Are you attracting people who cannot commit?
Understand your own contribution to unavailable relationships & learn to like what’s healthy for you
Understanding why you seem to gravitate towards emotionally avoidant and unavailable relationships
As a Psychologist, there are certain patterns that you get to witness time and again. One such pattern is the felt inability of people with an insecure attachment style to find and remain in a healthy and emotionally balanced relationship. Instead, there is often a long history of unhealthy hollow relationships. Even at times when the superficial conditions appear to be ‘right’ with a new partner, it is only a matter of time before they too turn out to be unavailable for one reason or another. If this resonates, and you feel ready for a change then this article is for you. If you are new to attachment styles, I have explained in more detail in this previous post of mine
When good people get written off as boring and predictable
You might have noticed that any new emotionally keen and potential partner that comes into your sphere just doesn’t seem to feel quite right. Despite having told yourself you desperately want to meet someone who is available and keen, you view it as predictable, ‘too needy’ or available when you finally find someone who shows up with those traits. Having previously been the victim of relationships that require chasing, bending boundaries and searching for microscopic crumbs of affection- you are now becoming the perpetrator — on the run from intimacy. The one who is neglecting communication, struggling to be consistent and finds the prospect of staying in your new relationship anxiety-provoking. What is often more perplexing is that it happens particularly with those who meet all the criteria you have identified for what a partner should be like.
You go from acting as the text-book ‘anxious-preoccupied’ to suddenly assuming traits of an avoidantly attached person
You might create an impressive range of excuses for why consistent, kind and straightforward human beings on your dating radar just cannot be ‘the one’. After all, it does not ‘feel’ as exciting as it used to with the other ones…If only one of ‘them’ could change instead you think to yourself as you begin to scheme on how to create distance with the new great person you are dating. The trouble is; The anxious-preoccupied and the avoidant attachment styles are like two sides of the same coin. Both of them fall under the umbrella of ‘insecure attachment styles’. Whilst the outward behaviour tends to differ tremendously, the underlying wound is often similar and involves some level of emotional neglect, abuse or inconsistency. Even if most people will identify more with one of the styles, you might well find yourself oscillating between the two depending on the style of the person you are dating. Sadly, your ‘system’ might unhelpfully generate fear alerts and impulses because you are now seeing someone who is genuinely keen on a relationship with you. Dating someone who wholeheartedly wants a relationship and is not afraid to consistently show up, will require you to get real about your own problems with connection and intimacy!
This means having to engage with real-life data, learn to stay present despite your own intermittent need to pull away and become aware of your own emotional wounds. If your modus operandi has been one of projecting hopes, dreams and wishes onto a ‘blank canvas’ of an emotionally unavailable partner (and then calling it love) you might have more baggage around emotional connection than you previously realised. Even if that hurts to hear, focus on the fact that it means you have control over this situation and can make it change!
The addictive clinging to unhealthy patterns
One woman I treated had spent a few years in a ‘relationship’ with an avoidant and commitment-phobic man. His antics would have her both laugh and cry during sessions as she recalled the sheer absurdity of some interactions. We would always agree on how ridiculous and disrespectful his behaviours were, and she would profess that she knew she deserved better. But despite knowing that her relationship had become destructive, she was unable to cut her losses and move on. She, herself, was certainly not without blame as she kept enabling the dynamic via sloppy boundaries and the occasional game-play to illicit ‘hot’ feelings after a period of feeling abandoned. She knew intellectually that the relationship was a lost cause, but did not know emotionally that she would be just fine in case she left him. Fearing the idea of ending up alone filled her with dread so intense that even his sub-standard treatment would seem quite reasonable.
There is a difference between intimacy and intensity…
Convinced that a predictable man would be boring and that ‘attraction’ was rooted in a bit of unpredictability and ‘mystery’ she would quickly find herself clinging for dear life to the man who was confirming this belief on a daily basis. Sure, she was in a constant swing between euphoria and despair- but she failed to see how unsustainable a pattern this had become for her. For every little taste of euphoria, she was facing an increasing amount of energy depletion and doubt. With a gradually decreasing sense of worth, not only was she feeling ashamed of herself. She was also becoming increasingly starved for the nourishing powers of security and reliable love.
Anything tastes good after a period of starvation
She was acting like a starved animal in an unlocked cage who instead of taking off kept awaiting a feed from the keeper. When one came, she would ‘attack’ the feed ferociously, no matter how crumb-size it was, in order to absorb every drop of nourishment since she didn’t trust when or if one would come again.
Despite the unlocked cage, she would remain in there in a chronic state of starvation yearning for the keeper’s unpredictable ‘feed-ratio’ rather than spending her energy on breaking free and finding the plentiful stream of nourishment that awaited her outside in the free.
Despite us being able to laugh at the comical features during sessions, this destructive relationship was not a laughing matter. One day during the midst of pandemic lockdowns, he took it too far and ‘disappeared’ for a few weeks. When he appeared like a jack-in-the-box a few weeks later he stated he had just needed some space. The distress she suffered was so intense that she knew she finally decided to draw the line. The relationship needed to end no matter what.
The new relationship framework — emotionally habituating to healthy patterns of interaction
Having now seen this lady through to marrying a man who loves and supports her, I felt inspired to write this post to remind you all that change is possible. Although you cannot change your childhood, its past traumas or completely delete your relationship history- you have an active say in what sort of relationships you participate in going forward. You are under no obligation to settle for an unhealthy relationship to match the damage that has been done to your soul. It is time to become aware of any old outdated ‘programs’ that you are running on repeat if such is preventing you from allowing true intimacy to grow between you and another healthy adult.
If you lack a healthy template for relationships — be aware that many wrong things will still feel ‘right’
There is no denying that like attracts like. Laws of physics apply as much on the dating scene as they do in the understanding of atoms. Unfortunately, this can easily translate to some powerful feelings of attraction arising between two broken souls where neither one has the capacity or the insight to address the breakage. If you are someone who has now awakened to the fact that you need to heal yourself first, then start by temporarily disregarding your inner magnet for those who are in an impossible position themselves to meet your needs. Instead, you need to redefine your ideas of what a healthy relationship would look and feel like.
Focus on areas where you have some control
Even if your self-worth might have taken a toll in the past, your ability to theoretically choose what sort of relationship you want is still intact. Your emotional self, which also incorporates your ‘sense of smell’ for a suitable relationship, will however be lagging so you can’t be guided by your degree of attraction when looking for someone new. Not to the exclusion of other traits at least. Setting up rules of thumb for your new relationship is not only empowering but also a way for you to draw up new boundaries and consciously deselect what you no longer wish to take part in. It may feel as though you set yourself up for an impossible mission, but I would urge you to trust that you, just like anybody else, are deserving of a good and full relationship. Even if you do not yet feel it.
Taking a break to reset your standards
If your attraction is still drawing you towards bad apples, you should consider a hiatus from dating while you address your self-worth and learn to identify your authentic needs. This may sound overwhelming, but certainly, a better solution than wasting your time and energy on people who fuel your addiction to dysfunction and drama. Taking a break allows you to retune your radar and adjust your standards to fit with what you actually need. It can be soothing and rewarding to focus solely on treating yourself with honour, care and respect so do not rob yourself of this opportunity. As you begin to feel better about yourself, it will become increasingly unnatural to accept poor treatment from others.
Attraction can be deceiving
I have seen the smartest of people allow for some of the shadiest treatments when it comes to relationships. It is almost as though some of them feel that they have so much to offer that it is OK for someone else to freeload emotionally. A person’s ability to contribute emotionally to a relationship can never be compared to what someone does financially, practically or sexually. These are different love languages and for you to thrive in a relationship on an emotional level, it does help if your partner can at least assist in meeting some of the needs you identify as important to you (even if you don’t want to make them responsible for them). In terms of attraction, you might wish to rethink this concept. If your past experiences of ‘animal attraction’ have been paired with the equivalent of hurtful pain and drama- it may be worth keeping an open mind to how a healthy level of attraction (that does not come with a hungover) feels like.
Signs of a healthy prospective partner:
# They want to be with you will make it obvious. There will not be any need for a hard chase in order for them to notice you or remember to treat you with care and respect.
# They believe in a mutually supportive relationship and, without coercion, are prepared to pull out the stops for you when you need them. To be clear, this does not mean that you invent needs just to ‘test’ if they will meet them. It is mainly your own job to meet your needs, but in times of shortfall, it helps to have a partner who can offer support. You will know when this happens as there will be a sense of being backed up rather than abandoned when push comes to shove.
# You are attracted to and admire them for things other than what they do for you. You would describe them as a good person even if you yourself did not fancy them, i.e., you would objectively rate them regardless of your own feelings for them.
# Somebody who has your best interest at heart and who respects you!
# They share at least your most basic relationship values such as honesty, levels of fidelity, commitment levels etc. *this list is not exhaustive*
Don’t assume you are ‘right’ and they are ‘wrong’ — an unhealthy dynamic requires two people to participate in the dance
In comparison to a non-committal person, it may be tempting to view yourself as a master of commitment and intimacy. Your seeming ability to make future plans and invest emotionally can easily appear as sure signs of healthiness and readiness for commitment. A potential blind spot here is the fact that it feels far safer for those who are anxious-preoccupied in their attachment style to offer a full flow of love when they know, subconsciously or consciously, that the recipient is in no position to reciprocate anyway. By pouring love and commitment onto someone who makes it obvious they will not commit to you- you are responsible for avoiding commitment yourself!
Upgrading your standards for them means you need to take a look at yourself too
When you decide that you deserve better than you are currently getting, you will be faced with an inevitable mirror check. I have seen a high number of people revert back to drama and unhealthiness the minute they encounter someone who is emotionally available and keen to bond. It is going to be far easier to continue down the well-trodden road of drama-seeking and chasing than it will be to take ownership of your own attachment wounds. Please accept that even the most possible change is painful in the beginning but always pays off long term. This does of course not mean that you force yourself through a relationship that feels wrong for other reasons, but it could mean that you don’t run a mile just because your previous idea of ‘attraction’ is not arriving within the first 10 minutes with a new date.
Treat your relationship standards like food tolerability — consuming things you are allergic to is no longer an option
Relationship patterns that are repetitive, unhealthy and driven by unconscious urges rather than a deliberate wish to do good for yourself, are typically rooted in early traumas and attachment difficulties. As a mature adult, you will need to learn how to rise above your urges and define what you need and deserve in your life.
As a metaphor; If you are allergic to a certain food, you would be prepared to stay away from that food in the interest of preserving your wellness. No peanut anaphylactic will think ‘Aaah I just felt like a handful today, they taste so good’…if the cost of such is a trip to the emergency room.
Although not life-threatening, toxic and draining relationships can cause life-long suffering and untold amounts of emotional pain. And why should we not set the same high standards for our emotional health as we do for our physical ones? Once your allergies in a relationship context have been detected, it is your job to stay away from them. This has to be non-negotiable.
This might mean turning down someone to whom you have animal attraction if they do not treat you well. It could also mean giving someone a little more time if you like who they are and what they are about, even if you are not full of lust from the first date.
Rewiring your ‘faulty code’ can take a little time. Just like with food, you might develop a taste for health over time. When you keep eating well, you end up craving what is in your blood. Relationships are not dissimilar. At some point, you will even be wondering how you could ingest so much of something that made you feel unwell.
Does it mean I should just be prepared to grin and bear it with someone I don’t fancy?
I have been asked this question more times than I can remember by clients who are about to make a healthy change to their relationship patterns. It is a very understandable question that I believe is somewhat rooted in the ‘last chance saloon-mentality’ that often drives the anxiously attached clients to further cling to unhealthy dynamics.
To answer the question; No, you do not. But try to avoid a situation where you are allowing attraction only to be your guide on your relationship journey. Although it does of course have a place in relationships, it must not be at the expense of all other compatibilities. On the reverse, compatibility should not come at the complete expense of attraction. When you give people a chance, you might find that attraction can arise in ways that are different to what you are used to.