Are Women Winning The Fight For Equality And Respect?
It doesn't feel that way
I wrote a book on standing up to sexism for several reasons. After decades of dealing with sexism in all its glorious forms, I wanted to share some 20–20 hindsight; not just mine, but wisdom from many women who've been there and got the t-shirt.
You hear about older women giving few f***s, and it's true. Part of my inspiration came from recalling certain situations and imagining how I'd deal with them now. (They stay with you for decades, by the way.) The work one where I was called 'unprofessional' for questioning the different promotion criteria for men and women. The extremely formal dinner where I sat silently through the speeches, frantically holding on to the hand of the guy next to me. The hand that was far up my skirt and grabbing so tightly I was bruised the next day. You can guarantee both scenarios would have played out differently today.
I realised that not much has changed after witnessing my daughter's experiences. Her generation is still putting up with the same BS I did, and they still have little clue about what to do and say. No judgment there — most of the sexism leaves them gobsmacked, upset, angry or afraid. Just like the old days.
While topless posters in the staff kitchen are no longer tolerated, and legislation makes it easier to prevent or deal with workplace sexism, young women still lag in the salary, hiring and promotion stakes, boardrooms still smack of tokenism, and as we saw during lockdown, working mothers of small children more frequently reduced their hours to take on the extra parenting demands.
On the personal front, the British Transport Police's Speak Up, Interrupt campaign states that reports of sexual harassment and sexual abuse (on transport) have risen 175% since before the pandemic. Public street harassment is still rife, women don't feel safe at night, and rape is effectively legal in some countries since prosecution and conviction rates are so minuscule.
Around the world, women's safety has suffered dramatically in the last few years. For example, the UN reported that during COVID, there was a "shadow pandemic".
“There is initial evidence of intensification of violence against women and girls across the globe.”
And of course, in the good ole US of A, we're seeing the devastation of women's bodily autonomy rights, which is almost too depressing to talk about. There's no pretense of equality in any shape or form.
Finally, (for now), in the past few days in the UK, we've had a furor over comedian Frankie Boyle's alleged 'joke' about raping and murdering TV personality Holly Willoughby. There's a question about 'context' and exactly what he said, but despite the ambiguity, defensive tweets still came pouring in from men.
“It’s a joke. Get over it. He’s told worse.”
“ I ask, who watches Frankie Boyle and didn't expect dark humour.”
“Have you heard the routine?”
“When will people get over the fact that it's a comedy routine, If you are going to be remotely offended, Don’t go! It really is that simple.”
“It’s like they want to be offended.”
So yeah, it's OK to joke about raping women because we don't seem to matter.
On balance, we've obviously made some strides. For example, most of us can now vote, own property, have credit cards, and not be legally raped by our spouses. More recently, we've been granted protection from discrimination, although, in practice, few women can face the protracted and often expensive legal battle.
I hate to use these examples as any sort of progress, though, since there are still so many women who don't have the basics. And that's what they are. The basics. It's neither progress nor equality when our gains don't level the playing field in a practical sense.
However, although it's tempting to slump and throw our hands up, we must keep going.
- Call it out, all the time. Keeping safety a priority, let's not be cowed or exhausted into silence. No matter how many eye rolls and impatient sighs we hear, we have the right to be treated fairly and to make a noise when we aren't. Just answer "Yes" to all the usual questions. "Are you still banging on about that?" "Not that again?" Yes, yes and yes!
- Enlist allies and bystanders. When we're in situations where the sexism is open and blatant, ask friends or colleagues if they're going to stand by and let it happen. (I only suggest 'open and blatant' situations because if it's a microaggression, it's often too subtle for non-targets to appreciate.) Like any movement, we're stronger together. One woman banging on about sexism isn't going to get as far as many people standing up to it.
- Don't let anyone point to "how far we've come" or compare you to women "in third world countries". We are taking baby steps at a glacial pace, so it's not yet time to celebrate. The comparison to more restrictive societies (otherwise known as 'relative privation') is just a way to silence us. Both responses tell women to be grateful for the little we have now. (Let's see what turns up in the comments.)
- Ignore the gaslighters and keep your focus. Especially in social media threads, trolls and gaslighters will throw anything in there to derail the conversation. It happens in real life, too, when detractors ask, "What about when so and so did such and such?" or deny saying what you damn well know they did. (I could have written a whole book instead of a chapter on how to respond here.)
- Support each other. I've recently written about how some women see other women as enemies. That's partly because our patriarchal society pitches us against each other as we battle for the token few prize jobs. Instead of falling into that trap, let's raise each other up. After all, the more women in corner offices, the better off we'll be.
- Above all, put yourself first once in a while. We're raised to be 'nice' and to consider others. How often have we heard "Think of his family" or warnings that we'll ruin his reputation if we speak out? I'm sorry?? "We'll ruin his reputation? I'm pretty sure he acted under his own steam. There's no contributory element to any form of sexism, and it's not your job to consider the consequences of his actions. He threw caution to the wind when he said/did whatever it was; he can now put his big boy pants on and take what's coming.
Sadly, we're nowhere near where we need to be, so we have no choice but to keep fighting. There are many quotes about the fight, but US Representative Alexandria Ocasio Cortez sums it up for me: