Are You Brave Enough to Commit to Loving Yourself Fiercely?
It starts with some shameless flirting.
Think of the last time you were in love. That feeling of butterflies in your tummy when you saw your high school crush pass in the corridor. That sense of the world being lifted beneath your feet when you date for the first time and everything feels beautiful. You’re distracted and thinking of them all the time, but there's so much energy and enthusiasm in you. Life feels great overall, doesn’t it?
This is because feeling a deep sense of love releases dopamine in your body. It gets released each time you think of your loved one with affection. It also reduces stress and has a positive impact on physical health such as:
- decreased risk of heart diseases
- improved blood sugar
- improved immune system
- faster recovery from illness
Love really has healing powers, doesn’t it?
However, this love doesn’t always need to be for somebody else, it can also be for you. Yes, I know what you’re thinking; you treated yourself to that item that was floating in your wishlist for long or that spa day with your girlfriends. But self-love isn’t a one-time activity, it's a lasting feeling. That's the only way we can reap the benefits of love. Treating yourself feels good in that moment, but then life returns to normal. The intention is to make love the new normal.
Self-love isn’t a one-time activity, it’s a lasting feeling
You can find it hard to even think of loving yourself, I understand. I have been a fat kid for most of my life with borderline obesity. I bought everything from the men’s section as a teenager because the t-shirts in the women's section were too fitted for me. My face had acne, and I overall felt quite terrible about myself.
How do you love yourself when you don’t like to look at yourself in the mirror? How do you love yourself when you criticise your body every time you see it?
It's difficult, agreed. But you can cultivate self-love, with time and patience.
You can have that body you want, you can have that confidence you see her having and only wish you did, you can be who you want to be. Self-love is not just a hashtag on social media, but the respect we deserve to give ourselves. We treat our loved ones with such high love and respect, it’s time we treat ourselves that way too.
Self-love is not just a hashtag on social media, but the respect we deserve to give ourselves.
Here are the 4 things which helped me cultivate self-love.
Your Words Have a Frequency, Use Them Wisely
Everything you say has a frequency to it, positive or negative. Your words release energy, which impacts the energy around you, the energy you give to yourself, and others. Think of the time when somebody told you as a kid you’re not capable of doing something, how did you feel? Imagine if they instead told you that you are not there yet, but with a little more consistency you can get there. Would you have done better?
Words with an element of empathy release good energy.
Studies have shown that talking negatively to a plant every day will kill it. You don’t even have to touch it, you just have to say negative words to it. This is because it releases the negative energy of words to the plant, and the plant takes a hit of that negative energy again and again until it dies.
Now, think of how you talk to yourself.
I criticised my fat each time I changed my clothes. Even after I dropped 25kgs, I didn’t stop criticising parts of my body that still felt fat. It just came naturally because I’d been doing this all my life. Now, I feel so sad looking back at what I put my body through.
Once I worked on changing this around by actively saying good things to myself and being grateful for my body to be healthy and functional, great things started happening. I developed a better relationship with my body and with food. I appreciated myself each day for being strong and healthy. I basically fell in love, for I felt so beautiful to be in this body.
How can you start
Shamelessly flirt with yourself. Give yourself a compliment each day. I understand it won’t be easy because we all have scars from our past, but it will be the beginning of a change that is never easy.
Say just one good thing to yourself every day.
And after that, each time you catch yourself saying something negative or criticising yourself, turn it around with a compliment instead. This make-believe play will ultimately become a habit and appreciating yourself will come naturally to you.
You’re in Touch With Others, But Are You in Touch With Yourself?
We live in the peak time of the brain-numbing era.
Studies show that we spend 76,500 hours on our phone in our lifetime which is 8.74 years and 3.07 hours a day. Out of this, we spend 142 minutes a day on social media alone. Spending a lot of time being distracted affects your brain by lowering focus and awareness.
“Simply put, humans are not wired to be constantly wired.” ― Cal Newport
I understand you know your favourite pizza topping and Netflix show. But what about your purpose? Are you absolutely satisfied with where you are in life? Have you envisioned your future and do you see yourself happy? If your answer is no, have you thought of how you can fix it?
I felt I knew myself really well. My life felt on track and I had a great routine. My Instagram blog was famous and people told me my health-related snippets inspire them and help them become healthier, which meant everything to me. I didn’t know I had a failed sense of life purpose. I followed the herd getting educated and getting a job, but I didn’t feel any sense of belongingness. I ignored this feeling because I didn’t recognise that something is wrong.
Now, remember when we spoke about love. When you’re in love, you do everything so much better with enthusiasm. I didn’t do great at work, but I stuck by because our environment tells us it is what we are supposed to do. Then, I quit social media randomly and started reading a lot more. Fast forward 7 months, the goal I set 5 months ago to be self-employed before 25 is coming true and my career has taken a different path altogether.
What changed? I got in touch with my inner-self, listened to it, and worked on this newfound relationship.
How can you start
Spend time with yourself with no distractions, and preferably with a pen and paper. Sit and write about what an ideal day in your life looks like, from when you wake up till you sleep. I never knew my soul doesn’t shine in a corporate career and will never feel as good unless I am creative. I figured this when I sat down to write what an ideal day in my life would be like.
That ideal day did not comprise going to work and working overtime for peanuts of money.
When you know and understand yourself, you fill the gaps of the things you aren't satisfied with and often overlook. Whether it's meaningful work or finding a sense of purpose in a hobby, these things will help you cultivate love towards yourself.
What Are You Proud of Today?
It’s easy to confuse humility with self-depreciation.
Imagine being on a weight loss journey and somebody compliments you. Saying “oh I am still fat and far from my goal” is a self-deprecating thought and not humility. You worked hard to shed that amount, no matter how little. You had to introduce a lifestyle change, you got out of your comfort zone, so why would you not appreciate yourself?
Why do we keep putting ourselves down?
When people told me they enjoyed my writing, my response used to be “thanks I just do it for fun.” Now, I say thank you and tell them their kind words push me to keep going and write to impact people with my words. It's an overall positive statement, isn’t it? Why do we keep putting ourselves down?
Society always shows us appreciation towards the top-most ranks. The gold medalist, the #1 man of the match, the highest-paid man, the best-placed college graduate. But society is not what you live for, you live for yourself and your loved ones who will appreciate you being a kind person and not the #1 kindest person in the world.
How can you start
Celebrate small wins.
Getting a sale, getting appreciated at work, making time for yourself, spending a day with your family — these are wins. Sure, some of them can't be measured. But these are the things which make you happier and make you a good person. Your wins don’t always need to be tangible, appreciate yourself each day for something you did which makes you or somebody around you happy.
What are you proud of today?
Let Go Of What No Longer Serves You
Why do you need to see what the Kardashians are up to in their mansions and unreal bodies? Why do you need to see influencers who show the best parts of their life captured by professional photographers who make it look like a dream? Why do you need to see people travelling in private jets?
Your dopamine doesn’t need to come from notifications and validation, because it can come from within.
This is entertainment that serves you in no way and negatively affects you. Studies show that social media increases a sense of insecurity and leads to depression. Because we see a lack in our own lives after seeing others being so perfect in our eyes.
I unfollowed all celebrities and influencers. Sure, I want to catch up with gossip every once in a while to see an actor’s newborn or wedding, but I don’t constantly want to know what they’re up to. It serves me in no way, so it doesn’t deserve my attention.
Similarly, and this is hard, let go of everything that doesn’t serve you. Even if it's people. Because their energy impacts your own, which is not worth it.
Your dopamine doesn’t need to come from notifications and validation, because it can come from within. It can come from within, from surrounding yourself with things and people you love. And when it comes from within, you don’t look for happiness elsewhere because you find contentment inside.
How can you start
Cut ties with anything that makes you feel bad about yourself or your life.
Whether it's that influencer with dreamy abs or that couple that travels the world. It's okay to see them, of course. But if it makes you feel worse about your life, reduce the frequency of seeing such things.
This is harder with relationships. I had to cut out a toxic friend who I was getting attached to because they were selfish and made me feel worse about myself. When that happened, it didn’t matter how I feel about them, but I don’t deserve somebody who makes me feel bad about myself.
Place yourself first and love that, because you’re the only person you will spend your entire life with.
Summary
Loving yourself is hard, and it doesn’t happen instantly. It's hard because we all have childhood traumas deep inside us that settled in. It's difficult because it makes us feel guilty and selfish to put ourselves first in our own eyes.
But love makes life better. It drives you to wake up and pursue your purpose, care deeply for your parents, do special things for your partner, and be a kinder person. Loving yourself is not just about you, but also for those around you.
You can start cultivating this habit by monitoring your words and reducing negative self-talk, knowing and understanding yourself deeply, appreciating and celebrating your wins and all the good things you do, and letting go of what no longer serves you.
Take it one day at a time. And tomorrow, appreciate yourself to get one step closer to loving yourself.
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