been another long hard day, and at least whatever he’s doing is quiet.</p><p id="5a31">I get it, I really do. And right now, when you’re stretched to your last nerve, may feel like the very worst time to institute a family division of labor program. I don’t suggest it will be a breeze. But I do maintain that it’s important — now more than ever.</p><p id="3200">When I was a classroom teacher, I used to poll my middle-school students to find out which of them had regular chores at home. It didn’t take me long to be able to predict which kids did and which did not. My method was hardly scientific, but the correlation was staringly obvious. The kids who had jobs at home — beyond their studies and sports and basic self-maintenance — were the ones who projected a sense of assuredness and a roll-with-the-punches ability to bounce back from setbacks. They were the ones who could accept correction without wilting or seeing it as a reflection of their worth.</p><p id="c9ca">They didn’t love doing their chores. They kvetched about them loudly. Given a chance, they’d compete with one another, boasting about who had the most onerous tasks. But they did so with a certain swagger. The tasks they did at home — laundry, animal care, cleaning, food prep, yard work — might not be fun, but they knew they were capable of doing them. Failing a test or choking at the spelling bee or flubbing a play in the game was easier for these kids to withstand. Their sense of competence shored up their resilience.</p><h2 id="d04d">What you don’t want is for your kids to be unhappy</h2><p id="0b7e">I’m not referring to the moments of sadness, frustration, or disappointment that are part of everyone’s life. I mean chronically dissatisfied, discontented, and lacking a reservoir of personal resources to regulate one’s own mood. That was what I saw much more often in the kids who had no jobs at home, no contribution to make to the family other than keeping their grades up and staying out of trouble — which seemed harder for them than for the kids who were given a role in the family’s day-to-day wellbeing.</p><p id="e640">If you’re just instituting a system of regular

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chores with your kids, expect resistance, probably of the passive variety. They’ll most likely go along with your earnest discussion of what an opportunity this is for them to step up. But when it comes time to do the task — not the first time, maybe, but the second and fifth and twentieth time — they will reveal their ingenuity in the art of foot-dragging.</p><p id="4605">This is when the temptation to give up and do the damn job yourself (muttering threats about grounding or withheld privileges as you do so) can become overwhelming.</p><p id="7e3d">Don’t do it. Not the threatening, and not the job. This is why it’s important to assign chores strategically, so that their lack of completion is the kid’s problem and not yours. If they missed their assigned laundry day (assuming they’re old enough for this job), then they get to wear their grubby underwear. The dog won’t die if they neglect to feed it for a day, but its sad eyes will do much more to motivate them than any nagging from you. If packing their own lunch is their job, and they blow it off, the logical consequence is obvious.</p><p id="0f54">I know, I know. SO much easier said than done. Just like almost everything else connected with raising children to be responsible, competent people.</p><h2 id="5206">Now more than ever, it’s vital for kids to have a sense of agency</h2><p id="05c3">The thing that drives all of us nuts about the pandemic is our lack of control over it. Having our lives upended and constrained by a malevolent, invisible force is scary, dispiriting, and can easily lead to a sense of helplessness. If that’s true for adults, it’s even more so for kids.</p><p id="36a1">Teaching your kids how to do tasks that genuinely help keep the home running takes time and effort. Keeping them accountable for completing those tasks takes organization and resolve. But it’s one of the best defenses against discouragement and helplessness you can provide for them. In my years in education, I’ve seen too many kids who are treated like pets, until they become obnoxious and then get treated like pariahs.</p><p id="9720">Whether or not you pay your kids in money for the work they do at home is a whole other topic. There are strong opinions on all sides of the issue, again just like everything having to do with parenting. I’m staying out of it, trusting that you know what works best for your kids.</p><p id="6d1e">As long as your kids have real work to do at home. If one day you find yourself sitting on the porch, taking your ease while your progeny rake the leaves or pull the weeds, and you experience a niggle of guilt, squash it immediately. You’re doing them a favor. And it’s about damn time.</p></article></body>

Ask Not If Your Kids Are Happy

Ask if they’re useful

Of course, we want our kids to be happy

If for no other reason than they’re a lot easier to be around when they’re happy. When our kids are joyful, they’re adorable again. We feel good about ourselves as parents. We remember why we wanted children in the first place.

But be honest: if you have more than one child at home under the age of 18 (or possibly 32), how many times in any given day are all of your spawn happy at the same time? And no, being zonked out in front of a screen doesn’t count.

That’s what I thought. Don’t beat yourself up. After all, how much of the day do you spend in a state of bliss? Especially nowadays, amidst the endless, scary slog of the pandemic. Your kids haven’t been to “real” school in months, or if they have, it’s only for half a day. They’re in each other’s hair, and your hair, and probably their own hair. If your home isn’t an all-out war zone, consider it a win.

Making them happy can’t be your goal

Once they’re past infancy, the stage wherein a full tummy, a dry bottom, and something shiny to play with equals contentment, your kids’ happiness is theirs to pursue. Your job is to provide conditions in which their successful growth is likely. Kids don’t need you to make them happy: they need you to guide them toward mastery. Sometimes they need you to push them.

Enter chores. It’s one of those topics that evokes either self-righteousness or guilt in parents (what child-rearing topic doesn’t?). The slightest brush with any parenting manual or magazine is enough to deluge you with reasons why having chores to do is good for kids. You don’t need me to harangue you about what you already know.

Maybe you’ve got this covered. Maybe your kitchen features a clearly laid-out jobs chart, color-coded on a whiteboard, featuring stickers or cheery magnets. If you’ve got the energy and bandwidth to not only engineer this but maintain it while you’re simultaneously holding down a job and semi-homeschooling your brood, then hats off to you. And if your kids are consistently and willingly doing their assigned tasks, then you should be writing this article instead of me because I frankly don’t know how you do it.

Making kids do chores is a huge chore

Again, let’s be honest. Most of the jobs you can delegate to your children are ones you could do much more quickly, efficiently, reliably, and easily yourself. It can take far more energy to get a nine-year-old to load the dishwasher than to just get ‘er done while he’s doing his homework. If he’s doing his homework, which he probably isn’t. But it’s been another long hard day, and at least whatever he’s doing is quiet.

I get it, I really do. And right now, when you’re stretched to your last nerve, may feel like the very worst time to institute a family division of labor program. I don’t suggest it will be a breeze. But I do maintain that it’s important — now more than ever.

When I was a classroom teacher, I used to poll my middle-school students to find out which of them had regular chores at home. It didn’t take me long to be able to predict which kids did and which did not. My method was hardly scientific, but the correlation was staringly obvious. The kids who had jobs at home — beyond their studies and sports and basic self-maintenance — were the ones who projected a sense of assuredness and a roll-with-the-punches ability to bounce back from setbacks. They were the ones who could accept correction without wilting or seeing it as a reflection of their worth.

They didn’t love doing their chores. They kvetched about them loudly. Given a chance, they’d compete with one another, boasting about who had the most onerous tasks. But they did so with a certain swagger. The tasks they did at home — laundry, animal care, cleaning, food prep, yard work — might not be fun, but they knew they were capable of doing them. Failing a test or choking at the spelling bee or flubbing a play in the game was easier for these kids to withstand. Their sense of competence shored up their resilience.

What you don’t want is for your kids to be unhappy

I’m not referring to the moments of sadness, frustration, or disappointment that are part of everyone’s life. I mean chronically dissatisfied, discontented, and lacking a reservoir of personal resources to regulate one’s own mood. That was what I saw much more often in the kids who had no jobs at home, no contribution to make to the family other than keeping their grades up and staying out of trouble — which seemed harder for them than for the kids who were given a role in the family’s day-to-day wellbeing.

If you’re just instituting a system of regular chores with your kids, expect resistance, probably of the passive variety. They’ll most likely go along with your earnest discussion of what an opportunity this is for them to step up. But when it comes time to do the task — not the first time, maybe, but the second and fifth and twentieth time — they will reveal their ingenuity in the art of foot-dragging.

This is when the temptation to give up and do the damn job yourself (muttering threats about grounding or withheld privileges as you do so) can become overwhelming.

Don’t do it. Not the threatening, and not the job. This is why it’s important to assign chores strategically, so that their lack of completion is the kid’s problem and not yours. If they missed their assigned laundry day (assuming they’re old enough for this job), then they get to wear their grubby underwear. The dog won’t die if they neglect to feed it for a day, but its sad eyes will do much more to motivate them than any nagging from you. If packing their own lunch is their job, and they blow it off, the logical consequence is obvious.

I know, I know. SO much easier said than done. Just like almost everything else connected with raising children to be responsible, competent people.

Now more than ever, it’s vital for kids to have a sense of agency

The thing that drives all of us nuts about the pandemic is our lack of control over it. Having our lives upended and constrained by a malevolent, invisible force is scary, dispiriting, and can easily lead to a sense of helplessness. If that’s true for adults, it’s even more so for kids.

Teaching your kids how to do tasks that genuinely help keep the home running takes time and effort. Keeping them accountable for completing those tasks takes organization and resolve. But it’s one of the best defenses against discouragement and helplessness you can provide for them. In my years in education, I’ve seen too many kids who are treated like pets, until they become obnoxious and then get treated like pariahs.

Whether or not you pay your kids in money for the work they do at home is a whole other topic. There are strong opinions on all sides of the issue, again just like everything having to do with parenting. I’m staying out of it, trusting that you know what works best for your kids.

As long as your kids have real work to do at home. If one day you find yourself sitting on the porch, taking your ease while your progeny rake the leaves or pull the weeds, and you experience a niggle of guilt, squash it immediately. You’re doing them a favor. And it’s about damn time.