As Mayor of the City of Corona, California, I Have This to Say

We need some rebranding, pronto!

Yes, I was always so proud to be mayor of Corona, until now. Did you know that in Spanish the word corona means “early prototype Toyota sedan that was never brought to market?”

I know, right? Who could be prouder?

But now we are really going to have to rethink this name. It is with a heavy heart that I make this announcement, and you will notice it is with a Dos Equis beer in my hand, not a Corona. Because Corona fucking sucks in every way.

No, we don’t want a name for our city that fucking sucks! That’s why I am sending out this request for bids from naming companies.

Yes, there are naming companies. Literally, corporations with employees who sit around all day thinking of good names for things.

I have made a few calls, and I have heard some good suggestions for the new name of our city. But none has really nailed it.

So far, these are my favorites:

1. Awesome, California

I mean, c’mon. It’s…well, pretty awesome, I have to admit. My only concern is that what about on these days you don’t feel particularly awesome? I mean, we all have days like that, let’s face it. So you wake up, feel like shit, hung over since you downed a 12 pack of Corona, I mean Dos Equis last night, and no, it’s not awesome. Then you remember, you live in Awesome, California. You know what I’d do? I’d move to another city. I’d move to “Feel Like Shit, California.”

But it is definitely a good try.

(Pardon me, I need to make a brief interruption. We’ll get back to this list in a minute, but one thing has just occurred to me, and I want to bring it up. Our City of Corona is located in Riverside County, we all know that, right? Well, it has just dawned on me — where is this supposed river? I have driven all around the county and all I’ve seen is a bunch of dust. What happened? Did the river dry up? Then we need to rebrand the county name, too. Maybe this should be City of Awesome in the County of Dust (or Unbearable Heat, how’s that?). Oh, and by the way, here’s another thing. Some people refer to this area as the Inland Empire. OK, inland, I admit, we are. But an empire? I mean, hello. Hadrian, where are you? Alexander? Genghis Kahn? Queen Victoria? These are people with empires. And none of them are in our vicinity. OK, thank you. Now back to our list).

2. Meth City, California

I know, that is a bit risky. But it’s honest. Did you know that our area has a significantly higher incidence of child abuse, domestic abuse, and meth abuse? Yes, we do. And we have a lot of trailers, too. Not that there’s anything wrong with a trailer. My mother-in-law lives in a trailer park on Magnolia. It’s not bad.

3. Nixon ADJ, California

That’s pretty good. You know the late great President Richard Nixon was born and raised in neighboring Yorba Linda. We oughta cash in on that. Sure, they already got the Nixon library. But maybe we could get like the Nixon Outhouse? “ Welcome to Nixon ADJ, California. Nixon pooped here!”

4. Fender, California

That’s right, you probably didn’t know we were the birthplace of the iconic guitar maker, Fender. There is a visitor’s center and a museum and so on. We also are the city of the iconic Glen Ivy Hot Springs. You want a mud bath? We could be the City of Mud. Why not?

See, we need to think outside the box, people. So go ahead and put your thinking caps on. And submit your bids if you think your naming company is the right one for our city to hire to do this search.

But don’t take your time. We need to move on this now. We have to flatten the curve on the negative associations to this pandemic.

Corona was a great name, while it lasted. But now it’s time to move on.

Thank you,

Your mayor,

Seabass McFrankenstein