Are Your Relationship Beliefs Hindering Your Growth?
From singleness to breakup, every stage is an opportunity to grow — it’s your choice when
Whether you like it or not, you have certain beliefs regarding relationships. Some people have healthier beliefs.
If you look back at your parents or primary caregivers, their relationship will give you an approximate view of how you see relationships.
Regardless of your beliefs on intimate relationships, in some way another they limit you to some capacity.
From my observation, these are the 3 beliefs many people share.
1. I need a partner to complete me
A lot of people don’t feel good enough without a partner.
We hide our happiness behind status and achievement. I recall when I didn’t feel good enough without a girlfriend. I always felt judged by society. The reality is that no one cared about my relationship status.
The only person judging me was myself.
If I died the next day, people would soon forget about me.
So why is it that we can be so obsessed with relationship status?
My thinking was:
If a woman doesn’t love me, then how could anyone else around me like me?
We usually take relationships for granted. We use them for our selfish gain rather than as a means of being a positive influence in someone’s life.
Unless you have a desire to improve yourself despite your relationship status, most people fail to grow personally for most of their lives.
In my experience, being with a woman didn’t change anything.
After the euphoria went away, I sought the next new high — not a new relationship or person, but a new distraction. When my ex-fiancé and I lived together, I still felt terrible.
Something was missing in my life.
Yet, I no longer had my typical excuse for feeling sad, angry, or abandoned.
Before you can expect your external circumstances to change, you must change your internal monologue.
Lesson: It’s possible to feel good enough without a partner. As long as you need one, you’ll never have a healthy romantic relationship.
2. Your partner is responsible for changing, not you
A relationship doesn’t just “work itself out”.
Life doesn’t come with a blueprint, and certainly not relationships. It takes work. Every relationship is unique, and it brings an interesting challenge.
The obstacles are greater when both partners act immature.
I was in my last long-term relationship for nearly 5 years.
She left me in the evening one day, and ironically I realized that I had to change that morning before it happened.
Not just for the relationship, but for me. Unfortunately, it was too late for us. I was dumped with all of the grievances she had against me, and the whole time she wanted me to change.
It’s what we call silently suffering.
Adults communicate, and children expect you to do things for them.
You cannot expect or demand someone to change without first changing yourself. Also, since you can’t control someone’s growth, you must set certain appropriate and attainable boundaries about what you are willing to expect from them.
To be fair, I am just as guilty of this as she was. I didn’t set the right expectations from the start. We thought the relationship would be fine on its own without any work.
Just like a car or a home, you cannot neglect the upkeep and hope that these objects will last a long time.
The sooner you set boundaries, the better off you are.
Your partner might not even see that what they are doing is negatively impacting the relationship. They’re called blinders. What we perceive as normal may hurt someone else.
The worry, insecurity, or fear associated with being honest and genuine is the most common thing keeping us from dispelling resentment.
You must ask:
- Why am I tolerating this?
- Who says I have to be okay with this behavior?
If you don’t change first, you take away your power.
A person who has changed will understand that growth is vital to the longevity of the relationship.
Lesson: Change and grow before you expect your partner to do the same, otherwise you’ll appear self-righteous — no one respects that.
3. It’s okay to blame your partner for every problem
All relationships have an expiration date.
Both sides of the relationship act like victims, usually, one person will feel more victimized than the other. Aside from severe physical or emotional abuse, both partners are to blame for the relationship’s ending.
A relationship requires two people to function.
You are one-half of the relationship, and you are responsible for at least half of it.
I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve dated women who speak like they are only victims in their previous relationships. They’re critical of their ex but don’t take responsibility.
- My ex was abusive
- He was a narcissist
- She did this, he did that
I get it.
You’re frustrated and bitter that the person you loved hurt you. As self-absorbed, angry, and cold as some ex-lovers can be, except for disgusting, violent, or criminal behaviors, they aren’t necessarily monsters.
If you can casually throw away a relationship, you certainly did not self-reflect.
It’s fine if you don’t, but without acknowledgment of your fault, nothing will get better. It will come back to hurt you in the long run.
As we grow older, unless we are aware, and we catch it, we become more ingrained in our ways every day.
When we don’t take ownership, we fail to consider the long-term impact that a breakup has on the other person.
We might easily discard people and move on to the next person because we know we can easily pin the blame on the other person and find someone else.
It’s far scarier to admit our faults because it calls into question everything.
Self-reflection is challenging in the short term.
Yet, the long-term impacts are far better than repressing the truth. You’ll grow more than you ever could. When you stop judging, it opens room for compassion, and you’ll notice something:
Feelings don’t just go away because the relationship is now over.
Lesson: We are not victims, everyone is ultimately the cause of their suffering.
If you liked this story and wish to grow personally, consider subscribing to my weekly newsletter.
