RELATIONSHIPS

How to Finally Stop Spying on Your Ex and Sticking Your Nose in His Affairs — It’s Time to Move On

6 ways to stay sane while you move out of crazy town

Now that you and your latest love have finished co-mingling, co-habiting, or just co-fucking each other, it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s over.

Even though he’s not physically with you, doesn’t mean you can’t physically feel him — if you know what I mean.

Here are six tried and tested strategies I created — and successfully used — to stop ‘he who shall not be named’ from affecting me so powerfully and ruining my life forever.

By applying ALL of these, I managed to release the self-imposed brakes and get the hell out of crazy town.

A warning: If you still feel tender loving feelings towards him, then this will be tough.

It’ll be so much easier if he’s pissed you off in some way.

So before you start, if you don’t feel ‘done with him’ enough yet, get yourself into the, ‘he’s a bastard’ zone first.

Bring up a powerful compelling memory of a time he really pissed you off, then go for it!

Here are my 6 steps to recovery.

Step 1: STOP Checking His Social Media

It doesn’t matter whether you unfriended each other in anger, or as an amicable mutual agreement. No longer having access to his online life can feel really frustrating.

The freedom you will eventually feel though is incredible. If you can’t stop the minimizing habit of constantly checking his current status online, then you will never truly let go.

Do not try and get around this by checking his groups or friends’ feeds instead. Been there, done that, and bought the friend stalker T-shirt.

STOP IT!

This rule also applies to checking for activity on the online pages of an actual physical group too. Checking to see if he turned up this week to his local photography club, is wandering dangerously close to stalker mode again.

What if, after scanning every photo close up, you don’t see him? Your brain could go into overdrive wondering where in the hell he really was. In the past, he would only miss it if you guys were on a date.

You see why this is a problem?

It’s amazing how quickly our hidden secret detective side can kick into action if it’s called.

So, Miss Sherlock, put down your eyeglass and leave him alone.

The No Going Back Move:

Block him!!

This way you won’t be able to see his profile, and he can’t see yours.

So you can stop wasting time posting your ‘make him see what he’s missing’ photos anymore. Because he won’t be seeing them.

Explain to your immediate online mutual friends that you need to ‘unfriend’ them for a while. Seeing your ex, comment on their posts is not helping your progress. You can still contact your friends, but via private messaging for a while.

Oh, and do remember to block his business pages too.

Out of sight, is one step forward in the direction of sanity and peace.

Step 2: STOP Sticking Your Nose in His Star Sign

Even the top astrologers advise against checking someone else's latest horoscope predictions.

No good can ever come from this — believe me.

You’ll just drive yourself crazy over situations that don’t even exist.

How many times did you check it when you were together? Come on be honest now.

Did you dismiss it as a load of old rubbish when it wasn’t relevant, but hang onto every word when it was? Especially when it hinted towards a soul mate in his life — which was, of course, you.

Oh, and how often did you post that prediction to him? You know, just to clarify to him that you were in fact a ‘match made in heaven’, and ‘meant to be’.

Please, please, please stop doing this now.

If he is still a not-too-distant memory, then he will never become distant if you keep on reinforcing his place in your heart.

Hanging on to someone else’s interpretation of the latest star and planet configurations to tell you what he is up to, will keep you well and truly in crazy town.

The No Going Back Move:

Stop getting automatic statuses of your horoscope. This will make you less likely to check his. Take control of your life.

It’s up to you, not the stars, on which direction you take.

What happens on the way, will transpire accordingly, but it’s up to you to make the first move.

Step 3: STOP Worrying Over His Messaging Apps

This one is much harder — and for some of us, the hardest one to stop doing.

Most apps don’t currently have a way to delete a contact. The closest you’re going to get is to delete him as a contact on your phone.

This doesn’t delete him from your chat lists — unfortunately.

Over time though, he will gradually end up at the bottom as you interact with him less and less. This won’t stop you from checking his latest activity time, or whether he’s currently online though. That part is up to you.

If you don’t want him to see your activity, then you can block him. This prevents you from feeling disappointed when he doesn’t message you — you know, just to see how you’re doing, and apologise for every shitty thing he’s ever done.

Make them feel your absence, not become bored with your presence.

The No Going Back Move:

Delete your entire conservation!

Go on, delete the lot.

It takes guts to do this, especially if you’ve had some really lovely chats. Now there is a buffer here. You can have your conversation emailed to you — if you want to.

Warning: I know someone who confidently deleted her entire messaging relationship, from the initial flirtation to the finish line. But only after she had reassuringly emailed their conservation including all of the photos, videos, and audio, safely to her inbox first.

Knowing that she had a copy of everything, made her feel so much better about letting it go. She knew that ‘if she wanted to’ (her words), she could take a sneak peek.

This plan sadly backfired when she discovered that WhatsApp can only email the last 30 days of content. So although she still had a few pictures and messages, there was only 1 month of them — and the last month hadn’t been their best time, as this was when everything was falling apart.

All of the previous romantic and juicy content was gone.

But you know what, if you have the guts to do this, you will feel amazing.

Step 4: STOP Having Mind Sex with Him

Or, in other words, when you’re having a little play with yourself, DON’T think of him.

If you replay all of the wild and wonderful things you did together while rubbing away down there, all you’re succeeding in doing is rubbing him further into your psyche.

Isn’t it weird how when we’re with them, we often fantasize about someone else, and when we’re not, we fantasize about him.

The fact is, the grass clearly isn’t greener on the other side of the sexual fence.

Thinking of him during fantasy play alone time, feels awesome and liberating at the time, and will definitely bring him closer to you. But the post-orgasm side is a huge deflation.

To detach from his energy, you must not give your ex-relationship any more energy — particularly sexual energy.

To understand this concept more, read Chapter 11 of Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill, where he states:

Sex desire is the most powerful of human desires

Instead, think of a new image, a blank face, or of true freedom.

Just do it for yourself, and yourself alone.

The No Going Back Move:

Find someone new to fancy, even if nothing comes of it.

This may just be enough to divert your fantasies for at least a little while until the lust for ex-him has subsided.

Warning: Letting the flirtatious fancy lead to a real-life fling, may not be the healthiest move.

It can feel hot in the lead-up to the moment. But more often than not, once things get more intimate and parts are getting touched, it could feel a little strange.

Especially if the new fumbling fingers don’t quite know the route, as well as the old faithful familiar ones did.

If you’re still in the sensitive stage, then your heart may not be strong enough for this one. Many women actually feel guilty after having rebound sex, even if it’s been a while since they split.

Warning #2: If you don’t heed my first warning and end up being flung into guilt, DO NOT CALL HIM!

The chances of him understanding your actions are slim, and you could end up feeling like a pile of cheap crap.

Step 5: Get a New Look

Most men hate it when women get a drastic haircut.

But who cares right?

Now, I’m not suggesting you go and shave your head and wear baggy clothes as a mark of rebellion.

What I am suggesting is, you take a good look in the mirror and ask yourself if it’s time for that change you’ve been toying with for ages.

Ask yourself this; is there any remote chance you kept your hair that style, length or colour because you knew he preferred it like that — even if you hate to admit it?

If so, maybe now is a good time for a change.

It goes without saying that a new hairstyle can majorly affect how you feel.

Not sure what to do?

Here’s a tip; watch movies or look in magazines to find female characters who inspire you.

It’ll probably be something about their attitude you will relate to — there is a high chance you’ll like how they look too.

Mine was Keira Knightly in the movie Domino. I liked her spunk, her feistiness, and her confidence.

She represented freedom and independence.

Both of these were traits I knew I had deep inside of me — before I gave my pathetic weak side way too much airplay, towards the end of my relationship. This may have even contributed towards our break up, who knows.

I wanted Domino’s ‘Fuck It’ attitude!

So, I told my hairdresser to just ‘chop it off please’.

It was either that or become a bounty hunter like Domino herself.

Once your hair looks different, you WILL feel different — and there’s a good chance you’ll want to dress differently too.

So, go shopping.

Amazing top tip: As you walk around the store, randomly grab clothes you wouldn’t normally choose. Take them to the fitting rooms, put them on, and see how they make you feel.

If you feel good, you’ll look good.

Strutting your stuff with a brand-new look can unlock a whole new level of confidence, which is just what you need right now.

Warning: The temptation here may be to strut your new look ‘accidentally on purpose’ in places where you know your ex will be.

I’m not saying don’t, I’m just saying, be careful.

Who have you done this for, you or him?

The No Going Back Move:

Have a wardrobe clear out and throw away ALL clothes that remind you of him. That includes the dress that he could lift up so easily, the knickers that you knew were his favourites, and his T-shirt that you loved to wear in bed.

Warning #2: I know it seems wasteful but, don’t give or trade your old ‘him clothes’ with your friends.

Do you really want to see your friend hot-shotting it in that dress you wore on your first date?

Imagine if she runs into your ex somewhere and he likes the dress on her too.

Ugh, I shudder to think of the implications.

Dumping the lot off at a charity shop is another option, but that’s really up to you.

There’s something very therapeutic about the act of actually throwing these things away.

It’s tough to do, but it works wonders.

Don’t worry if your wardrobe seems a little bare for a while. The universe likes to fill a void.

Step 6. START A New Career

What have you secretly dreamt of for so long but never had the guts to do?

I’m thinking here about Gwyneth Paltrow in the movie, Sliding Doors.

If you’ve always secretly wanted to start your own business, maybe now is the time to do it.

Your new image will help you with this.

Did your dependence within your relationship prevent you from doing this before — maybe?

Without his opinion and limiting judgments to face, what have you got to lose?

Most towns have free resources where you can get impartial advice on working for yourself. It helps to be around new fresh minded people, especially women.

There are tons of organisations to help women start businesses.

What if you’re already an ambitious and independent woman, with a fulfilling career?

Maybe you work within a big corporation, and you have no desire to give up the rung of the ladder you’ve worked so hard to stand on.

This could be a tough one.

How about changing departments, going for a promotion or changing companies?

“Why should I?” I hear you shout defensively.

You shouldn’t, but sometimes things happen in our lives to trigger a shift in circumstance.

If ‘he’ works for the same company and you have to have regular contact with him, is it really worth staying and making this transition more challenging than it already is?

This could be the wake-up call you need.

If your daily routine is pretty much the same, and the only difference is, he isn’t in it, then there will be a void.

This empty space can feel cold, empty, and gut-wrenching.

If you create change and recreate your life for the better, you are coming from a place of strength.

You are being proactive, not reactive.

You will no longer be the victim, and this can be wonderfully liberating.

The No Going Back Move:

Leave the country!

Yes, this is as drastic as it sounds, but it’s oh such a wonderful thing to do if you are able.

Have you ever thought of volunteering abroad?

You can do this for anything from 2 weeks to a year or more. What about taking a sabbatical? More and more companies are allowing their employees time off to do this these days.

Many companies would prefer to keep a valuable member of the team long term and cover them for a year, so they can return, refreshed and rejuvenated than lose them altogether.

If volunteering and/or travelling sparks your gut instinct, take a look at Workaway.info. It’s a great way to discover untapped parts of your character.

To be fully on the road to recovery, you must lift up your head, face forward and believe in your own strength.

If you apply any of these strategies too, then you’ll be well on your way.

So, take one last look in your rearview mirror and give thanks for the learnings and memories that you see back there.

Then rip it out, ’cause you’re on your way.

Wishing you lots of love for your new life as the powerful woman you are.

Thanks for reading.

Phoenix G x

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