Are You A Closeted Empath?

Turn your sensitivity into your superpower

Empaths are not simply people who have empathy. Every human has the ability to feel empathy — it’s a default mechanism built into human psychology. Empaths, however, are not only able to understand other people’s feelings, they feel other people’s emotions in their own body. That’s mainly because they lack the filter others have to protect themselves from excessive stimulation. Instead, they have a heightened level of sensitivity, which allows them to feel more deeply — both the good and the bad.

Learning about this concept and realizing that I, myself, was an empath, has drastically changed how I view parts of my identity. It has helped me find peace with behaviors I was long at war with. And it also shed light on parts of myself that I had suppressed for years. I’m hoping that by sharing my story, you might find the same relief and freedom I did — just in case you, too, find yourself to be a closeted empath.

Empaths are highly sensitive, compassionate, and intuitive individuals

Let’s start with a more nuanced definition and some common characteristics among empaths. Dr. Judith Orloff, the author of “The Empath’s Survival Guide”, is the leading voice on this topic and has brought incredible insight into the lives of many empaths.

According to Dr. Orloff:

In empaths, the brain’s mirror neuron system — a specialized group of cells that are responsible for compassion — is thought to be hyperactive. As a result, empaths can absorb other people’s energies (both positive and negative) into their own bodies. At times it may even be difficult to tell if you are feeling your own emotions or someone else’s.

Here are some tell-tale signs you are an empath:

• You easily get overwhelmed or anxious
• You view yourself as overly sensitive, or even shy
• You have a high sensitivity to sounds, smells, or sensations
• You startle easily
• You feel drained by crowds and need time alone to recharge yourself
• You prefer one-on-one to group settings
• You react strongly to caffeine and other stimulants
• You have a low pain threshold
• You’re overwhelmed by multi-tasking and prefer to do one thing at a time
• You have a tendency to isolate
• You have a hard time with closeness and intimacy
• You engage in compulsive behavior and use food, drugs, or alcohol to numb yourself
• You feel strongly connected to nature and animals

Empaths are not to be mistaken with highly sensitive people (HSPs). Most empaths are also HSPs, but not all HSPs are empaths. An HSP is someone who may exemplify many of the traits above, but it’s only the empath who has the ability to experience other people’s emotions. While HSPs are mostly introverts, empaths can be both introverts or extroverts. On the “empathic spectrum” HSPs would be somewhere on the right to the middle, empaths all the way to the right, and narcissists all the way to the left.

What comes along with these traits is the ability to feel positive feelings such as awe, joy, and contentment much more deeply. Empaths are usually highly creative and intuitive individuals. An empath’s ability to feel compassion for others is unparalleled (but feeling the same level of compassion towards themselves does not always come naturally).

While having many gifts, the heightened sensitivity can often trigger empaths to over-compensate

Just as they have a deeper connection to positive emotional states, empaths also feel negative emotions much more intensely. They often have a tendency to dwell in their feelings and over-identify with their emotional world. As a result, empaths are more prone to depression and other mental health struggles such as anxiety and addiction.

When one is aware of their empathetic nature, those traits can be managed fairly well. It really only becomes problematic when an empath is not aware of their true nature and thus has no habits of creating sufficient boundaries.

Dr. Orloff describes it best:

Being empathic has incredible benefits such as greater intuition, compassion, creativity and a deeper connection to other people. But living in this state of high sensitivity also comes with its challenges such as becoming easily overwhelmed, over-stimulated, exhausted, or absorbing the stress and negativity of others.

If a person isn’t aware that he or she is an empath, everyday interactions that others find tolerable could be causing an empath stress. Those who are not aware of their empathic abilities may be inclined to use food, alcohol, and drugs to unconsciously numb their emotions.

My journey from “cold-hearted rationalist” to fully honoring my empath-nature

Over the past year, I’ve been on the wonderful journey of embracing my inner empath and befriending my sensitivity.

And I’ve come a long way. Growing up, I was as far away from being an empath one could possibly be.

In fact, if you’d ask my family about my relationship to feelings, they might attribute any of the following qualities to me:

• Ability to shut out emotions and not care
• Inability to understand other people’s viewpoints and feelings
• Inability to communicate feelings and emotions

And so on. You get the picture.

And to some extent, I have to agree. The more I was told or signaled these things, the more I grew up believing those things about myself. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy: I became as cold-hearted as I thought others judged me to be. I prided myself on my rational mind, revered Ayn Rand and individualism above all else, and shut out all emotional dialogue.

I’m not proud to admit this, but there were certainly times when I thought that my egocentricity was unfortunate for those around me, but actually not so harmful for myself. In the end, it always got me to where I wanted to go.

When you build a wall, it can look like a castle from where you’re standing.

The older I grew, the higher the wall became that I grew around my most vulnerable part, the highly sensitive empath inside of me.

It wasn’t until my late 20s that I came to realize my empath-nature during a deep inner journey with plant medicine. I won’t get into the specifics here, but I was shown through an interesting chain of events, and after a week of demonstration it was crystal clear what the universe was trying to tell me.

After receiving the message, I began educating myself on the concept. My therapist nudged me to read the aforementioned book “The Empath’s Survival Guide”, and it resonated hard.

It resonated so hard that I began to see parts of myself in an entirely new light. I cannot overstate the revelations this book and the concept more broadly have brought to my life. So, below I’m sharing three of the ways my newly-gained self-awareness has improved my life.

1. I realized the true source of my introversion

I already knew that I needed so much time to myself because being around others drained my energy. But what I didn’t know (and came to understand) was that it drained my energy because I’m an emotional sponge around others, and as a result easily overstimulated.

When I felt like I couldn’t talk about my feelings or other people’s feelings towards me, it was in fact not because I had “shut them out” or didn’t have any, to begin with, it was more likely because I felt overwhelmed emotionally and physically. And of course, scared to show my vulnerability.

2. It helped me understand my compulsive behavior patterns, and find compassion for them

There are many examples I could list here, but let’s go with drinking.

For over a decade, I was a heavy social drinker. I had never been the kind of person to have one glass of wine and be happy with it, I was the kind of girl who continued drinking until the end of the night and left the party last. And the more I drank, the higher my tolerance became, so the more I had to drink to still feel the alcohol’s effects. On good days, I downplayed it and told myself I just “liked alcohol” and “enjoyed having fun and letting loose”. On bad days, I’d judge myself a little for over-doing it and felt regretful. On very bad days, I’d fall into sheer self-loathing for my over-indulgence.

For the longest time, I felt so much shame around numbing myself so frequently with alcohol. Even if it was always in social settings and never to an extent where I misbehaved or blacked out.

Once I learned I was an empath, it started to make a lot of sense. I had numbed myself because I was simply overstimulated by my environment. Parties, nightclubs, large groups — all a nightmare for the empath in me. I was just trying to find a way to enjoy the time with my friends and somehow still be social, and the only way I knew to do that was by drinking just enough so the volume controls on my environment were dialed down a bit. But not too much, because I still wanted to be present (and I was always very cautious about not appearing “too drunk” to other people).

The perspective shift from “I drink a lot because I just feel like it and have zero self-control” to “I drink because I want to enjoy the time with my friends and need to medicate myself a little to not be overwhelmed” made all the difference for me. Because it’s much easier to find compassion for the me that just wants to be a good friend and enjoy larger social settings.

Once I realized this, my drinking went down substantially. I eventually stopped drinking altogether, but for the transition period, every time I did or didn’t drink, this thesis was confirmed without a doubt.

3. It helped me redesign my life to better fit the reality of my being

Here are some of the extremely rewarding changes I’ve made since my “empath-awakening”, all with the intention to honor the part of me more that I had neglected for so long.

• I removed most stimulants from my life. Caffeine, alcohol, and any other party drugs. Adieu! Once I realized why I relied on them to have a good time, it was easy to let them go. The reframe helped me find better ways to be present and let loose.
• I stopped going to nightclubs. Ok, there was a pandemic that interfered with pretty much everything, but even before the pandemic hit, I dialed back a lot on my disco days. And I know that even if I had had the chance to go out, I would have gone out much, much less — if at all.
• I moved from New York to LA. Yes, LA is still a large city — but it is so, so, so much quieter. And the proximity to nature is simply incredible. Beach and mountains in one city? Greenery everywhere you look? Hello!
• I got a dog. I felt ready to form a very special bond, and empaths are known for being very drawn to animals and pets specifically. Within a few days, my puppy became my new best friend. He has given me so much joy and allows me to truly honor the part of me that feels deeply. Every time I look at him my heart is bursting with love.
• I established firmer boundaries. I’m much more intentional about how I spend my time now, both at work and for fun. At work, I’ll have fewer group calls or meetings, and more individual work. For fun, I’m enjoying fewer social events in large settings, and replace them with more quality time one-on-one or with a handful of friends. I’ve also made it a point to dismiss the need to say yes to every social commitment. And I always make sure to have enough solo time planned into my week.

Honoring The Empath In You Is Hard, But Incredibly Rewarding

What happens when you stop numbing yourself and instead let yourself feel, for the first time in a long time, all of it?

When you stop giving yourself to people and things in ways that don’t nourish you, and instead, establish boundaries that protect your energy?

When you design your daily life in a way that is catered to who you are deep down, even if it means doing things a little differently?

It is hard.

It is painful.

It feels unusual.

And it may be confusing.

But, if you stay committed to being truly present with your inner world, you will soon harvest the fruits of your labor.

When we learn to face our full range of emotions and let them bubble up, and move through us, instead of suppressing or numbing them — we open ourselves up to a new way of living: The flowers smell fresher, the sky looks bluer, music touches you even more deeply, and your connections become much more meaningful.

You walk down the streets when the sun sets and observe the colorful sky, and you don’t just think “wow, this is beautiful”, but you feel it in your body. You feel it deeply. You can trace the joy rushing through you.

This is the beauty of being an empath — if you let yourself be one.

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