Are your employees disrespectful (read: too happy)? Gaslight the problem away in 3 easy steps
We are not here to have fun!
Do your employees giggle and have non-work-related discussions, even when they notice you standing there? It means they have lost respect for you. To fight this problem, I have created this guide on how I asserted my authority by reinstating my employees’ crippling anxiety when I walk into my small dental practice (which, of course, lacks an HR department, a crucial factor). In these 3 easy steps, you, too, can regain control over the workplace culture by creating intimidation and fear.
Step 1. Gain control over the employees’ thoughts and emotions by making them doubt their own perceptions and memory.
1a. Choose the best employee as your target, then criticize them passive aggressively behind their back about stupid shit. I selected my most loyal employee, (we’ll call her Sally), whom I loved yesterday but today I’ve realized she has taken advantage of my kindness by asserting the authority that I gave her. So I began the torture by gossiping to the other employees about her: “She never makes eye contact or says hi anymore!” The employees were visibly shaken by the accusations of their dear friend with whom they bonded closely during the pandemic. But sacrifices must be made.
1b. Instill paranoia and intimidate the employees. I brought another employee, Karen, into a room within earshot of Sally, whispered to her urgently, then slowly closed the door while watching Sally through the narrowing opening. Karen and I then discussed the weather and vacation spots, saying Sally’s name loudly and often. Sally glanced at the office wide-eyed and confused every few minutes, suddenly paranoid.
1c. Accuse the chosen employee of random shit. Then, tell the others. For example, I said to Sally: “Your lunch break is 30 minutes, but last Wednesday it was 32.5 minutes. I don’t care if you were picking up your insulin. It’s not like you need it to survive!” I then vented to the staff about Sally’s betrayal of my trust. My employees’ scared glances to one another made it clear that they wondered how the close relationship between me and Sally could have gone south so fast.
Step 2. Gain control over the employees’ sense of responsibility and work ethic by instilling the belief they are bad employees.
2a. Elaborately detail how the chosen employee is ruining your life, and look for reasons they are “misbehaving”. I frantically told Sally, “You’re treating me so badly, I’m crying with migraines every day.” I decided she “must be stressed at home”, so I asked intrusively about her personal life: “Are your parents getting divorced? Did your boyfriend dump you? Is that why you’re being so mean to me?” I did not allow her to apologize, angrily telling her she knows exactly what she did. The exasperated and confused look on her face told me that she questioned her beliefs and memories about her own behavior, just as I hoped.
2b. Make an example out of the Target to show the others they are fucked. I immediately made her leave the office and go home. When the others questioned this drastic decision over such minor infractions, I fabricated extravagant lies detailing the horrors of Sally’s actions: “She was so angry, she threw pens and staplers at me! She slammed her hands on the desk!” The employees should now be working in complete silence, except for the occasional whispers and asking each other work-related questions loudly so you don’t suspect they’re talking about you.
Step 3: Ensure that your newly gained control remains long-term by turning the employees against each other and destroying their sense of job security.
3a. Create a new reality. Gather the employees in your office as I did, and deny everything. “I did not fire Sally, she needed a relaxing vacation so she would stop the snippety attitude.” In the same meeting, be blatantly suspicious of their loyalty to you. I announced to my employees, “people in this office lie about everything, so I am recording all meetings from now on.”
3b. Turn the employees against each other. I successfully planted seeds of distrust amongst their fellow employees by proclaiming, “I know what you’ve all been saying about me both here and outside of the office,” (even though I had no idea). “Word gets around.”
3c. Imply that any one of them could be next. “The gossip and non-work-related conversations I have heard when you sneak away to whisper will not be tolerated. From now on, every minute away from your desk must have written approval.” I calmly added, “anyone with an attitude will be instantly terminated. If you don’t like my rules, there’s the door.” Study their faces in this moment. The employee who appears to be the most confused and questioning their entire existence will serve as your next target.
If you followed these steps, congratulations! You’ve successfully destroyed the workplace dynamic that your employees loved so much. They now avoid eye contact when you walk into a room, which you will use against them later as evidence of “attitude”. You are the badass again. Although the employees’ productivity will likely decrease and your business will lose money, you can’t put a price on fear. But you should probably go ahead and post a “help wanted” ad.