Are You More Likely to Meet a Narcissist on a Dating App?
The research says yes, but there are ways to date smarter
Open up any dating app, and you can sail to a magical island with infinite possibilities for finding love. Those of you from my generation most likely remember the 1964 animated TV special, “Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer,” and his journey to “The Island of Misfit Toys.” Dating apps have the whole gang from the misfit toy collection.
There’s the Charlie-in-the-Box. Surprise! He’s a raging lunatic.
There’s a boat that can’t stay afloat and the airplane that can’t fly. That’s when you discover the person you are dating is burdened with credit card debt, lives with their mother (or ex), and lacks any ambition to improve their life.
There’s the dolly for Sue. Sure, she seems normal until you uproot her insecurities and lack of self-esteem. (Why does she cry so much?)
Joking aside, I have often wondered if dating apps are an accurate sample of the general singles population. Could it be that there are more jerks/rejected toys on dating apps than in real life?
Finally, a recent study from the journal Personality and Individual Differences can shed some light on this question. A study involving 555 participants found that there are more narcissists on dating apps than people who don’t use them. They also found Machiavellianism predicted higher daily usage.
This is depressing news for single people trying to meet quality people online. Especially when the pandemic has forced many singles to socialize less in real life.
I have ignored my share of smoking guns. And most of that smoke came off of dating apps. So I hope the following clues will help you recognize the narcissist on a dating app before it is too late.
When to swipe left
They advertise status symbols on their profile.
A dating profile is like the cover of a book. If someone posts a photo of themselves standing next to a luxury car, they view their “things” as the core of their identity. Do you want to date a person or a status symbol?
To a narcissist, love is transactional. They view wealth and good looks as currency on the dating market. And you will become one of their acquired possessions in time.
It’s all about me me me.
Everyone must try to present their best qualities on a dating app. But does their profile contain only descriptions of how fabulous they are? Or is it a mix of who they are AND what they are looking for in a partner? Remember that there is room for only one person in a narcissistic relationship — the narcissist.
Notice if they are using all their precious character space for bragging about themselves.
They are naked.
Would a man walk up to a person in real life and take his shirt off before saying hello? Would a woman press her breasts together and make a fish face before an introduction? Perhaps I am old-fashioned, but I view any kind of nudity as a red flag. To start, it messes with the plot curve. Shouldn’t you buy me a drink before I see your bulging pecs?
They are not asking any questions back.
This one is tricky because some people are shy and awkward on dating apps and simply have not mastered the art of communication. And some people only want to talk about themselves.
My rule of thumb is if I have asked three questions and not got a single question back…I move on.
They claim to be kind.
A narcissist will often mirror back only what they want you to see. In their profile, they will describe themselves as generous, loyal, or compassionate.
Kind people don’t brag about how kind they are. If it’s part of who they are, they don’t call attention to it. Mother Theresa hardly needed an advertising campaign to get into heaven.
Kind people are always aware that they are never so perfect that they can’t be evil. They continuously check themselves and work toward being a better version of themselves. Being a kind person is something a secure and healthy person knows takes hard work. And they have the hubris to know that even angels can fall.
“Goodness is the unique consequences of one’s awareness to be bad.” — Alain de Botton
Their words don’t match their pictures.
A narcissist will often tell on themselves. Maybe they say they are looking for a serious relationship. But then every picture shows them half-naked with supermodels hanging off them.
Or perhaps they brag about how honest they are, but they are wearing sunglasses in every picture. Every CIA detective will give you this tip — honest people don’t hide their eyes unless they are in a witness protection program.
A picture doesn’t lie. But a narcissist will.
They don’t seem to have passions.
Look for the person who wants you to see the depth of their life instead of the shiny exterior. I don’t care if it is fly-fishing or basketweaving, having a passion is hot.
Of course, some people are very private and don’t want you to know that they are an avid stamp collector. (I personally find a philatelist hot.) Sometimes, you will have to do some digging before judging someone by their profile.
But be careful of anyone who doesn’t seem to have a single hobby. People who live their life without passion, try to suck the passion out of others. You don’t need those kinds of emotional vampires.
People who live their life without passion, try to suck the passion out of others.
They are negative.
I am always surprised by how many single people use their allotted profile space to complain about dating. These people will often say things like “please look like your pictures” or “not looking for drama.” Trust me on this one. Anyone who says they are not looking for drama is looking for drama.
Someone who complains in their dating profile is revealing a vital facet of their personality — they lack gratitude. They see the worm and not the apple. So be prepared to dance like a circus monkey to make them happy. Sadly, studies show that depression and narcissism are often two sides of the same coin.
Over the years, I have had better luck with men I met in real life vs. dating apps. But while there might be a higher chance of meeting a jerk online, I also must shoulder some of the blame. Clearly, I have made some poor decisions about whom to invite off the island.
But “The Island of Misfit Toys” was meant to be a message of empowerment. The toys, despite their flaws, were all worthy of love.
There are tons of quality men and women on dating apps. The secret to not getting a dud — choose someone whose flaws make them endearing and not dangerous. (I am looking at you, Spotted Elephant wanting something “casual” — keep your cooties to yourself.)
