Armor Up: To Protect Your Fragile Personality

How we ended up braced for pain and what we can do about it are two questions worth pondering.

The knights in older movies, depicting King Arthur or Robin Hood show brave men wearing a metal clad suit of armor. The possibility of surviving a duel or sword fight increased with the full suit on, whereas, those without ended up mortally wounded. No one went to a sword fight vulnerable. They armored up to keep themselves safe for another day.

When we strive to dominate everything around us, what we hope is to solve the problem inside and to silence the inner turmoil. ~PJN

In today’s world, unless you are fighting one of the many wars across the world, you don’t prepare for the day by putting on metal uniforms. Imagine if you did wear a knight’s outfit, eyebrows would raise as you clanked down Fifth Avenue in New York City!

No one laughs though, when the light shines on the invisible armor we wear to keep our hearts and minds safe from the verbal attacks or the silent treatments, compounded by abuse for all ages of people.

While putting armor on when needed protects us from the uncomfortable or the mean-spirited people; placing the shield on every day, all day takes a toll on relationships.

It Starts In Childhood

When we reveal our vulnerability we create connection. If you look around you when children are playing and laughing, you’ll see genuine vulnerability.

• Children are naturally vulnerable.
• They are curious about life.
• The eyes of a child light up when they are excited.

They talk to strangers in stores while safely near their mommy, and the mom beams with pride over the gregariousness of her child. People tend to smile and laugh around children. Parks have laughing kids and smiling families.

Unfortunately, abuse and dysfunction destroys the innocence and vulnerability of children. The tragedy of interpersonal violence destroys the tender trust and positive spontaneity of children.

The same children, grow up to adulthood, bereft of trust. To survive, children develop an armor around themselves as they mature. Some with strong resiliency factors grow up and continue living a balanced life. Others, who pack on the armor don’t find joy in life and tend to control their external forces.

The same people, who have solid armor on, defend their rights to have armor, resist any offers to help remove it, and demand respect. We see story after story in the news. Lost souls, stealing the lives of others, or drowning their lives in substances without consideration of a life free from pain.

The internal, troubled world of children reflect the external world they experience. As they mature, they protect the external world by controlling who interacts with them, how they interact with them, and when.

And Then We Became Adults

We, who grow up into wounded adults, have not embraced complete healing. We still seek to control our world. We often control externally the people, events, and circumstances surrounding us, because we ultimately cannot control our internal spaces, including feelings and thoughts. When we strive to dominate everything around us, what we hope is to solve the problem inside and to silence the inner turmoil.

Slow and steady, the blockades build up around our hearts. Isolation, once dreaded as children, becomes the custom. People find themselves ever so lonely, scared, and frightened by change.

As we enter relationships, we find our lives not much better than before. Relationship trouble, family issues, loss of career, or separation from our children are the usual signs trouble is brewing from our inability to process.

People do not want to be controlled. Get behind a steering wheel with an open mind. You will share the road with drivers every day. If you keep focused on observation, you’ll see how others use their vehicles as maneuvering control boxes.

Imagine you are a fly in a car. Listen to the chaos inside.

Foul language, attitudes, and riskier driving takes place when we become edgy. The Reason? We protect what we cannot control. Protecting our car space is like protecting our home.

In the book, Why We Snap, Dr. Fields gives some dynamic examples of ways people lose it when they are driving their cars, and the basis for protecting our space. It doesn’t excuse negative behaviors, however it clears up some possibilities, which if noticed, can stop road rage, among other negative perceived situations. To consider our choices in behaviors, we have to understand where they come from, and how they are created. Without knowledge, we face a blank wall. With knowledge, we can move mountains.

“Violence, like all human behavior, is controlled by the brain. From the everyday road rage, to domestic violence, to a suicide bombing, the biology of anger and aggression is the root cause of most violent behavior. Violence can activate some of the same circuits of addiction in individuals, especially males, who seek out violence.” ~Dr. R. Fields

The space around us is also a viable place to control.

How the pillows stack or where we put the decorations are only a couple ways people try to control things. It gets stickier when we begin controlling others in how they dress, what they eat, and drink, or when they have time for themselves. We encroach on their private time, butting in on a project they love because we are not the number one focus.

The Question of Change

How can we let go of the controlling behaviors we held onto our whole lives? We make changes, step by step, and in order of what presents itself first. Awareness speaks quietly to our subconscious mind.

As we listen to the still small voice inside, we can grasp the ideas we need to change. Sometimes we have to listen to other people. They see us, tell us, and remind us of things we need to work on.

We can refuse to let anyone intrude upon our peace, even ourselves. We listen, and then use rational thinking to judge whether some behavior is something we need to adjust or continue. We ultimately choose our actions.

Without knowledge, we face a blank wall. With knowledge, we can move mountains. ~PJN

Life surrounds us by thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. We may dispute thoughts, and feelings and change the way we choose to behave. If we stop long enough to encounter feelings behind the actions our behaviors become more of a secondary response, instead of an impulsive reaction. Often we react instinctively and rarely feel without thinking. Feelings and thinking walk beside each other in our mind.

Which is why so many of us tend to react or behave in irrational ways to control our experience, thereby controlling others. So, if our thoughts create feelings, then our thoughts also create behaviors. The triangle continues in a circular fashion, around and around.

A powerful concept I created for my work with hurting men involved “Catch the Spark” and further turned into a motto for my agency.

Catch the Spark for a Brighter Future was all about stopping the cycle of thought and feeling before the behavior showed up.

It gives you a chance to choose once you remove yourself from a tough situation with enough time to process, breathe, and then engage with a clear-headed mind, rather than one infected with rage, anger, fear, and pain.

We stop the cycle by acknowledging our irrational thoughts which we created over the course of our lives. As you move from the awareness of where our pain originates, to grabbing strength to change personally, you’ll begin to change the world around you. By your example others will follow.

~Just a thought by Pamela