Arguing Like a Jerk: Ten Tactics to Make Your Opponents Crumble

TRIGGER WARNING: This article is “tongue-in-cheek,” sarcastic, and hopefully ROFL.

Please allow me to share ten “secrets” on how to argue like (and with) jerks. These secrets were researched from an article entitled “How to Argue Like an Asshole,” by Beeablo, written on August 9, 2019, and from other sources on the internet.

Alas, there are more than a few active jerks on Medium. They particularly enjoy making malevolent comments on your finely-tuned articles. Well, they enjoy making them for my articles. See the comments on my article about Gender Pronouns at https://readmedium.com/gender-pronouns-8e10b438f8c3 for comical examples.

By following these ten simple instructions, you, too, can quit engaging with jerks if you continue connecting with them.

1. First, attempt to avoid the jerks. They do not deserve your time or energy. Are you attracting the jerk’s comments intentionally? If so, then enjoy interacting with these nefarious individuals to your heart’s content. However, if an argument is unprovoked and unavoidable, this is how to emerge without a scratch. Remember, I do not have to respect your beliefs. I will respect your right to hold those beliefs. However, the beliefs themselves command no inherent respect.

2. You will not win a dispute with a jerk. Nobody wins a dispute with a jerk. The jerk inherently needs to win arguments because it keeps their massive egos intact. However, you can cause the jerk defeat, a good trouncing, and you can rob them of both their amusement and their success, at least for a while. Tell them, “I would agree with you, but then we would both be wrong.” Be aware that you will not convince them that you are right.

3. Do not offer them your side of the particular debate. This is very important. It is counterintuitive because most of us believe in things like science and actual facts. Being 100% sure of your own opinion has nothing to do with the facts. When people are 100% certain of their opinion, they become jerks. When a jerk’s only goal is to win a fight, you waste your time giving them any scientific evidence or actual facts. They will just turn it against you because you will only confuse them with the facts. You can tell them, “It is good that you are not allowing education to get in the way of your ignorance.”

4. Tear down their arguments. You need to harness the prodigious power of your critical nature and use it to your advantage. This is intensely pleasurable because it is exactly what jerks do. At their core, jerks lack the skills to create anything and instead excel at causing massive destruction. These jerkish discussions may become highly emotional, very quickly. This happens especially if you find yourself speechless and the idiot keeps ranting about his bigoted opinions. The jerk is a mastermind at shifting blame and becoming defensive.

5. Make them define the words they use. Then find fault with their definitions. Not every comment deserves a mean comeback, but it is more enjoyable if it does. Remind them that, unless their name is Google, they need to stop acting like they know everything.

6. Flip the script on the jerks by redirecting their questions back to them. If they ask about x, ask them why they believe y. Do not let them dodge your question; make them explain their beliefs.

7. Tell them they are becoming emotional. If possible, list specific emotions. This is upsetting to misogynistic jerks since they get even more emotional and equate it with weakness. Many jerks resort to name-calling, insults, put-downs, and mockery. Develop a thick skin and do not allow them to bully you. Remember, you've probably been called worse by better people.

8. Make jerks explain their demeaning or bigoted jokes. “I do not understand why that is funny. Would you explain?” This is a delightful pastime. The jerk will become more and more dispirited the more you take issue with them about their fundamental and erroneous assumptions.

9. Laugh at the especially jerky stuff. Instead of getting offended by the jerk’s obviously untrue or ridiculous slogans or catchy phrases, try laughing it off. This tactic is useful in face-to-face arguments. If the jerk becomes angry, simply apologize and offer them a chance to express their beliefs: “Sorry, I’ll be quiet now. Please share your thoughts.” This is a powerful move on your part since it shows that you have control of the circumstance and are willing to yield the floor to someone else. Then inquire, “Why is it okay for you to be an idiot, but not for me to point it out”

10. If the person exits the conversation, let them. This could point out that they feel attacked. In such situations, it is best to allow them to leave gracefully, with their tail between their legs. If they storm off, it is also advisable to let them go without trying to stop them.

Congratulations! You have ended the jerk’s jerky argument, and you do not have to deal with it any longer.

And, now for one additional method that I discovered quite by accident:

11. Use a passive-aggressive approach. Someone might seem to agree with a request, even enthusiastically. The passive-aggressive person may show resentment by missing deadlines or being silent. You might also respond to any type of critical comment with a phrase like this: “Thank you for your comments,” or “Cool story, bro.” If the jerk responds, you can counter with, “Oh, I heard you. I just do not care.”

In conclusion, just hand the jerk a shovel and let them dig themselves a hole. Relieve yourself of the burden of convincing them they are wrong and just destroy their entertainment instead.

Whether used consciously or subconsciously, jerks frequently employ these same tactics. You must recognize them to become immune to their attempts to intimidate or belittle you. Once you are aware of these tactics, you can take steps to protect yourself from the jerky comments that jerks may make on your Medium article.

Have you found anything you can use? For everyone’s enjoyment, share your finest comebacks in the comments section!

Thanks for reading.

Amy Potter

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