Humans and Animals | Humor

Are You In A Toxic Relationship?

I’m in a very toxic relationship, that I don’t want to leave.

As I was cleaning the attic, I found a box full of my ex-wife’s old magazines.

I started sorting some for the garbage, others to donate to the local library, and the ones she might want back.

While reading the covers, I found one with the headline: “Are you in a Toxic relationship?”

My first impulse was to say no, not me. Yes, we had our problems like other couples, so, no toxic relation here.

But as I was about to discard the magazine, something caught my attention.

At first, I felt a shiver running up my spine, like if the weight of the world fell on my back.

That was the moment I saw Chloe’s deep green eyes staring at me.

Thinking with contempt: Yea, dream on!

7 Signs your relationship is toxic.

Whether it’s a partner, a friend (even a pet, as I found out), or a colleague, it helps understand the red flags.

“When you get out of it, you realize how toxic it actually was.”

― Steve Maraboli

I decided to read the article, and this is what I found.

1. You’re left feeling emotionally exhausted.

Never try to outstubborn a cat.

― Robert A. Heinlein

Ever since the quarantine began, I start working at home. My first task was to set a space for my home office.

I moved some of Chloe’s stuff and put my desk, computer, and phone.

Every day when I start working, I find her sleeping on top of my computer.

After a few moments of arguing, I put her on the floor. Instantly, she climbs the book-case and starts giving me the side-eye until I play or pet her.

Sometimes she is so demanding that it is exhausting!

2. They always try to intimidate you to get their way

“Some people say man is the most dangerous animal on the planet. Obviously those people have never met an angry cat.”

— Lillian Johnson

Since we brought Chloe home, she has been a piece of work.

She was always trying to manipulate or bully us into doing what she wants.

Even when we knew, it is good for her.

People say cats can’t talk, but man, they can argue. Either by meowing or hissing and show their disapproval, they always try to impose their will.

3. They try to control you by guilt-tripping

“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.” — Terry Pratchett

Who can forget Puss in Boots’s sad eyes while holding his hat in his paws?

No matter how many times you see the movie, it always breaks your heart.

Every kitten is born with the ability to make you feel bad.

Either you concede to their demands or leave the room feeling like the worst person in the world.

No matter if you are the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, the toughest lawyer, or Dwayne Johnson The Rock. You will be completely helpless.

4. They are jealous

“O, beware, my lord, of jealousy! / It is the green-eyed monster”

— William Shakespear (Othello, Act 3, Scene 3)

Contrary to dogs, you never own a cat. They let you feed and pet them and share their lives.

And so, they demand your complete and undivided affection.

Shakespeare’s phrase about the green-eyed monster reminds me of Chloe’s jealousy.

She might tolerate it whenever I pet my other cat. But the moment she decides it’s enough, she jumps to my lap, pushing and biting her sister until she is on the floor.

5. They see themselves as a victim

“A happy arrangement: many people prefer cats to other people, and many cats prefer people to other cats.”

— Mason Cooley

Bad things happen to everyone, but a toxic person always seems to be the victim.

Chloe has the power to pin every mischief to Julie our other cat.

Once we start to find torn toilet paper on the floor, and Julie, sleeping on top.

We asked our vet how to end this behavior. He said: give her other toys and provide different bedding.

But the problem continued until one day; I put a nanny cam in the bathroom to see what was happening. To our surprise, it was Chloe who tore the toilet paper, Julie came later and laid down.

When we told Chloe to stop, she looked at us with a sad face, like saying, but it wasn’t me, it was the paper’s fault, it was my sister.

With her sad eyes playing the victim’s role.

6. They give backhanded compliments

A cat won’t curry favor even if it’s in their best interests to do so. A cat can’t be a hypocrite.

— Stephen King

I love when my friends come home and start baby talking to Chloe.

She stares at them as if she was thinking, what is wrong with this person?

Why does she talk this way?

Or answers with one meow, like saying: Yes, I know, I’m the cutest cat in the world. Whatever, leave me alone!

7. They are Overly defensive

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.

— Mark Twain

It doesn’t matter how much you think your cat loves you when they are on your lap.

Don’t even think to scratch their belly, touch their tail, or try to carry them inside your house when they go out.

They become the most fierce creatures by showing their teeth and hissing.

You learn very soon their meaning of don’t you dare. No, means no!

Later, they will wind their way through your legs or sit close enough so that their tail touches you. Even headbutt and cheek rub you to say ‘I love you!’

But when they are angry, you better watch it, mister!

So, I concluded that as the article in the magazine says:

The most important thing of all is to trust your gut.

I have to accept that I’m in a toxic relationship with my cat, and I don’t have any plans to end it.