Are You Frozen By Defensiveness?
Life is sweeter without it
Defensiveness isn’t only an enemy of personal growth and success; it’s also an enemy of close relationship satisfaction, growth, and success. - Shawn M. Burn Ph.D.
Defensiveness
What is with the defensiveness? Is it supposed to be keeping you safe, and happy?
Well, how is that working for you? (Me, in my best Dr. Phil McGraw voice.)
Defensiveness wasn’t working very well for me. I was protecting myself from everything I perceived as a threat from the outside. I thought that would work. I would be safe and happy.
But, I had another problem. The worst threats I was facing weren’t from the outside. They were from the inside. It was my own self-critic chipping away at my happiness.
The colder it got inside, the harder it was to take any bit of criticism from the outside. I even misjudged some commentary as criticism. I would fire back, in defense. Fire and ice were not a good combination for me.
Melting
Maybe it is my own self-critic or just my sense of humor, but I picture myself in The Wizard of Oz, playing the Wicked Witch of the West. In this scene, I have a green face and a black dress. I am carrying a broom. I'm stooping down smaller and smaller saying, “I’m melting.”
In the scene I am picturing, the Wicked Witch sets the Scarecrow on fire. To put out the fire, Dorothy splashes water on the scarecrow. The Witch gets splashed in the face and she withers away saying, “I’m melting.”
That is how I see my solid ice defensiveness, melting away in my mind.
In reality, I started to warm up from the inside out. I recognized and addressed my inner-self critic. I know my strategy is working because I don’t misjudge commentary as criticism as much. I have a much healthier relationship with myself, so when I do face criticism, I don’t feel defensive, in most cases. Some defensiveness will remain, it is called defense for a reason, a tiny bit is healthy in case there is a real danger.
Now, instead of sounding the sirens at the first signs of criticism, I hear myself thinking, I want to understand this person's perspective.
I think, There may be a misunderstanding. My intentions are good and I‘ve done my best. What is the disconnect? Is it a problem with communication or perspective?
Or, I think, maybe there is something that they have noticed that I should think about and work on.
In either case, I am open to hearing what others have to say. These thoughts are new to me. Criticism has previously been repelled against my solid ice armor at all cost.
Improvements
Working on my inner-self critic is working. I am enjoying the fruits of my labor, the ice is melting. I am starting to see improvements and I expect to see more. Here is what I am expecting:
More: cooperation, ease in problem-solving, enjoyment in joint tasks, bonding
Less: hurt feelings, frustration, anger, firing back, struggle
Final Thoughts
There is always room for growth. Defensiveness is not a tool of growth. If you feel yourself being very defensive, look inside and consider:
- Your defensiveness might be generated by feelings of inadequacy you already have about yourself. Most likely, your feeling of inadequacy is distorted.
- Your defenses may be turned on high because you are constantly defending yourself from yourself. The intensity of the defensiveness towards yourself and towards others may not be appropriate for the threat at hand.
- Maybe, there really is not a threat at all.
Check your feelings when you find yourself slipping into defensive mode. Strengthen your own positive and accepting feelings about yourself so that you can be open to growth opportunities. We are happiest when we are growing, despite the growing pains.
Thanks for reading. I hope everyone finds their way to a happy place where defensiveness melts away. Life is sweeter without it.
Thank you to Diana C. for the Wednesday prompt: Unfreezing the body armor
Note: Toxic relationships and encounters may require a different approach.
