Are You Losing Your Hair?

I am losing my hair. The hairs fly off my head like little snowflakes on a calm winter morning: soft, light, and tranquil. They cover my bathroom floor with a reddish-grey gauze; they follow me everywhere in the house. I find them on my clothes, on the couch, on the kitchen counter — whatever I touch. I am surrounded by my dancing hairs, and I think they laugh at me, whispering to each other, She is gonna be bald soon!

I know that we all age differently, but why in the world should we get punished so cruelly? Why should we lose our identity, our femininity, our self-esteem?

My quick Google search brings up very encouraging results: forty percent of women lose their hair after the age of fifty. Yeah! I am not alone. However, that doesn’t help me with the snowfall in my bathroom.

Further research shows me that the major reasons for hair loss are hormonal imbalance, thyroid issues, lack of vitamins B and D, and iron deficiency. Oh! So the reasons for my situation should be easy to find out! A simple blood test should give me the answer.

The problem, though, is that my doctor has no clue. Apparently, he is not trained to recognize this type of issue, which affects forty percent of women. He is only trained to do annual physical exams according to last century’s guidelines. But no worries. I bring him the info I Googled and — bingo — I get a lab order instantly. Thank God! I am on my way to finding the root of the problem.

However, all my test results come back normal. I feel like the little snowflake bitches in my bathroom are celebrating their victory: They dance around me like kids around a Christmas tree, giggling and pushing each other. But they don’t know who they are dealing with! I am not one to give up easily.

I turn back to my friend, Google. And this is when I get completely lost. The search for ‘hair loss remedies’ brings me thousands of results, and all of them promise ‘beautiful, thick, shiny hair’ in a matter of a few weeks if I just try their products. So what product should I start with? Should I sort them in alphabetical order? And given the volume of research involved, should I apply for a grant?

As I am a big believer in natural remedies, they become my last resort. Many hair products list aloe vera, honey, and avocado oil as essential ingredients, so I ask myself, Why don’t I try each of them separately? I also find out that onion juice acts like natural Rogaine by stimulating the hair follicles, so I include it in my hair routine. As I am a computer science professional, my approach is very systematic: a hair mask once a week and aloe vera leaf applications three times a week. Have I seen results? Not yet, but it might take some time. The bathroom orgies are fading away, though. I think the parasite family is in waiting mode: Is she really gonna get rid of us, or are we clear to go back?

Don’t even think about it! I won’t allow you bloodsuckers to destroy my life. My favorite quote is one by Eleanor Roosevelt:

A woman is like a tea bag — you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

And I know that this tea will burn you alive, now and forever.