As I Reflect On Drug Addiction

No matter how clean I get, how much I recover, how often I work a program, or how long I remain sober, addiction, (generally speaking) is something that is alongside of me, and within me, each and every day. Even as I now live my life sober.

Not a day goes by, where I don’t put thoughts into my life and how it relates to addiction; specifically, my own trial and tribulations that I once experienced because of my past addiction to heroin. I recently realized that it seems sometimes difficult to decipher just how conscious, or subconscious that thinking really is.

Reflecting on that sparked a bit of interest, and perhaps even some fascination, on the whole idea that the subject is such a powerful one, that no matter how far away I get from it, it always remains extremely close to me.

The strength and resilience of addiction has an empowerment over the life and mind of human beings much more than so many other struggles and journeys that our lives take us on. It certainly has its evidence for proving that the advice of simply stopping drug use, is unrealistic advice. As it has almost nothing to do with willpower.

It’s been proven ten fold, that drug addiction interferes with, and literally changes the science and chemistry of the brain. If that wasn’t the case, then all of us who abused drugs, would simply cease, once negative consequences began to start. Oh what a perfect world that would be. But the reality is much more deep cutting than that. It is actually, the negative consequences that have to get so damn bad, that they become the difference maker as to whether or not we really have it in us to even try getting clean.

Looking back myself, and thinking about all my rock bottoms, I can admit that I’ve had more than my fair share. And they have come from every which angle, like destroyed relationships, failed health issues, legal trouble, all of which contribute to a life of lagging and lost freedom. Freedom of the mind, body, and spirit. Being willing to give away one’s freedom is one of the strongest examples of just how desperate we are, to not go through the painful withdrawals.

It is the fear of that impending desperation, that anxiety of what is soon to come. Those are the overpowering things that frighten us, each morning as we wake up in withdrawal. That is the desperation, which for one unwavering moment, makes all the risks involved seem worth it, seem okay, or just seem to necessary in order to survive. It’s a twisted sort of fight or flight.

As I mentioned earlier, there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t have mindful thoughts about my life of drug addiction. And I’m sure I even have more subconscious thoughts. Sometimes it seems like not even an hour goes by, where I don’t reflect within my heart and mind about how much addiction and mental health has impacted every single component of my life. Everything I do in my life now, is based on, or somehow connected to how addiction has affected my life.

Looking at the big picture, I can bring myself back to a time when I first got sober almost 15 years ago. That was a time where I thought I had it kicked, and I could never had imagined that all these years would go by, in which substance abuse would still remains a very real, and never conquered vice.

When I look back over these past 15 years, I never could have imagined that the year 2020 would come, with addiction still a very real part of my life.

Addiction has been a strange and twisted sort of blessing. Because I have had opportunities to learn things about life, and myself that I would had never had the chance to learn without having to face myself, through trials and tribulations.

The horror of it all has blessed me with an education that no school can offer, and no money can buy. I have been sober for three years now (this time around). And it’s a better lesson now, than ever before. Waking up healthy and content is a gift I now refuse to ever give away.

Michael Patanella, Author, Publisher