EMOTIONAL HEALTH | SELF-LOVE | HEALING
Are You Ready to Fire Your Inner Bully and Finally Be Your Own Best Friend?
A lesson in self-loving
I once housed a bully inside me. She’d abuse me; pinch my bread-basket belly and call me a chub-chub. She’d make me climb on the stationary bike at 11:30 at night to wear off the pizza I ate for dinner.
She’d call me stupid when I accidentally gave someone the wrong information at work. She’d tell me I have no friends because I’m awkward and shy. She’d say I’m too emotional and should control my feelings.
Do you or have you ever had an inner bully running your life? It doesn’t feel good. The bully feeds on the toxic shame it creates inside us with its mean words and judgments of ourselves.
It’s hard to love ourselves while swimming in the toxic sludge of shame.
Breaking the cycle of self-loathing
If you are anything like me, you probably believed it was normal to be hard on yourself. To beat yourself up. To call yourself names.
You may have believed that it’s the only way you can get yourself motivated in life. Whip the whip sort of speak.
One day, when I was moving through another one of my self-hate depressive episodes, my mother, of all people, asked me if I loved myself.
I remember feeling frustrated and annoyed by her question. The concept of self-love felt too abstract. I wanted a map. I needed tools.
The fix-it project
I embarked on years of self-improvement beginning with yoga, meditation, self-help books, and spirituality. I spent thousands of dollars attending workshops and retreats.
I was after the Holy Grail, desperate to arrive at some place in the future where I’d be healed and could bathe in the light of self-love every blessed moment for the rest of my life.
But self-love is not a destination we can reach and be done with it. It’s a life discipline; a practice.
Growing self-love
Imagine for a moment that you are a garden. Before you are ready to plant the seeds in the spring, you must first rid the soil of weeds and rocks. You must enrich its nutrients with fertilizer.
The same goes for changing how we relate to ourselves.
We are not going to cultivate loving feelings for ourselves if we are critical of our behaviors and give ourselves a hard time; if we call ourselves names and practice self-aggression.
The first act of self-love is cultivating gentleness, kindness, and compassion toward ourselves. These are not just concepts. They are sensations that we can experience in our bodies.
When I began my gentleness practice, I’d ask:
How can I treat myself in a way that is encouraging and affirming of my innate goodness?
Begin by paying attention to your thoughts
Paying attention to what I was thinking became a daily practice. Some of the negative self-talk was so old and covert that I didn’t at first notice it. I kept at it.
I began to notice a separation between the negative thoughts and myself. I was not the thoughts. And if I wasn’t my thoughts, I could change them.
I began to use a type of inner talk that I’d use with a five-year-old. When frustration ramped up because I repeated some old pattern that was not self-loving, I’d stop and give myself statements of compassion and encouragement.
I’d remind myself that my brain was healing from attachment injuries. It made sense that I wouldn’t do things perfectly the first time, but like learning any new skill, it would get easier over time.
Healing is an act of radical self-acceptance at every stage.
Deepening the self-love practice
Once I became efficient at slowing down my thoughts, I began to affirm myself in positive ways.
Affirmations became the bread and butter of my self-love practice. I chose to repeat:
I love myself exactly as I am. I accept myself exactly as I am. I matter to myself. I am important to myself.
Boundaries came next
I had to learn how to say yes and no to myself and others. I would decide on what the answer would be at any given moment by asking myself if what I was about to do was an act of self-loving.
This wasn’t always easy. I’d say no to going out with friends because I knew if I did, I’d feel tired the next day and not be able to accomplish what I had set out to do.
I’d get off the sofa and drive across town to a Codependents Anonymous meeting on a dark, winter, Monday night because I knew I’d feel empowered and strengthened by the community of souls who were all working toward healing and cultivating self-love.
I’d commit to weekly therapy sessions, even though I knew I may come face to face with some old traumas and uncomfortable feelings.
Self-love in those moments looked like holding and loving myself as I moved through the painful act of healing with the help of a caring therapist.
Self-love is not a one-man/woman job
There’s a misconception out there that we must be proficient in self-love before we can hope to have a healthy relationship with another.
This is harmful thinking. We are social creatures. We are interconnected with everything around us. We are interdependent on other people. We need nourishment not only from ourselves but from outside sources.
Bring yourself to the garden again. If you are the seed in the ground and you are denied water, sunlight, and fertilizer; if you are surrounded by weeds, how healthy will you grow?
We need other people to reflect to us that we are innately good. We need to be affirmed and told we are doing a good job. We need to be hugged, smiled at, held, and feel that we are loved. We need to be appreciated. These are basic human needs.
When I let others in, their love and appreciation reinforce my inner kindness, gentleness, and compassion. It’s a symbiotic relationship.
In conclusion
Self-love is a life-long discipline. It requires slowing down, being curious about our thoughts, accepting ourselves at every stage of healing, feeling our feelings, and practicing gentleness, kindness, and compassion with ourselves every step of the way.
We are all loveable. Self-love is our human right.
My favorite authors and their stories:
Joyce Nielsen has lived quite a life. Her “About Me” story is just the tip of the iceberg. She’s a true inspiration.
I adore this lady and her beautiful and talented writing. Jenny Lane writes on her porch even when it’s cold outside and on this particular morning, a creature crawled through her screenless window.
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