Are You Strong Enough To Be Her Man?

Just sidestep the She-Devil, Gents — you got this!

When you ask a woman to give you the skinny about her man, her response is of two minds.

He is charming and funny, smells good and looks sharp, and he’s attentive to my needs — you know, my needs.

And — he’s a slob with a wandering eye, his feet smell and he passes gas all the time, and he doesn’t hardly listen when I’m speaking.

He protects me and takes care of me, he knocks out my honey-do list, and loves to take me dancing (so eat your heart out).

He is so insensitive and self-absorbed, he forgets almost everything, and he’s always watching sports.

He’s so good with the kids!

He’s so damned opinionated!

I love my man. I can’t stand that man.

These answers illustrate the subconscious tug of war inside her mind. Both versions are as true and as real as the two teams pulling on a rope in a contest. And one side will win today, while the other side might win tomorrow. It’s the nature of the game.

Can men do anything to increase the leverage towards the positive view?

I will share some advice: Beware the She-Devil.

The following comes to you from a variety of sources, including life experience, relationship theory, and tidbits from years spent in couples therapy.

First, you look at you. Take inventory of your strengths. This is usually easy. Then, look at where you have failed in your relationships. Zoom out and look for patterns, rather than isolated arguments or regrets.

This exercise reveals your perceived skills, and your areas of improvement. Write them down.

Then ask for her to give you her list. Find out how she sees you.

Do they match? You will see overlap, and you can key in to reinforce the good, and closely examine the negative. You will also have clear opportunities to improve your game.

You have also signaled that you care and engaged her in conversation about your relationship. Creating a safe space to receive feedback on your way of being pays huge dividends.

Cultivating self awareness is a tricky thing. Asking your lady for her view on you improves your authenticity, especially in your relationship.

Let’s be honest — you aren’t a consistently awesome partner. You are human and therefore fallible. The most helpful move for you? Acknowledge that it is always on you to step up. This is the first lesson to succeeding in a relationship.

Make it a habit to take a pause or a breath before you respond. You only have one chance to react. Take your time. Conflict always presents you with an opportunity to shine. You never know when it will come up — be ready to breathe first.

Forget about right and wrong in the heat of the moment. It doesn’t matter. Plus, for her, the rules of engagement change constantly (just look at the lyrics to Strong Enough for some insights). You must remain fluid as you approach her during disagreements.

You have to remember that just on the other side of that amazing angel you fell in love with, there sits a she-devil lying in wait. That entity comes with the package.

You must be ready to lose some points, to take it on the chin, and hang onto the rope as you plunge into the mud. You will be on the losing side of the contest some days.

So, you clean up to jump back in and try again. That’s the stuff you are made of. You can’t abandon the game every time you lose. Walking away cannot be an option.

Always remember why she fell in love with you. Refine him. The longer you are with her, the muddier it gets. Hold on and cherish her.

She wants you to stay strong and be her ally, even when she is verbally flaying you for your foibles. You have to trust. If your ego meets her she-devil, hurtful words will damage both of you. Remove your ego and let it go.

She is doing her best today, just like you are doing yours. If things aren’t going well, there will be time to talk it through later. Recognize the time factor. Roll with it.

Don’t let the she-devil destroy any part of what you cherish. Her wrath always recedes and gives way to the angel again.

I am not coaching you to believe that you are right and she is wrong, or vice versa. I am not saying you shouldn’t bend, or should refuse to listen. That she-devil speaks deep truths — you may need to change your behaviors. Great benefit comes when you see life through the eyes of the one you love.

Just don’t allow yourself to get caught in the chaos by trying to fight back. Tenderness and love will rise above that she-devil.

The surefire way to diffuse your response to a she-devil is to see her as a petulant child. The outbursts of painful, angry words are not the personal attack on your manhood. They are arising from the place of the invisible, unheard, vulnerable child deep within her.

Your goat will remain ungettable once you are able to see a hurt child throwing a tantrum in the place of the she-devil.

Be brave. Release that inner voice that wants to stop the madness. This is not the time for you to control things.

Step a little closer. Reach out to her. Remain centered. Tap into the charming, funny, fragrant man she loves, and just be there. Be with her.

The storm will pass. The she-devil always dissolves.

Your angel will be waiting. And grateful.