Are You Boring in Bed?
Here’s how you can tell, and how you can fix it
If you’ve ever worried that your skill in the bedroom falls on the monotonous side of lovemaking, I’d like to congratulate you.
Simply being self-aware and taking a critical look at whether or not you’re truly satisfying your partner is the first step to better sex.
If you can admit that the sex in your relationship is getting boring, you can start doing the work to make it hotter, more exciting, and more orgasmic.
And if you’re certain you’re the world’s most thrilling lover and have no room for improvement, chances are you’re more in need of some sexual reflection than the rest of us.
That’s because the very best lovers are the ones who are willing to constantly learn about their partner and themselves, look at their own habits, and improve.
It’s not necessarily one person’s fault, either. It takes two (more or less) to have sex, so if things aren’t great, communication is the best and quickest way to help the situation.
Breaking boring habits
If you’re a boring lover, one of the best things about it is that you have a lot of fun and naughty work to look forward to.
Consider this a checklist of bad habits that can make having sex with you a dull and tedious task. If you fit the bill for any or many of these, take comfort in knowing that there are effective (and fun!) things you can do to get out of a rut.
You skip or rush foreplay
Not taking the time to rev each other’s engines can be a guaranteed ticket to Boring Sexville — especially if you’ve been in a committed relationship for a while and things have cooled down.
Extra time and attention spent kissing, caressing, or massaging also sends blood flow to the clitoris, making an orgasm not only more likely, but also more pleasurable.
And emotionally, foreplay makes us all feel more desired.
Sometimes it’s fun to start foreplay as early as possible. By sending a naughty good-morning message and telling your partner what you can’t wait to do to them that night, you can build up arousal and anticipation all day long.
“Boring in bed” might mean you always keep sex in the literal bed
A change of scene is always a nice way to spice things up. And you don’t necessarily have to take it to an intense level (think sex in a public park or on an elevator) if that’s not your style.
Even lifting your lady up on the kitchen counter and going down on her, or riding your man on his home office desk chair, can add an air of spontaneity and special occasion.
And if you have kids, like me, wait till after bedtime or find a room with a lock — other than your bedroom — to do something a little different.
You put on the same show every time
My husband and I have a tendency to fall into this rut. Sometimes I feel like our sex is a choreographed routine we’ve rehearsed way too many times. Blow job, penetration until he orgasms, then a vibrator until I orgasm.
Orgasms are lovely, but they aren’t the only important component to good sex. Connection and passion are a huge part of it, and it’s hard to have those when it’s always the same robotic routine.
If you’re struggling with the same-old, same-old, change it up with different positions. Go look at sex position illustrations together and pick something you haven’t done that doesn’t seem too daunting.
Also, mix up the different methods for bringing your partner pleasure — sometimes a vibrator, sometimes oral, sometimes hand or fingers, sometimes vaginal penetration or anal (if you’re both into it).
While tried and true can be reliable, make sure you set aside nights where you’re exploring new sexual choreography.
You’re quieter than a mouse
Grunting. Moaning. Heavy breathing. Joy-filled laughter. Vocalizing pleasure is incredibly hot, no matter your gender. You don’t have to be a big dirty talker either if you want to take it a step up from non-verbal responses of appreciation. A simple “Oh yes” or “That feels so good” or “Just like that” packs a powerful punch in turning your lover on.
You never take time for romance/ambiance
If you’ve been together a long time and never take the time for a bit of romance or setting the scene, plan a night to do just that and feel the difference.
Ambient lighting, music, scented candles — these may seem small and unnecessary, but they can really enhance the mood. The glow of candlelight is more visually stimulating than darkness. And music that gets us going adds a dynamic that you just don’t get from heavy silence.
It’s also nice to get dressed up and do something together beforehand once in a while. Even if it’s nothing more than a walk around the park or cooking dinner at home — put some effort in your appearance, smell nice, wear the lingerie or the sexy underwear — and make the evening a special occasion where you do sweet things for each other.
There’s a reason date night is so effective — and you’ll see it later during the wildly enthusiastic sex.
You don’t care a whit about orgasms
Remember when I said orgasms aren’t everything? They are also almost everything.
Not everyone needs to orgasm to find sex satisfying. I’ve honestly had good sexual connection with the man I love even if I didn’t orgasm. But — I’m not trying to make that our routine.
Good sex without orgasm is the exception, but not the rule. If you’re too lazy to work with your partner and communicate with them on how to best get them off, sex is going to get boring fast.
If orgasm seems unachievable for your partner no matter how hard you both work at it, let them know you care about their health and wellbeing, and encourage them to see a medical professional or therapist to make sure there’s not a deeper issue that needs to be addressed.
You don’t want to try toys — ever
Not everyone is as enthusiastic about using toys to enhance couple’s sex as I am — but perhaps they should be?
Variety is the spice of life. So there are times I like to unplug and just go at it, me and Hubby, flesh against flesh, no battery-operated assistance needed.
However — and this is a big however — don’t rule out toys altogether. They can be such a pleasure enhancer, especially for women who don’t get clitoral stimulation with every position. I might love the feel and depth of doggie style sex, but it doesn’t necessarily stimulate my clit. The vibrator can really take my pleasure up a notch (or fifty) while my partner is making love to me.
And don’t forget — there are a plethora of sex toys for penis owners that can make for some exciting experimentation if you’ve yet to give that a try.
Toys provide varied stimulation and help us to be more orgasmic together. Shop the sex store with your partner for an adventurous date, or shop together online, and give yourselves some fun variety.
You’re never willing to try anything new
Ropes and floggers, choking and spanking, threesomes, swinging, submission, domination, toys — there are so many different paths to explore, and these are just a few of them.
Even if you prefer straight-up sex without any kinky frills, find a way to spice things up by trying something new once in a while. Maybe wear a sexy new costume and wig. Maybe role-play different scenarios.
If you aren’t comfortable stretching your boundaries as a couple, try taking an educational class with a sex coach or some other sex-related activity. Try watching porn together or sending each other nude photos.
Whatever your pleasure, don’t be afraid to explore your boundaries once in a while. Trying new things is the only way you’ll be able to discover something wonderful.
You don’t check in with your partner after sex
Communication is one of our best tools for a better relationship. Checking in with your partner puts you a step above the boring lovers. Being caring and considerate enough to talk about how the sex was and how your partner is feeling after will only make you closer. This post-coital loving can also help improve any aspect of the sex that might need a little work next time.
Do your naughty homework
Communicate with your partner. Talk about what you want that very night and what you’d like to try together in the future, and already you’ll be a more exciting lover.
And don’t forget to be playful. Laugh with each other and don’t take sex so seriously that you can’t loosen up with each other. Sometimes letting our insecurities go is the best way to discover more pleasure.
Now, go forth and do some fun and naughty homework to make sex more fulfilling.
