Summary

The article suggests that constructive arguing can strengthen relationships by bringing unspoken issues to light, allowing couples to communicate and resolve underlying tensions.

Abstract

The author of the article emphasizes the importance of addressing conflicts in relationships rather than avoiding them. They share personal experience about how arguments can lead to healthier communication, using an example of a recent disagreement with their partner that surfaced feelings of neglect and overwork. The article argues that unaddressed resentments can fester and lead to more significant problems if not discussed openly. By engaging in arguments, couples can express their concerns, understand each other better, and ultimately strengthen their bond. The author concludes that arguments should not always be seen as negative but can serve as a "palate cleanser" for relationships, providing an opportunity for reflection and growth.

Opinions

Avoiding arguments can lead to unresolved issues and resentment in a relationship.
Openly discussing problems through arguments is healthier than ignoring them.
Unaddressed feelings will inevitably surface, often at inopportune moments.
Regular arguments (in a healthy context) can prevent the relationship from suffering due to a lack of communication.
Public displays of anger are uncomfortable, especially for those who are very English, but can lead to important realizations.
Arguments can reveal deeper emotional states, such as feeling unseen or bored in a relationship.
Constructive arguing is seen as an opportunity for couples to reset and improve their relationship.
Not all arguments are beneficial; the article discourages "bloody awful" arguments that do not lead to resolution and growth.

Arguing Can Make a Relationship Stronger

Really!

I know a lot of couples who go out of their way to avoid an argument. One of them will go to the shops for a pint of milk and return 7 hours later with glazed eyes and wobbly legs.

One of them will say everything is fine. And then glare at the other whilst silently chopping onions in the kitchen. They’ll both say everything is fine and binge watch Netflix on separate sofas. Or in separate rooms.

An argument means that something is wrong or something hasn’t been discussed. That resentment is brewing or an irritation. The longer you don’t have an argument, the longer those things have to fester. The longer they fester, the worse everything becomes.

Now you’re probably thinking, well yeah, obviously. I know all of this already.

I know all of this…now. I used to be argument averse. Very argument averse. I viewed arguing to be a failure. It meant my relationship wasn’t perfect and there were issues. ISSUES!

My partner is not argument averse, he’d rather hash everything out, get everything on the table so it can be discussed and we can move forward. Yes, he’s a grown-up. I know. I know. And it took me a long time to realise that actually, this was a much healthier approach.

Much better than just ignoring things and hoping they go away.

And as we all know, what’s left unsaid will be said at some point. When you’re at dinner or on a walk near a pond. When your mother is there. When their mother is there.

When you’re trying to book a holiday or deciding whether to get a dog. The resentment will always bleed to the surface and usually at a really inconvenient time.

Bizarrely, I find that my relationship actually suffers when we haven’t argued for a long time. Now, when I say a long time, I do actually mean a long time. Not, 3 and a half days. More, 4 or so months.

Take a few weeks ago for example. My partner and I were on a very lovely walk around Shoreditch. We hadn’t had a date day for a while so off we strolled to take in the sights of London. I had been feeling a little unseen lately and as it turned out, he had been feeling a little all work and no fun.

Neither of these things had been discussed and they’d been going on for quite a while. So they had started to, you guessed it..fester! This festering bubbled to the surface in a very dramatic fashion.

We were jaywalking (I know, gasp, but London so, shrugs). It was ill-timed however and two scooters were heading right for us, their engines screeching in excitement at potentially knocking one of us over.

My partner had stopped me in the middle of the road to avoid one of them. I had screeched almost as loudly as that scooter engine and hurried us across as I saw another scooter coming.

He had mistaken my panic for anger and reacted defensively, saying he was only trying to save my life. I reacted just as defensively and said I was only trying to save his!

Then we continued to bicker as we waddled up the road towards our final destination. Just to point out, I am very English and have an aversion to any kind of public display of anger or irritation. It makes me very uncomfortable and I am overcome with spotlight syndrome each time.

As this bickering became more intense I decided to stop. I’d had enough of this and was going home — it was all very petulant, as these kinds of arguments usually are — as I turned on my boot to stomp off down the street, I realised something.

This wasn’t about almost being run over by a scooter or who had tried to save whose life the most. It was that I had been feeling neglected and unseen and I hadn’t spoken to him about it.

He was trailing ever so slightly behind me and as I turned around, our eyes met and we did that thing. That thing where you look at each other and can’t help but smile because you know you’ve been a big pair of wallies.

I said how I’d been feeling and he said how he’d been feeling. I’d felt unseen, he’d felt bored and we hadn’t been making time for each other, or anything really, apart from work.

The argument that we had brought all of this to the surface. Things that we hadn’t been communicating or even realising was that much of a problem This allowed us to pause, talk things through and reset. And we were so much happier afterwards.

Now, I know some arguments are bloody awful and those are not the ones I am trying to encourage or condone. I am mainly encouraging reading between the lines of an argument or spot of bickering. Is there something that one of you is feeling that you haven’t talked about?

If so, an argument will likely rear its head at some point and it’s about communicating your way out of it. That way it doesn’t become a really massive, awful mess.

Sometimes you don’t even realise how you’ve been feeling has affected things. Then when an argument happens it can give you the reflection time to unearth what it’s really about. You can get everything off your chest, they can get everything off theirs.

Arguments are sometimes an opportunity — so the next time your bickering has reached a new level or you’re shouting at your partner for forgetting to pick up some mangoes. Reflect on how you’re feeling and see what comes up.

This argument could be all you need to discuss what’s really going on, consider it a palate cleanser for your relationship. Or don’t. Your choice!