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Abstract

ng tips will help you be an effective ally (and a quality human).To be an effective ally, focus on being a PAL.<h2 id="5846">Someone who is PRESENT</h2>One of the most beneficial things you can do for your gay friends, relatives, and acquaintances is to be present.When faced with something we don’t understand or something that makes us feel uncomfortable, the easiest thing to do is distance ourselves. Often, that distance can be damaging to a queer person.When I came out of the closet to my oldest and dearest friends at the age of 50, they rallied around me. They checked in on me often, scheduled get-togethers, and texted me regularly to ensure I was okay. This made me feel loved and supported in a very tangible way, which I badly needed after turning my life upside down.However, one of my friends struggled with my revelation because she is deeply connected to God and actively involved in her church. For her, my being gay bumped up against her Christian values, making our relationship uncomfortable and precarious.As I mentioned earlier, we tend to avoid situations that make us uncomfortable, but my friend did just the opposite. She stayed present. She took a risk, expressed her struggle, and entered into a dialogue about how I felt and the process I went through to finally admit I was gay.My friend has put on a master class in loving and supporting me while holding onto her values and beliefs. We have had some fantastic discussions about our diverging views, and we’ve repeatedly affirmed that, above all else, we love and respect each other and value our relationship.Want to be a good ally? Show up for your friends. Be willing to stay present even amid something that makes you uncomfortable. Be available for them and reach out to check in on them regularly.<figure id="f65e"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*9g_6YIoElC2szlTXv_lR2w.jpeg"><figcaption>My beautiful partner and I on the beach in south GA. Author’s photo.</figcaption></figure><h2 id="3660">Someone who AMPLIFIES</h2>To be a good ally means being willing to speak up on behalf of the LGBTQIA+ community in your sphere of influence. Allies do not stay silent.I mentioned earlier that being an ally involves both resources and risk. Your voice is one of your most significant resources, and using it to amplify and support the gay community may feel risky.When you overhear people at a party, at work, or at the gym maligning the gay community, do you speak up? When you hea

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r that a particular political candidate you support is actively trying to dismantle laws protecting the gay community, do you continue to vote for them? When there is targeted hate toward LGBTQIA+ people, do you stand against it?While it’s not my intent to offend anyone, choosing to stay silent in these situations shows a distinct lack of support and love for the gay people in your life. Choosing to be an ally means being willing to risk using your voice to amplify the concerns of the gay community.<h2 id="9e52">Someone who LISTENS</h2>I regularly receive compliments on being a good listener, but recently, I discovered that I have an annoying habit. When someone shares something with me they are struggling with, I jump in and offer advice about fixing their problem. This isn’t helpful.We’ve all done it from time to time. Instead of listening with the intent to understand, we listen while formulating how we will respond as soon as there is a break in the conversation.Want to be a quality human (and a great ally)? Learn to listen well. Good listening skills involve patience and asking open-ended questions to keep people talking. Secondly, don’t share your opinions or solutions unless you are invited to do so.I’m learning that someone sharing a problem with me isn’t always an invitation to find the solution. Now, I remind myself to ask this simple question to understand what the person needs: Do you need to vent, or are you also looking for feedback to help remedy your situation?When my children were younger, I told them that good listening means we listen with our eyes, ears, and hearts. It was a great way to teach them to pay attention when being spoken to, but it’s also a great model for adults.It’s easy to listen with our ears, but we’re practicing next-level listening when we add eye contact and a desire to understand both what’s being spoken and what isn’t being said.<h2 id="c4f1">Closing Thoughts</h2>Being an ally is a gift to the LGBTQIA+ community. Understanding what’s at stake and the inherent risks is essential for anyone who considers themselves an ally.I’m grateful for the people in my life who are friends and allies. They demonstrate their love and support by being present, amplifying my concerns, and listening with compassion.I hope this was helpful in some small way. And I’d love to hear your thoughts on what being an ally means to you. If you’d like to share, drop a comment.©Kim Kelly Stamp, all rights reserved</article></body>

Are You an (Effective) Ally to the LGBTQIA+ Community?

These insider tips will help you be a good ally and a better human

This is a picture of me near a cool wall in Bellingham WA. Photo cred: Steve Johnston

Many believe themselves to be allies to the LGBTQIA+ community, but they often fall short without being aware of it.

It can feel uncomfortable to ask gay friends or acquaintances how to support them, but not asking can leave us floundering and frustrated.

I find most people are open and accepting of gays and just need help understanding how better to support their queer friends, family, and acquaintances.

Following three simple suggestions will not only help you become an effective ally but also a better human. But first, let’s define what I mean when I use the word ally.

What is an ally?

I’m often amused by my experiences with people after they hear that I’m gay. On many occasions, what follows is a list of the people they know who are also gay, as though their proximity to a queer person means they have something in common with me.

These comments are generally well-meaning and an attempt to demonstrate that they approve of my gayness. The problem is that they are naively misguided, even though I appreciate the effort.

To be an ally means to combine or unite resources for mutual interest or benefit. We hear the term ally regularly in military situations when one country combines its resources with another to fight a common enemy.

At its core, the term ally involves both resources and risk. It is an active term, not a passive one. An ally isn’t just someone who can be called on in a middle-of-the-night emergency but someone willing to leave their house in the middle of the night to support you however you need it.

See the difference?

A good ally is present in the lives of those who need them, willing to actively amplify the voices and concerns of marginalized people, and someone who listens.

It’s important to understand that the LGBTQIA+ community is marginalized. We’ve seen a rising militancy, especially in conservative states, to limit and restrict queer rights, and in many parts of our country, the queer population is disregarded and discriminated against. Now, more than ever, the gay community needs allies.

The following tips will help you be an effective ally (and a quality human).

To be an effective ally, focus on being a PAL.

Someone who is PRESENT

One of the most beneficial things you can do for your gay friends, relatives, and acquaintances is to be present.

When faced with something we don’t understand or something that makes us feel uncomfortable, the easiest thing to do is distance ourselves. Often, that distance can be damaging to a queer person.

When I came out of the closet to my oldest and dearest friends at the age of 50, they rallied around me. They checked in on me often, scheduled get-togethers, and texted me regularly to ensure I was okay. This made me feel loved and supported in a very tangible way, which I badly needed after turning my life upside down.

However, one of my friends struggled with my revelation because she is deeply connected to God and actively involved in her church. For her, my being gay bumped up against her Christian values, making our relationship uncomfortable and precarious.

As I mentioned earlier, we tend to avoid situations that make us uncomfortable, but my friend did just the opposite. She stayed present. She took a risk, expressed her struggle, and entered into a dialogue about how I felt and the process I went through to finally admit I was gay.

My friend has put on a master class in loving and supporting me while holding onto her values and beliefs. We have had some fantastic discussions about our diverging views, and we’ve repeatedly affirmed that, above all else, we love and respect each other and value our relationship.

Want to be a good ally? Show up for your friends. Be willing to stay present even amid something that makes you uncomfortable. Be available for them and reach out to check in on them regularly.

My beautiful partner and I on the beach in south GA. Author’s photo.

Someone who AMPLIFIES

To be a good ally means being willing to speak up on behalf of the LGBTQIA+ community in your sphere of influence. Allies do not stay silent.

I mentioned earlier that being an ally involves both resources and risk. Your voice is one of your most significant resources, and using it to amplify and support the gay community may feel risky.

When you overhear people at a party, at work, or at the gym maligning the gay community, do you speak up? When you hear that a particular political candidate you support is actively trying to dismantle laws protecting the gay community, do you continue to vote for them? When there is targeted hate toward LGBTQIA+ people, do you stand against it?

While it’s not my intent to offend anyone, choosing to stay silent in these situations shows a distinct lack of support and love for the gay people in your life. Choosing to be an ally means being willing to risk using your voice to amplify the concerns of the gay community.

Someone who LISTENS

I regularly receive compliments on being a good listener, but recently, I discovered that I have an annoying habit. When someone shares something with me they are struggling with, I jump in and offer advice about fixing their problem. This isn’t helpful.

We’ve all done it from time to time. Instead of listening with the intent to understand, we listen while formulating how we will respond as soon as there is a break in the conversation.

Want to be a quality human (and a great ally)? Learn to listen well. Good listening skills involve patience and asking open-ended questions to keep people talking. Secondly, don’t share your opinions or solutions unless you are invited to do so.

I’m learning that someone sharing a problem with me isn’t always an invitation to find the solution. Now, I remind myself to ask this simple question to understand what the person needs: Do you need to vent, or are you also looking for feedback to help remedy your situation?

When my children were younger, I told them that good listening means we listen with our eyes, ears, and hearts. It was a great way to teach them to pay attention when being spoken to, but it’s also a great model for adults.

It’s easy to listen with our ears, but we’re practicing next-level listening when we add eye contact and a desire to understand both what’s being spoken and what isn’t being said.

Closing Thoughts

Being an ally is a gift to the LGBTQIA+ community. Understanding what’s at stake and the inherent risks is essential for anyone who considers themselves an ally.

I’m grateful for the people in my life who are friends and allies. They demonstrate their love and support by being present, amplifying my concerns, and listening with compassion.

I hope this was helpful in some small way. And I’d love to hear your thoughts on what being an ally means to you. If you’d like to share, drop a comment.