As The Author Of The Viral Tweet “bread sux,” I’d Make A Great Addition To Your Ivy League Institution

I am so proud of myself for all those nights I didn’t text my girlfriend back.

I was just a typical eleventh grader, but then I woke up and saw 1,000 notifications on my humble yet hilarious Twitter. Celebrities like Felicity Huffman, JK Rowling, and Lil Wayne had retweeted something that came out of my own brain.

Let me set the scene: It’s 8:30 am, and I wake up covered in Cheez Doodles, surrounded by my chem hw I forgot to do lol. (We all got those days, right??) I literally had no clue that the observation I made the night before while slightly high that “bread sux” was going to set the internet aflame like a flambé (which I’ve actually made once, when I took a French cooking class last summer at Disney World).

I don’t know how the tweet came to me — it may have been when my mother was like, “Brendan, eat this bread! You’re a growing boy! You’ve got to eat,” and I like threw the bread to the ground and was like: “bread sux.”

Before my profound yet hilarious tweet went viral, I spent my free time tweeting every thought that came to my head and barely got a retweet! Even with such gems as “I like omelets” and “ponies are weird, yo?” — nothing. One day I couldn’t even go to school because I was so upset that other people didn’t think ponies were weird. But then I read the books of great authors like Hemingway and James Franco (his poems move me), which gave me the courage to keep tweeting because I knew my voice as a young, white dude mattered a lot. I am so proud of myself for all those nights I didn’t text my girlfriend back/didn’t do my hw in hopes of crafting the perfect viral tweet.

Now when I imagine myself at college, I can only see myself at an Ivy League institution, a place where authors, dreamers, and (hopefully) bread haters can come together to change the world. Now, I know my grades are mostly Cs, but at the same time, I recently became verified on Twitter: aka, I matter. I’m not some generic kid who like, “speaks Italian” or “hugs underprivileged randos,” I am a part of the cultural conversation and on my way to worldwide stardom. Now people actually care about my opinions, and when I go to your fine Ivy institution, I could do tweets to make people think your institution is cool also and not like a fussy out-of-touch school.

My life has changed a lot since that tweet — people in the hallway yell “bread sux” at me, and the school lunch lady even shows me different types of bread in between classes to see if I could help her pick a type that sucks less so my classmates can enjoy a hearty sandwich that doesn’t suck too much. I also had the drama club reach out to me to do a tweet that says, “drama doesn’t suck,” which I of course did, even though I kinda think it does suck. Also, Felicity Huffman tweeted at me: “The bread I had in jail was not nourishing at all so thanks so much Brendan for making me feel seen!”

Most recently, a gluten-free bread company reached out and asked if I could be their spokesperson for a new kind of bread, and they’d pen an original song for me to sing called “Bread Sux except for Roppins Bread.”

I’m no longer just a junior in high school with a 7.5 girlfriend with bangs: I now am an author of a viral tweet. I’m actually even thinking of doing a follow-up tweet and increasing my body of work — I was thinking something like, “bread really sux” or “ketchup sux,” cause those squeezy bottles annoy me so much! If you have thoughts, feel free to DM me at @brendan_authorofviraltweet.

If I am accepted to your Ivy league institution, I promise to spread my passion for how bread sux. I legit have been watching Legally Blonde on repeat, ‘cause if that dumb hot chick can get in, I know I def can too.

Thanks so much for your time, and I promise I don’t think your Ivy League institution “sux”! ;)

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