Self-helpless

Ask Granny Mary: Why Are Assholes?

You need a reason? I got a reason

Send Granny Mary your questions in the comments here or email to askgrannymary [at] gmail.com. Let’s look at the mailbox!

Dear Granny Mary: Can you tell me please why drivers are such unmitigated a-holes? When they aren’t trying to kill me they’re pulling along side me & my bicycle in their big Trumpy pick-ups to chew me out for the crime of existing. Signed, The Only Nice Person on the Road

A difficult and timely question, Person! Having knocked a few bikes into the ditch myself, I can certainly feel the pain of everyone but you. You ask why they’re such assholes as drivers. Possibly they are assholes all the time? Not only when they drive. You say they “chew you out” for the crime of existing. Well, you DO exist, so they’re not wrong.

You seem fragile, Person. You can’t even type the word “assholes.” Let’s start with the basics and look at the phenomenon of assholes through ontological and epistemological lenses.

Ask yourself these questions:

• Is a human an asshole only because they do assholery?
• Is a human inherently an asshole, regardless of their behavior?
• If the potential for a human to do assholery in the future exists, is that human destined to become an asshole, are they a pre-existing asshole waiting to be revealed, or are they making a free choice to change into an asshole?

The high-water mark of writing about assholery is, of course, Kant, with his Asshole Imperative. This states that a person can be called an asshole only if any person behaving in that way would also be called an asshole. It’s not nearly as obvious as it seems.

For example, if a person asked to borrow money from you, which they would pay back on Tuesday, in order to buy a hamburger specifically to eat this afternoon. And they did NOT pay you back on Tuesday. And they asked you again, on a day other than Tuesday, for money to buy a burger for today, which they promised to pay back next Tuesday — you might conclude this person is an asshole.

“Oh, no!” I would reply, “What about J. Wellington Wimpy? Here’s a man who famously rose from humble beginnings to world stardom by doing exactly that thing: borrowing money, promising to pay it back Tuesday, in order to eat a burger today. As of this writing, he is a beloved seafaring icon! And he still owes me money!”

His cousins— Otis O. Otis, Meldew J. Wimpy, and Francis — were given the exact opportunities as J. Wellington, but achieved none of the success. They were unwilling to borrow money today, promise to happily pay it back Tuesday, for a burger to eat today. Their careers suffered for pride.

J. Wellington Wimpy was not an asshole. He was a visionary character actor.

As I implied above, I knew J. Wellington Wimpy. Not well, but we dated a few times. I was working at Thimble Theater, trying to get my break. It turned out that not being animated was a genuine barrier. But J. Wellington saw something in me and kept me in the chorus. At least, he did until I saw him making time with Alice the Goon.

Alice and I had also dated, but her family of Goons wanted nothing to do with me. When they threatened to cut off her allowance she turned on me with vitriol so sharp it would remove a butt from a Brazilian.

When I saw Alice and J. Wellington sucking face, I knew they were exchanging both gossip and spit. I stole a hundred dollars from Alice’s satchel and quit the theater.

So, who’s the asshole, now?

I don’t know. You don’t know. It’s an epistemological state of being called Who the fuck knows? That’s my answer to your question, Person.

Who the fuck knows?

If you are unsatisfied, I invite you to approach this same question metaphysically or religiously. You seem like the kind of person who would take to the shallow illusions of theology to give your life meaning.

Metaphysics is the study of that for which there is no evidence. The metaphysical answer to your question, instead of who the fuck knows, would be Whatever! Not whatever in the sense of shrug and indifference, but whatever in the sense of it could be anything! If there’s no evidence, then it’s a viable metaphysical response.

Different religions have different approaches, of course. John Calvin said there were only 140,000 or so assholes born in all of time, but we have no way of knowing who they are. Therefore, we should treat everyone as an asshole.

Which might be what those drivers were doing. They weren’t being assholes, necessarily, just observant Calvinists. It’s as plausible as any other answer.

Send Granny Mary your questions in the comments here or email to askgrannymary at gmail.com.