WARM FUZZIES

Are You There, Erin? It’s Me, Your ‘Gina

My Moistest New Facebook Friend Wasn’t Happy To See Me

Note: This piece is in response to a warm, damp Doctor Funny prompt.

It was an honest mistake.

My friend — a former acquaintance, really —used to be my teammate at MSU. Our relationship is now Facecrack-based. “Krista” was a year ahead of me and quite a bit faster in the pool. I looked up to her. Still do.

Krista has another Facebook friend. Let’s call the mutual friend Erin.

Erin Magina.

Heh heh…mmmhmm…heh heh heh, said the Beavis and Butt-head voices that live in my head. I hadn’t seen such a name since this came in the mail:

Well, when I said the friend was a mutual friend, I lied. And by “lied,” I mean that Ms. Magina is the opposite of a friend.

Magina was sopping mad when we met.

Back to our introduction. My disbelief over this noisy-lions name quickly wore off. This chick is cool, said inner Butt-head. She was admitting that she — dare I say it for fear of getting banned by Medium — engaged in the q-word, from time to time?

Or maybe she was a Bond Girl played by Honor Blackman [external link].

In any case, this lady had an awesomely disgusting Facebook alias. Whoever she was, “Erin” was my people! But by God, someone needed to call this out. This deserved to be brought to everyone’s attention — everyone on the thread. Someone needed to eavesdrop into this Facebook thread between Midwestern moms and bring this hilarity to light.

I had to know — was she cool?

There were many red flags. In retrospect, what the hell was my plan? Was “Air in My ‘gina” to be my moist, new computer friend? Would she be the brass-gonaded amiga I’ve always sought, who broadcasts her vaginal farts to the digital world?

Also, she was posting in a ‘Desi Moms’ Facebook group. A group for moms in their metropolitan U.S. area who happen to be of Indian and/or South Asian descent. I’m not sure why I was even able to see this post. Perhaps the group was public. Perhaps I should have remembered that Krista is married to a man of Indian descent.

Be my hilarious momfriend, please?

As blogger Dooce once said, “be ye not so stupid.”

If you come across someone named Erin Magina on a mutual friend’s Facebook post, do not — I repeat, DO NOT randomly reply:

“Is that your friend’s real name?”

I needn’t have waited for an answer. The post immediately disappeared. As did Krista.

Krista unfriended me!

Hmm, I started to think. Then, something happened with one or more of my kids and I got distracted. My life as a mom of many went on. My husband and I also went on a date that evening, which is a rarity.

Joe and I are sitting at a high bar table outside at a mall cantina when a message request appears.

Per Medium’s terms of use, I am not allowed to post our private correspondence. But it was none other than Ms. Magina. And she was not impressed.

It went something like this.

Erin M.: What the hell is wrong with you? You look like the kind of person who would make fun of someone’s name! B*tch.

Rather than being an adult, rather than apologizing and telling her I am in fact a socially-stunted idiot who doesn’t get out much beyond talking with my own backyard plants, I did the following.

Me: F*ck!

[Block.]

[*Sheepishly look up at my husband and laugh hysterically*]

[*Laugh hysterically*]

[Talk to my husband some more. Tell him the story. He laughs. We move on to other topics.]

[Remember what just happened and laugh incredulously. Hysterically.]

Here is what I should have written to poor Erin.

Ms. Magina. I am so, so sorry. From your profile photo, it appears that you are not of Indian, South Asian, or other Desi descent. I may be wrong about this. I am wrong about many things, apparently!

Based on the reactions to my comment, you are either Desi, married to a Desi partner, or both. I understand this now. There is no excuse for my moronic mistake, especially because I went to a diverse high school. Obviously, I made some poor assumptions about you because you look like you are white in your profile picture.

In no way, shape, or form do I think it is acceptable to make fun of someone’s name, nationality, race, origin, or vaginal status.

I am a racist blowhard sometimes, but I strive to be better.

Please accept my apology. Please be my awesomely cool, very very warm and fuzzy, not at all air-filled, Facebook friend.

Sincerely,

Queen LaQueefah, III

Postscript: I apologized publicly on Facebook (without naming names), basically saying that I am insanely dumb and said something stupid to someone. And I made amends with Krista. MANY of our former teammates watched this all go down.

Needless to say, Erin and I are not friends.

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